Paralysis By Analysis, Or, Juicing for Keyboard Jockeys

I have been evangelizing the juicing lifestyle in my office and personal life (hat tip to for turning me on to it). It’s really paid off for a small handful of people. Most others are skeptically hostile, throwing a wide-eyed nauseous look at the beautiful green and purple colors before they go back to their bag of chips.

Then occasionally I get the Keyboard Jockey of Juicing. The dude who’s never pushed the plunger in his life but insists on telling me how I’m doing it wrong. One dude was actually curious about my juices and gave them a try, then started talking about getting a juicer himself. I was happy for him and offered any help he might want.

He came back a couple days later with a bevy of purchase options and wanted to know which was which – centrifugal, masticating, that one from the infomerical, etc. I told him to get an inexpensive centrifugal juicer (the least expensive design) to try out before he blew a few Benjamins on a much more expensive masticating model. (I myself paid $59 for the Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juice Extractor and it’s awesome – my only complaint is that the juice catcher is only about 20 oz so I have to stop in the middle of making a quart of juice and empty it into another vessel.)

Well I should have seen it coming, but the dude got the Shoppers’ Disease and started trying to assimilate all the information he’d read on the Internet from God-knows-where. He started feeding it back to me as if he was an expert. This conversation actually happened:

“Dude apparently everyone says for vegetables and leafy greens you need the masticating juicer.”

“Oh really…who is ‘everyone’?”

“Internet people and juicing websites. I’ve been reading up on the Omega [a high-end masticating juicer that pushes over $200 list]. Do you put any fruits in your juice? People say juicing a fruit is bad, cause you only get the sugar, blending a fruit keeps the fiber.” (When someone starts saying that fruit is bad because sugar, you’re dealing with a nutritional ideologue rather than a health-oriented person.)

“Most of my juices are fruit-based. Dude it sounds like you’ve been reading too much on the Internet. If you have $300 burning a whole in your pocket, go ahead and enter at the masticating level. The centrifuge is cheap and easy, gives you a good idea what it’s like and you can always upgrade.”

“People are so defensive about the Omega…”

“Yeah there is a counter-productive holy war out there about juicers.”

“This guy commented that he got a $60 Cuisinart, and they flamed him so bad.”

“Some people have a lot of time on their hands…time they should spend juicing more and talking less.”

This inane discussion goes back to “don’t let perfect be the enemy of better” – you don’t have to jump from non-juicer to semi-professional in one quantum leap. That’s why there are products at various price points, so you can test the lifestyle out. It’s also why you should check yourself if you find you’re reading a lot of theoretical commentary on the Internet without trying things yourself. That goes for juicing, fitness advice, the Krav/BJJ holy war, game, finance, and on and on – on anything that involves your own behavior, you should try something before you get deeply committed to some ideology that for you only exists on paper or on screen.



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3 responses to “Paralysis By Analysis, Or, Juicing for Keyboard Jockeys

  1. M3


    I must confess, i dived in head first when i went the juice route.. tho my frugality made me shop all online outlets before i settled on an Omega (most all models are the same in what they do) for $229 CDN with free shipping from Amazon. I did this because i read on teh interwebz that juice from masticating juicers could be kept longer than centrifugal juicers.

    Since i am lazy at heart, i juice 3-4 days worth of juice and store it in (get this) empty wine bottles – only because i could find NO containers online that would allow good vacuum sealing to store in the fridge. So i bought a manual vacuum pump wine cork. Thick dark glass, vacuum sealed air tight, holds for at least 3-4 days. I murder a ton of veg in one sitting because clean up is a bitch so i’d rather do it 2-3 times a week rather than 7 days straight.

    This is where your bible comes into play – i’ve heard purists trash talk storing and say ‘drink that shit within 15 mins or you waste all the x,y,z that makes it good’. I’d rather drink well kept preserved masticated juice than no juice at all. May not be perfect – but it fucking good enough for me!

    That’s the sole reason i got the omega. As always it’s a delicate balancing act between my innate cheapness and my innate laziness. I found a happy middle ground by shopping round :)

  2. Jack Amok

    Have you found any juicers that are not a royal PITA to clean? That’s been my biggest hurdle to doing more juicing.

  3. My Omega NC800 is not bad at all to clean. The screen is the only thing that takes a few minutes.

    It helps if you juice something less fibrous last, like a short run of carrots or beets. When I did celery last, it was a bit harder to clean.
    I’m not a fan of juicing fruit mostly because it seems like cleanup is stickier and less easy because of the sugars. Pineapple is enough of sloppy mess to slice up, let alone juice IMO. Also, I am thinking in term of glycemic impact, and my guess is that I will get less of a sugar rush from eating an apple than from drinking apple juice, since it gets into the system slower.

    I juice a four-way green juice as my go-to: Kale, spinach, celery, and cucumber. I juice the beets and carrots separately and store them separately. I’m trying to get a six-pack right now, so I am being careful with the more sugary vegetables and not juicing any fruit right now. I eat it raw.

    I have not graduated to the more bitter greens like beet greens or mustard greens. Takes brass balls to drink that stuff straight-up.

    The green juice is not too bad, I just slug it down in 4-6 oz portions through the day. I would rather brave the more bitter taste then try to cut it with fruit or carrot.

    I see fit-juice claims that pomegranite and beet will help amp up the old boner-maker, so we’ll see about that.

    Anyway, about the the “holy war” types: Really I think they are nothing more than any other type of Keyboard Alpha that the manosphere is so well known for. The spergs need a way to puff their chests out somehow.


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