Harsh Words for “Tryers”

Much mirth was had when Tinderfessions went live on Twitter in March. The site tinderfessions.com collects testimonials from Tinder users and posts them to the Tinderfessions account on Twitter. (Hat tip to Heartiste for pointing it out to me; CH had a reader call it “the global march of absolute sexual anarchy.”)

Browsing the narratives casually, I was struck by one note of complaint:

This is the outgrowth and the logical conclusion of the “just get it” movement – to wit, “women despise a man who needs to be told to be dominant.” Or to be anything, really. Or who gets spotted trying to be anything. The man who shows these kinds of women any concern at all, any desire to see her happy or to deliver her pleasure, gets the scarlet β sewn to his hairshirt before he’s paraded around the Tinderfessions as a lesser being.

In one frame, this isn’t much different than standard dating advice. It’s easy to observe that most women don’t care to be doted on, and the impression that the guy is not laying out the red carpet for the girl but is rather simply out having a good time and has invited her into his fun is integral to the success of the date.

The old-school PUAs had a lot of invective against “supplication” – begging or transacting for a woman’s approval – and this good lesson has been reiterated across the years. But today’s beta detectors are set to such high sensitivities that any concern for the woman at all is seen as supplication, as an unacceptable abdication of a Real Man’s proper self-concern. This is the “Girls” world that young men are living in; these uptight Bohemians want to be pounded by guys who don’t give a shit and they don’t even pretend to deliver paeons to the beta-nice-guy types that they will come back to their position on the buffet table later.

I’m not an analyst but it’s not hard to see this partially as a twisted self-protection measure. For all their chatter about self-esteem, these women are possessed of a vapid and amorphous insecurity that motivates a complete avoidance of intimacy and emotional contact for the purpose of incubating their own emotional immaturity. The dude can’t care, because if the dude cares, then they might feel obligated to care as well, and they can’t have that.

Don’t get me wrong; the “chicks dig jerks” phenomenon is blasé for me by now. I understand its mechanics and motivations, and I’ve come to understand how simple it can be to accumulate some “badass points” and grab a piece of that particular peach pie. I don’t intend to rehash it.

This Tinderfession, however, is something else entirely; this is a psychosis built of distrust and self-hatred. These gals are like dudes who are into the Hot Wife fantasy – their sexual cognition elements are busted, and sex plays out in a objectified and symbolic melodrama rather than a relation between two people.


One interesting thing to consider is if a dude did the opposite behavior – said on his Tinder profile “I don’t care if you have a good time.” Would he get fluttering excitement in response instead of snarling contempt?

I can’t read minds, but probably not.

History shows that a man’s statements of insouciance are rarely effective in promoting the tingles. Rather, it is the actions that display the lack of concern that arouse his quarry. As Roissy says, the key to that lock is being an “uncaring asshole” rather than a caring one – to leverage one’s indifference rather than one’s indolence.

Consider telling your woman that you have options and that she should consider that before she steps outside the appropriate relationship boundaries. Then consider going out with her and chatting with other women and not hiding the fact that other girls are into you, and if you had to get rid of her (or she got rid of you), you wouldn’t have much trouble lining up a replacement. It doesn’t take a lot of experience to know that the latter behavior will better communicate your position.

Likewise, the thrill of a romp with a dominant man is not in his platitudes that he’s not a “tryer;” the thrill is in her experiencing firsthand him putting his own pleasure first. That he’s relegated hers to an afterthought is not the fulfillment of a contractual guarantee but a byproduct of the dominance and self-centeredness that themselves are attractive and arousing to her.

I don’t like to do a lot of bitching about feminism, but there’s an important context to men saying “I’ll make sure you’ll have a good time.” That context is two generations of intense shaming of men as not caring or sensitive enough; 40 years of being told they shouldn’t act like they’re the only one in the bedroom; that if they try harder to get their women off they’ll be rewarded with more enthusiastic lovers and happier wives. Where does this indoctrination get the rehabilitated man, the guy who recoils in horror at the idea of the selfish penis and commits himself to being different than all those other lazy selfish guys?

It gets him on the back end of a nasty Tinderfession from a bird who wants to be treated as an accessory to the man’s pleasure. It’s a great time to be alive.



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13 responses to “Harsh Words for “Tryers”

  1. Badger, this was a perceptive post about the brokenness of young women.

    Field Report

    I was a hardass towards one this past weekend. A pair of young women came into my country dance bar around 11:30 a few sheets to the wind. They said that they wanted to learn to dance. One of them was wearing flip-flops. Oops! Inappropriate footgear for couples dancing–not securely fastened and no protection against being stepped on. Also, having a buzz on makes it very challenging to be able to follow instructions.

    I worked with one of them briefly and gave up. She was UMC and mooning at me while I was instructing her. I think that she was more into me than into learning to dance, but I have marriage vows to keep. I’m out dancing for the cardio, weight loss, and social contact–not for notches.

    Anyway, I started talking with another guy there I know near where they were sitting and made some comments about teaching drunk chicks to dance and one of them got butthurt. I worked with the other chick and taught her a dance and she learned it fast even though she had a buzz on, but she had proper footgear. Neither one of these entitled princesses even offered to buy me a drink. Bad manners.

    Dancers don’t drink much. Sure, some people pretend to dance and they may be drunk, but dancers need to be able to lead and follow and that requires a clear head. I often nurse a single drink the whole night. Sometimes I’ll have a second if I’m going to be out past midnight, but that’s rare.

  2. finndistan

    It is a time where the slightest regard can be punished.

    who does a girl choose? In this case we are talking a girl in her early twenties, with a cock count less than the fingers in one single hand, which makes her almost a virgin in these parts.

    who dos she choose?

    She chooses the guy who invites her to a party where is old fuckbuddy is present( he wants to rebang her), the girl he met and fucked two days ago is present, the girl he’s been trying to shag but cannot because he shagged her friend, is there, another girl he met on tinder is there, she brings along an orbiter; and this almost virgin.

    The first night they kiss, she does not want to have sex, so he says fuck it, accuses her of being a prude, of giving him the blue balls, of fucking up his day, of wasting his time.

    Two days later, she is notched.

    Even after living and seeing so much, one realizes, there is no end to the hole the bunny has fallen into, a surprise is always around the corner; and the bitter memory of the times one has been caring, empathic, or took it slow.

    Somehow I admire the blue pillers, how they can still keep their “women are nice, sugar and spice, yea, except that one”… but that one was the sugar and spice… that one was the one you were looking for.. where you going to find a girl with single digits in lands of “I am very slow… 16 cocks”, “I only had ten”, “blowjobs are not penetration, so they are not cheating, yumm” … etc.

    There is no end to this rant; and you see it in even the most woman loving womanizers.

    Sweet charming dude; put the alcohol in him, then comes the real definitions, “bitches”, “cunts”, “skanks”. etc…

  3. genderenvoy

    “I’ll make sure you’ll have a good time” implies a big disconnect between his pleasure and hers.

    It is also too meta and too redundant. Isn’t two people mutually “having a good time” and getting to know each other the whole point of dating?

  4. Law 9

    Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

    Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

  5. genderenvoy,

    Thanks for commenting. You might be reading the woman’s tweet too figuratively. Tinder is a hookup site, so the discussion is overtly about the sex itself (as can be seen from Tinderfessions, in a lot of cases there’s no “dating” to speak of).

    What’s going on here is marketing. It looks like the dude who wrote about her “good time” is aiming to differentiate himself from other guys who, in his mind, would “use” her for their own pleasure without reciprocation. This is not an uncommon thought process, Robert Glover noted that one of the traits of the modern Nice Guy is an ego-invested belief that he’s different from other men, and in particular a drive to prove that to make up for the alleged misdeeds done by other men to his mother, sisters or female friends.

  6. Thanks Rollo.


    “Sweet charming dude; put the alcohol in him, then comes the real definitions”

    I am starting to believe that a social belief in the Roissyesque “succubus” model of womanhood is taking root in the American male mind. One needs to look no further than the comment threads of mainstream or semi-mainstream publications and blogs. Even houses of the educated elite like Slate and The Atlantic are regularly torched with the words of men who are sick of the whole thing as they read yet another 93 Theses about how men aren’t Just Getting It and giving women what they want.

    The Manosphere will never go mainstream, but some of its ideas are already there, ironically (if you want to see it that way) and understandably fueled by female-produced and female-consumed culture, including Sex And The City, Girls, a bajillion shitty sexual-fantasy chick-lit novels led by Fifty Shades of Grey, their epic consumption of walkaway divorces, overblown hysterias like the Adria Richards incident, and growing recognition of the divergence between empty platitudes (“I wish a guy would treat me well”,”we’re not having sex tonight”) and real actions and choices. Far from the quizzical analyses of social-interest economists (http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/03/29/why-arent-men-responding-to-economic-signals/), men are quite rational actors and have been responding to the signals of the market at hand – either by dialing down their skin in the game or checking out entirely.

  7. The dude is trying to make a sell – alpha guys dont try to make a sell.

    Tinder is for hook ups, why would a girl looking for a hookup be nice to a beta? she’s blowing him up like she would in a bar where she’s advertising her pussy for the stronger cock in the room – only.

  8. Yohami, your comment reminded me to publicly LOL at girls on Tinder who say “not looking for a hookup.” Reading between the lines of many profiles, it appears that they are indeed down for casual, but what they really want in that vein is a fun, low-maintenance thing with the potential to grow into something more serious – at their discretion. If the dude isn’t open to taking things further, if he just intends for a pump and dump, then it transforms into “just a hookup,” she loses her choice in the matter and feels used. So she is down for a hookup, just not “only a hookup.”

  9. Because she’s not like these sluts.

  10. Yes – as we discussed at J4G, it’s not a statement of an objective desire, but rather a social framing device, designed to confer the impression (to herself or others) that she’s not that kind of girl. The emotional currency of that impression is what’s important, not whether it squares with any actual behaviors.

  11. “This is the “Girls” world that young men are living in; these uptight Bohemians want to be pounded by guys who don’t give a shit and they don’t even pretend to deliver paeons to the beta-nice-guy types that they will come back to their position on the buffet table later.”

    they don’t even try to hide their sluttiness or their contempt for nice guys anymore & yet they still think they will be able to find their beta-provider when they hit the wall. it astonishes me.

    i love seeing these post-wall sluts on the train looking at me hoping i find them attractive. sweet schadenfreude!

  12. Pingback: Intersexual Hierarchies – Part I |

  13. Just Saying

    I learned long ago that you cannot assure anything when it comes to someone else, so the person you need to be sure has a good time, is yourself. It is as simple as that. If she has fun as well – great, but it’s not necessary, or even something for you to strive for. It may be a “nice to have” but it’s not a requirement. After all, a date, or a hook-up is for you to have a good time… Let her worry about herself…

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