If you haven’t been paying attention, what you might call “destructive sex” is in.
Vampires have been all over the popular culture for years. Delicious Tacos notes that the ladies are begging for dom sex in a half-generation turn of events so sudden would make your fraternity big brother blush. He underlines that the most popular book in the world is “bondage porn.” (Girls haven’t been buying books about trysts with sensitive understanding men since, well, ever.) To hear him tell it, Millenial girls are all over it, completely dispensing with the neo-puritanical schema forced upon us by AIDS and aging Boomer guilt that sought to cover up their youthful indiscretions with hollow moralizing to their kids.
Women are unabashed today about their love of semi-permanent subdermal reminders of the weekend’s romp. I came across this post on the lipstick feminist blog The Frisky and laughed at the unnerved confessional tone and the half-hearted buyer’s remorse that her male-feminist paramours wouldn’t dare cross the line:
When I first started dating, I knew that I liked to be bitten. There was something both sensual and animalistic about it that I couldn’t help but be enticed by. When I masturbated it was always something I thought about: that aggressive devouring that would leave battle scars. However, high school, and even college guys, were hesitant to rock the boat in their sexual performances. So, when I’d whisper, “Bite my neck,” I would either end up with sad little hickeys or their efforts would be so weak that I would never bother to ask again. There’s nothing worse than a weak bite.
By the time I reached my mid-20s I was finally sure about what I wanted sexually and comfortable asking for it. I knew I wanted to be spanked, I wanted to be tied down, and I craved being controlled. But again, just as it was in college and high school before it, it was hard to find someone who was on the same page. Some men do not like to spank, others were hardly chomping at the bit to bite me. Even when I prompted them with a little nibble first, or pleaded for something not on the menu, it was like pulling teeth. I even had one guy tell me that I should double up on my therapy if I wanted to be treated “that way.” I didn’t double up on my therapy; I went to Paris instead.
So when I was lying in bed with L and he said he liked to bite, I wanted to push the limit and see for myself. Could this person finally fulfill the aching I had for such a thing? Could he actually leave me marked up with bruises from his perfect teeth, even to the point that it would take weeks for me to heal? The thought of it made me wet with anticipation.
And so he bit me. He bit me over and over again between kissing and reaching at other parts of my body. I let out gasps and even at one point a yell, because there was such a release that came with each sinking of his teeth into my flesh. I wanted to be scarred; I wanted to walk away with the reminder of the moment emblazoned on my skin. I needed it.
We don’t put a lot of credence into women’s dating advice around here, sure, but sex diaries are another story entirely. Rarely until today’s era of attention-centric Internet exhibitionism did men get such fantastic opportunities to to inside the female locker room and hear what they really liked – and didn’t like – about the men they were dating. This kind of stuff is the real empirical evidence as to what works and what doesn’t.
FIRST STEPS TOWARDS NEW TRICKS
Biting is one move you should add to your toolbox. Danger and Play had an old post about turning a kiss-rejection into a low-key bite:
When a woman moves her lips away from you, too many guys kiss her on the cheek. There is a much better approach.
As she turns away, brush here hair aside, revealing her neck. Take a quick nibble on the side of her neck, look back up at her in the eyes, smirk, and then go back to dancing or talking at the bar. Do not go for a kiss immediately after nibbling on her neck. Wait a few minutes…
One does not need to wait to be rejected from a kiss before nibbling on the neck. I always find excuses to play with her neck. I’ll pull her closely to me to “whisper” something in her ear. Then I will take a gentle bite on her neck, smirk, and continue the conversation.
I’ve found the most significant challenge is just in presenting your mouth to her neck. Whether you find a pretext, or you just go for it, proceeding smoothly and boldly is a must.
Women give up their neck surprisingly easy. Partially this is due to the “Vampiremania,” with grown adult women obsessing over childhood vampires. Partially this is because few guys actually go for their neck. Women simply aren’t prepared for the move.
Most women are also unaware how a gentle bite on their neck arouses them. The neck is a bona fide erogenous zone. If you nibble on her neck correctly, you’ll notice goose bumps on her arms.
It’s a huge dominance play, but at the same time is highly discreet – a killer combination that lends a “naughty but our secret” vibe.
He warns to be clean and careful once on the job:
When nibbling on her neck, the only requirement is to not overdo it at first. Women fear hickeys, and once they realize you’re not making sloppy sucking noises or biting her, she will let you have her way with you.
“Nibbling” is not a bad term. I’ve found the secret to both discretion and comfort is to use the teeth and the tongue, but NOT the lips. Keep them retracted and don’t get into any sucking. If it helps, don’t think of it as “biting,” consider it more like dragging your teeth across her skin. You can then lick the area, and for extra contrast, blow on it discreetly to cool it off. This palette of sensations is highly stimulating.
Once you’re in a private place, try harder – or in other places. Then try biting while you massage some part of her. Like with other sex moves, see what she likes and do more of it.
Women are always complaining in public that men aren’t doing enough foreplay. This is a volcanic form of foreplay.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If she doesn’t like it, stop doing it.
A confessional of my own. I first gave the biting thing a try on a first date, after I had successfully run a lot of push-pull, location bounced, and gotten into her place due to my need to “use the bathroom.” I switched from her lips to her neck, and highly encouraged by her reaction took myself on a dental tour from her ears to her waist and back. It became clear that sex wasn’t going to happen, but I took the opportunity to do some advanced geographical scouting.
She texted me the next day that the marks were so bad she didn’t even try to hide them at work and now everyone wanted to know who I was. Biting was a winner.
JUST DO IT, DON’T FORM A CLUB
As for the whole dom enterprise: my general, but limited, experience has been that just a touch of the experience is enough to rev most of their engines. There’s obviously a whole community for kink and BDSM, but especially if the gal has not been brought into that community, neither of you need to identify as somehow “kinked out.” You can just do things in the bedroom and have them be part of your sexual repertoire. You don’t need to get political with it. If someone calls you “vanilla” you can respond that you don’t need to go to happy hours to feel good about your sexual moves.
In a culture saturated with sex, it might be surprising to find that from the testimonials most people appear to be shitty at it. That means lots of women you might date who have not been exposed to a really skilled and literate lover. Take advantage of the opportunity to show something new. Even one move that makes you sexually distinctive can turn you into a demi-God inside a community. Once word gets out – and it will – you’ll have no shortage of interested parties. Admittedly, the mechanics of working the sexual Ponzi scheme of capturing new previous (ahem) satisfied customers require some skill, but unapologetic boldness is a good starting point.