Splitsburgh on Why Nightclubs Blow

Adam Geddes at Splitsburgh (hat tip to Ferdinand Bardamu at In Bona Fide) lists 29 reasons nightclubs suck. Some highlights:

4. Doormen given the power to turn people away based upon fickle, largely ridiculous criteria. (That scene in Knocked Up comes to mind.)
5. Expensive cover even when a no-name DJ is “performing.”

7. Hollywood-level fakeness: silicone DD boobs, caked-on makeup, hair extensions, spray-on tans, faux-designer accessories, Rolexes, fat stacks of (mainly) low denomination bills, colored contacts, dental veneers.

8. Nothing really happens: options are limited to douche-watching, screaming over obscenely loud music, stupefying yourself with alcohol, or making half-assed attempts at “dancing.”

12. MMA wannabes: threatening others or fighting over inconsequential things.13. Self-paparazzi: Divas in training constantly photographing themselves and their friend group. On-site attention whoring is a platform for more attention-seeking via social media.

16. Primal behavior is rewarded while meaningful communication is largely impossible. (A journey beyond sight and sound, directly into the hindbrain.)

18. Cocky bartenders so fed up with dealing with drunks that they’re scarcely able to treat anyone with dignity. (Had never thought of this angle.)

22. Bottle (lack of) service is a monumental rip-off: markup ranges from 400 to 1,000%. (Bottle service is the ultimate nightclub beta game.)

23. Women feel entitled to free drinks. Men dumb enough to buy women drinks all night usually leave the club empty-handed and with a near-emptied wallet.

26. Club-culture encourages women to wear as little as possible. Feminism encourages them to act outraged when men notice. (Badger lol’d.)

27. Small, inadequate restrooms and stalls so disgusting you wish what was seen could be unseen. (God only knows how many heroin deals went down in one of those johns.)

28. Men proudly hold bottles of Grey Goose in an attempt to attract parasitic women.

The whole thing is worth a read, but essentially boils down to:

  • Capricious waitstaff
  • Over-entitled women
  • Guys posturing and blowing large amounts of money for no return
  • A superficial, unenjoyable environment

I really don’t enjoy nightclubs, am usually bored to death inside, and generally avoid them unless it’s, say, a friend’s birthday or some special event that justifies my presence. (One time I escorted some exchange students I had met that night to a high-end club, and wrote off the cover and coat fee as random fun and introducing visitors to my country.)

Young people in cities feel some kind of collective pressure to hit the nightclub scene as a behavioral marker that they are making an effort to be social, and in particular I find women view “going out” clubbing as a sort of essential lifestyle element to their ouevre – as if to say “see? I’m out in the world trying to meet guys, it’s not my fault I’m single, I’m not a crazy cat lady shut-in!” I frequently overhear women complain they have trouble meeting men, to responses of “OH well you should COME OUT with us this weekend!” so that they can go participate in the hookup culture they say they hate. As for the guys, Dane Cook said it – they go where the girls are.

Clubs are standard game training grounds because although they are difficult to hack it in, there’s constant turnover of prospects and it’s basically low risk: normally the worst that can happen is a drunk chick yells at you (or in Roosh’s case in Baltimore, slugs you once in a lifetime of game). I never went the club-game route to polish my skills, the environment was a total mismatch to my personality and I had little interest in Mystery’s style of befriending groups of clubgoers in batches.

The only kind of club game that produces any results for me is akin to an out-of-body experience – I abandon all expectations of anything happening at all (including having conversations with the guys I arrived with) and adopt a completely detached demeanor, entirely devoid of even the slightest shade of supplication or trying to impress anybody. On occasion this merits me a conversation with an equally-bored and out of place female who is ripe to be isolated outside the establishment. Usually, though, it just gets me a $20 tab for cover and a Manhattan they made wrong – who the F puts an orange in a Manhattan? – and an early exit to preserve my sanity. A late-night blog perusal never felt so good.


Filed under dating and field game, junk culture

18 responses to “Splitsburgh on Why Nightclubs Blow

  1. FFY

    I hate clubs with a passion. If you can’t have a conversation, then I’m not going there

  2. mmaier2112

    No joke. No chance to connect in any real way and crappy music? What’s the damn point? I’d rather go to a grocery store to pick up on women than any club.

  3. P Ray

    But remember the lie that is often said:
    “Good people don’t go to clubs”.
    Just like people attract the good and the bad, you find good and bad people in clubs too.
    Besides, the tired lying line of “we’re not here to be picked up” has no answer when you confront it with the question “where do you go to be picked up?” or the question “you can listen to deafening music and make yourself drunk at home on the cheap, so what other reason are you here for?”

  4. P Ray

    Oh yeah: The cover charge pays for the ladies (and their drinks) who get in for free.
    Even when they’re not in your wallet, they’re in your wallet :)

  5. The only time a cover is worth paying is when a band is playing. If you can’t talk to people, at least you get to bust heads.

  6. Matt

    I’m still trying to figure out where to look. The only answer I’ve come up with is to join an ultraconservative Christian church, which isn’t feasible for me on moral and ethical grounds. I’ve been wandering around clubs on my nights off and my only successes have been a few female bartenders who remember what I drink after only meeting me a couple of times.

  7. If you want to run night game in foreign countries, you have to do it in a club.

  8. Orion

    I loathe clubs in general. I hate music so loud you can’t talk, not to mention I wouldn’t listen to it anywhere else. The only reason I’ve ever gone to one or even a bar/club is to meet up with someone in specific. That being said, the one time I went to one in another country and got bored enough to go on the dance floor instead of wait for my date I was getting definite signs of interest from a local within a couple of songs. Didn’t pursue it because my date was hotter and I was sicker than I’d ever been before (had what was probably pneumonia but hadn’t bought trip insurance. I said screw it and went anyway rather than waste the money already spent. The best trip of my life.) In another country where you stand out as a foreigner your likely to at least get some interest from women because you aren’t a local. But at home? Why bother?

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  10. Ladies’ nights and free drinks for girls on the house are teh suck. I try to avoid those places, in any case they bring in low-quality gals in my experience.

    One other thing that sucks is that pubs and TGI Friday’s-type places are starting to put on loud music in the evening hours, right as the happy hours wind down – trying to be a sports bar and a nightclub at the same time.

  11. Roosh, thanks for commenting.

    “If you want to run night game in foreign countries, you have to do it in a club.”

    I know this to be true firsthand, but I also wonder if relative to other countries, America has massively screwed up its bar/club environments just as it has every other element of gender relations. It’s well-known that cross-gender interactions are more genial even in other Western countries (probably Sweden is an exception), so I’d expect the club environment to be less cutthroat than it is here. I’m sure being foreign-exotic helps. Dancing skills too, I hear.

  12. Candide

    The only consistent way to get laid at a night club is to come with people you know (mixed group with girls obviously), get drunk / high together then let one thing lead into another around the end of the night when the ear-drilling noise has numbed all your senses and the poison has made both of you totally uninhibited.

    It’s at a rather big cost to your health and fitness though, to go with the mediocre sex. Which is why I avoid bars and clubs now.

    Never gone clubbing in other countries, no comment on that.

  13. Responding to you here rather than on my blog because I want the conversation to flow freely:

    I’m interested to see what women say about your sauce analogy. I think they’ll be offended. There will be some that think “I ain’t no Alfredo Sauce for no man!” There are also women out there who actually believe they want to be everything to some guy – but don’t really understand what soul-sucking labor that turns out to be.

    Imma link you in a couple days (or sooner if no conversation develops). Twas a gross oversight on my part not to do it sooner, as I’ve read and enjoyed you blog for going on a year now.



  14. dogsquat, welcome.

    Someone might be offended by my blogging? Shit, I can’t have that, I better just shut her down then.

  15. Stingray

    I like the sauce analogy. Sauce is complimentary to a dish. I like the thought that I compliment my man. It brings me great pride that I was chosen to stand by his side.

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  18. Anna

    Yeah the music really sucks (I hate Dubstep with a passion) and the people are annoying its funny cause I’m a college student. I rather spend my Friday night in the College bar then a stupid Nightclub

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