The inimitable detiennui25 left some key comments on yesterday’s thread on breakups including this one:
“One of the services I think Badger is helping with here in the manosphere is to encourage us men that it’s OK for us to be men.”
I am hardly alone in this, but specifically, I believe that young men need to feel OK with putting their interests first ahead of a woman, as long as they are looking out for living a happy and productive life. A player puts himself first, but for a self-aggrandizing non-productive purpose; an unmarried good man putting his interest first doth not a player make.
Most men in the 80% “sexual desert” cohort are liable to be gripped by major oneitis because of the fear they’ll never attract another woman. Thus they think their life path has to be checked against her wishes at every point, from whether they should take a new job to whether they can go to the baseball game with the guys next weekend. This voluntary betatization is a crazy way for a capable man to live. And you’re more likely to attract a woman anyway if you’ve made the most of what you want to do instead of getting bent out of shape about what someone else expects of you – a man doing too much “sacrificing” for his lady’s good is going to lower his attractiveness to her by standing down from his position of productive leadership.
Feminism has told women they shouldn’t “sacrifice themselves” for a man. This has been twisted into all sorts of bogus corollaries to the point that if a woman does something nice for her man she’s selling out the sisterhood, but the basic premise is absolutely correct and it goes both ways (whether feminists want it to or not). A lot of guys have been duped, by culture and by their own brain chemicals, into believing that it’s their lot to make “sacrifices” on behalf of women, and that if a woman has sex with a man or gives him attention, he owes her an infinite annuity of deference, provision and forgiveness. Your job as a young good man is to put yourself in a position to continue to contribute goodness to the world for decades to come. Choosing the wrong partner will waste your efforts solving relationship problems you shouldn’t have in the first place, instead of contributing to society and enhancing the lives around you.
The fact is that marriage, or continuing a relationship, is not a reward for good sex, a woman being nice to you, a lack of “grievances,” or some other good or service. Marriage and commitment are for the purpose of integrating two lives for mutual benefit. If the mutual benefit is not there in an unmarried relationship, neither the man nor the woman are under any moral obligation to give any further “cause” for breaking up (although practically speaking, you need to be honest about your part in the decline and it’s highly advisable to give repairing things the old college try). In fact, all the demands for “cause” and “closure” just encourage rationalization by the initiator of the breakup, which doesn’t do anybody any good.
Men need to internalize this: if it’s not what you want, if it doesn’t enhance your life, move on. You will find another woman. Men have longer timelines than women, but they don’t have all the time in the world. That’s all the more reason to get out of the wrong relationship and find something that fits you.
The commenter “Robinson” returned to Hooking Up Smart and further elaborated on his dilemma. Discussion got quite heated as it is wont to do over there. It sounds like he and his ex hoped to rub off on each other (he in loosening up, her in getting more stable), but she fell back into her old patterns and the mutual exchange failed. As I suspected, he sounds a lot like me in an earlier age. A bit of red-pilling about the reality of the SMP, internalizing that he is the prize and realizing it’s not his job to save a woman will do him well. Recommendations that he FTOW are silly – he’s probably not going to do it, and if he did it wouldn’t be good for him.
Also, the writer to Athol Kay gave him more information that was published yesterday. It sounds like his girl is, to put it bluntly, batshit crazy. He needs to heed the advice of Athol and what I’ve given above – he can’t allow his feelings of “love” and obligation to override the fact that sticking with this situation will ruin his life without any legitimate payoff.
I have a friend who recently broke up with a woman we are convinced was BPD, NPD or both. After a particularly nasty public incident, he cut off communication for a week, then called her to tell her it was over. Then shipped her stuff back to he to avoid seeing her face to face. Even in that obviously broken situation, he tells me he went through weeks of regret and loneliness. Breakups are tough.
Guys need to understand that there are going to be haters, and you are going to hurt. They need to have the strength to persist, to make the tough calls and follow through. Own it – living a good life is not the easy decision.