detinennui32 left this absolutely on-the-money comment on Sunday’s post.
Good post. Let me add a few things to your already dead-on analysis.
1. This is absolutely crucial — do your thing. Devise your life plan. Find out your mission, your life purpose, and work towards it. This will cause your life to intersect with women – some worthy, some unworthy. When I was 18 and starting college I had decided on my career and was working toward it with singular purpose. A man with purpose and experiencing success in working towards it brings women into his orbit. Those women see a man who knows who he is, knows what he wants, and knows what to do to get it. Worthy women find that irresistible.
2. Do interesting things. Try something new. Go someplace you wouldn’t otherwise go. Try rappelling, scuba diving, or hitting balls at the batting cages. Take lessons in flying, tennis or piano. Join a group and participate in its functions. Find something you like to do. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s not video gaming. If you can afford it, go on a vacation alone and sight-see. Drive somewhere with a few other people for the hell of it. All these things help make you interesting and well rounded, and give you stories to tell. Don’t be afraid of failure- there’s a first time for everything. My college summer roommate bitched and moaned because he had no golf partner so I went with him once to shut him up. I didn’t hate it- and found a new sport I kind of liked. I’m not good at it, but it’s fun. I drove a date once 85 miles (one way) for great pizza. Loosen up. Live a little. For God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t sit at home reading, watching TV or renting movies alone. Get out there. Do something.
3. Go to public places where different people gather. Go to any downtown bar or night spot in any city with a population over 75,000. Go alone or with one or two other guys. Don’t approach any women at first. Enjoy your drinks but don’t get drunk. Don’t sit there and watch the TV. Watch the action. Watch what other men do. Chat up the bartender – especially the women bartenders. See who the newbies are, and identify the regulars. Watch what the women do. Note the center of the action, and the periphery. Take it all in. A well rounded man does not just watch or see. He observes. He assesses. He evaluates. He hears and notices not only what is said, but what is not said. He sees not only what is done, but what is not done. You’ll learn so much and get much more comfortable handling yourself and others when you get out where others congregate, and observe what’s done and not done. It will do wonders for your confidence.
4. Don’t take dating advice from your mother, unless she is June Cleaver. Your mother is not June Cleaver.
5. Discard the following advice, because all of it is false and probably came from your overbearing feminist mother:
a. Be a nice guy.
b. Never approach a woman who you find attractive. You should just let it happen naturally, or let her come to you.
c. Women want to be friends with a man first, then get romantic with him because they already know him.
d. You should show a woman your emotions right away.
e. Every woman deserves to be treated like a queen.
f. Women are looks-oriented, and they only like “hot” guys like male models, or the hot actor, or some other flavor-of-the-month.
g. Do lots of talking and show what a great conversationalist you are.
h. Never touch a woman you’ve just met and are getting to know, until she expressly gives you permission or she touches you first.
i. Never try to kiss a woman unless you have asked and she gives permission, or she kisses you first.
j. Tell a woman how you want marriage and how many kids you have.
k. You MUST call a woman the very next day after a date to thank her and set up another date.
l. You must do everything a woman asks you.
m. You must never try to put a woman in her place.
6. Here’s the truth:
a. Be a confident man. Be kind and courteous, but be direct. Don’t mince words. Don’t be deferential, apologetic or obsequious merely for pursuing what you want.
b. Women want to be approached. Even if you get shot down 19 times, there’ll be one out of the 20 who will be interested. Women time and again give props to the man who knows what he wants and goes after it. The risk is great but the reward for the successful, persistent man is immeasurable. If you let it happen, you’ll be waiting forever – and you might miss out. Besides, what have you got to lose? What’s the worst that can happen? She says no? She’s not interested? She laughs at you? So what? I’ve been shot down, laughed at, made a laughingstock, been thrown out of parties and bars, had drinks thrown in my face, even been puked on. It will not kill you. You’ll live to talk about it another day.
c. A woman getting romantic with her best boy-buddy only happens in TV movies on Disney and Lifetime. Chemistry, people. It’s either there or it’s not. Odds are you’re never going to mix it up with one of your girl-buddies from class or in your major. She’s most likely already LJBF’d (Let’s Just Be Friends) you. Every romantic interest I ever had started out hot, with immediate and palpable sexual attraction. You know when it’s there and when it’s note.
d. When she’s just met you and on the first few dates, a woman definitely does not want to see you emote. She’s surrounded by girlfriends and BFFs who do nothing but emote all damn day long. She does not care how you feel. She wants to see how you do on her tests. Jeez, if you start talking about all your deep feelings, you’ll creep her out.
e. This is called putting her on a pedestal. Don’t do it. Don’t compliment her. Don’t tell her how beautiful, attractive or talented she is. You’re with her. You think she’s attractive. She knows you think that or you wouldn’t be there with her, genius. Don’t treat her like a queen. Treat her like a woman you’d like to get to know. If you pedestalize her, she’ll lose interest because you’ve just failed a basic test — you did not stand up to her.
f. This is absolutely crucial. If you don’t get anything else from this comment, get this: Women do not see physical appearance first. What gets their engines going are a man’s confidence, his comfort level, and his bearing (his presence, personality, and charisma). They also smell fear a mile away. If you’re afraid or fear rejection, they’ll know it – and crush you. That’s why confidence and comfort are vital.
g. Big mistake. Shut yer trap. Don’t talk so much. It’s not 20 Questions. Don’t interview her. Talk with her. Let her do most of the talking. And don’t submit to 20 Questions either- that’s a test. You’re there to meet interesting people and have a little fun. Reframe it. Shut down the interrogation on both ends. And don’t lean in and invade her space because you can’t hear her. It creeps her out. Remember – you don’t know her well and she’s getting to know you. Use it as an excuse to move her to another place in the house, party or bar.
h. Women respond to light touching on the forearm or back (but nowhere else). Touch when conversing to make a point. It establishes a connection and tests attraction. If she pulls away, that’s fine. Ignore it and move on to something else. Touch when directing her to face you or to move to another place. It shows you’re leading and giving direction. If she pulls away, fine. Ignore it and don’t touch again. You might need to move on and pull back entirely.
i. Don’t discuss kissing or ask about it. If it’s been a good date, and you think she’s receptive, make a move. What have you got to lose? If she turns away, you’ve got your answer. It will happen a lot. That’s OK.
j. NO. This creeps young women out. Don’t talk about marriage and kids unless that’s part of your game with this woman or you’re really serious about it (and you should not be serious about it on the second or third date).
k. NO. Don’t call her the next day. This beta move smacks of desperation, lack of confidence, and overeagerness. She knows you just want to get in her pants, but could you be a little more patient and subtle? Let her mull over it, commiserate with her BFFs, and stew in the juices. Give her a couple of days to consider you. Then call, but only if you’re interested. Even then, don’t show too much interest. And for God’s sake don’t give her a gift or flowers. It was a first date. She hasn’t earned this, and it will creep her out.
l. No, you must not do everything a woman asks you. This is a test. If you succumb to this, she’ll know she can walk all over you and will lose respect for you so fast it’ll make your head spin. You need to tell her no sometimes. Maybe you don’t want to do what she wants. Maybe her course of action is downright stupid. Maybe she’s a spoiled princess and no one’s ever said no to her. She needs to be told no. She needs you to help prevent her emotions, her hamster or her entitlement monkey from taking over.
m. Sometimes women do need to be restrained. They are a bundle of unbridled emotion and enzymes, which many times they don’t understand. This wouldn’t be so bad if they did not often let those feelings and hormones control their decisionmaking processes and higher functions. But they do, and so restraint is sometimes in order. Sometimes they must be told in no uncertain terms to STFU and STFD.