Yahoo!’s celebrity-interest blog posted a video-article combo entitled “Why do men hate these popular trends women love?” hosted by a less-endowed simulacrum of Katy Perry. The question of “why” is not well discussed, but one commenter summed it up hilariously with “cuz they are straight?”
1. Ugg boots
The on-set footwear of choice for celebrities (how many times have we seen photos of the “Gossip Girl” crew in gowns and Uggs?) is admittedly hard on the eyes. But in the right situation and when worn with jeans (NOT jean shorts), they’re worth it. If more guys tried on a pair, they’d understand. It’s the shoe equivalent of comfort food.
Nobody goes out for comfort food, and you don’t see me wearing my fuzzy bearclaw slippers down to the neighborhood coffee shop.
When did dressing like a slob become a positive statement? Have we devolved from blue-collar-look hipsterism all the way down to dumpy chic? Two things guys don’t want in a girlfriend: slovenly dress habits (does he want to take that home to Mom?) and trend-following. By saying something like this is trendy, you are really giving yourself two strikes at the same time.
2. Oversized sunglasses
Guys think they make us look like bugs. I think they add glamour and drama. But, I’ll concede one point: It’s important to find a size and shape that actually fits your face.
I admit I don’t have any problem with big shades, just with the spoiled raconteurette culture they symbolize. I don’t think I’ve met a woman in big sunglasses who didn’t have an attitude to match.
Even stylish and svelte women like Blake Lively and Kourtney Kardashian can barely pull them off. I understand the retro appeal, but they’re awfully hard to look good in. Guys win this one.
The “jumpsuit” or romper of which they speak of is really a moo moo with a crotch. If you’re getting ready to bust some ghosts or fire up the DeLorean to go back to 1955, a jumpsuit is obligatory; why women want to wear them with most of the leg cut off I can’t fathom. It looks like you couldn’t be bothered to dress yourself properly, or a homemade-clothing experiment that ran out of material.
4. Red lipstick
This one was a surprise. Apparently, some guys find the un-kissability factor a turnoff. I think there’s nothing sexier than red lips, gold eyeshadow and extra long lashes.
I like red lips. I am flummoxed by this “un-kissability factor.” If I want to kiss a woman I do it, I don’t seek permission from her makeup artist. All the better if she gets some on my face and shirt – then I can pull out the old “I have it take it off and wash it, why don’t you wait with me in my apartment while my shirt dries?” Skin tone makes a big difference though, paler women with bright red lipstick look like cartoons.
5. Harem pants
Celebrities like Julianne Moore and Jessica Alba have tried their best to make them look halfway decent, but there’s no way anyone can honestly say there isn’t a more flattering option then a pair of pants that look like they come with a built-in diaper. Guys win this one, too.
Does anything need to be said about pants that, like prostiboots and fu%$-me pumps, literally say “I’m a slut” in the name of the article of clothing?
6. Socks with sandals
Respected indie fashionistas like Chloe Sevigny and Alexa Chung valiantly tested the trend but I say the sexiness of a strappy sandal is undercut by a wooly underlayer.
I must plead ignorance on this one. I’ve never heard of these “fashionistas,” and I’ve never run into this trend. Maybe I have a natural hipster-avoidance gene.
STRAIGHT TALK FROM A REGULAR DUDE
Here’s a newsflash for women from me, on behalf of men in general: we don’t give a shit about fashion. We don’t care what celebrities are wearing on the red carpet. (We do care about what’s under the dresses.) Heavy makeup does not make a woman prettier, although light makeup is tasteful. Fashionable clothing does not make a woman any hotter; Kate Middleton is pretty no matter what she’s wearing, though I understand that to women around the world she would just be Katie from the block if she didn’t have William’s nuclear preselection. (Speaking of which, I’ll never understand why Cammila Bowles wore a dead bird in her hair in her wedding to Prince Charles.)
When we have to go somewhere we don’t care if it’s the pink top or the blue top. Maybe your ass does look fat in those pants, but we’ll give your groin a tactile examination just to make sure.
SELLING YOURSELF THE WRONG WAY TO THE WRONG PEOPLE
Here’s the key long-term point: fashion obsession, flipping through vapid magazines, judging yourself against the standards of unimaginably wealthy people you’ll never meet, tittering from store to store stuffing bags full of overpriced labels spending money you probably don’t have is unbecoming of a woman we would want to take for a wife.
The most important thing you need to understand is that what YOU think looks good on a woman is probably not what we think. This topic underlies a major cultural divide – what women find “attractive” in other women, and what men actually find attractive in women. Even my pal Susan Walsh has said more than once that she is a terrible judge of which women men find attractive. (Then again, you don’t have to take my word for it…I’m helpless in the face of a woman in a pantsuit.)
This divide has a critical application – if you’re more concerned with looking good for your girlfriends than your husband, you need to think about upping your commitment to the marriage. (Lest you think I’m some kind of a chauvinist, I would say the same to husbands – your overall look and style has to serve the interests of your wife and family before that of your bros.)
Long hair and staying in reasonable shape are by far the most effective “fashion” tools you can deploy for your LTR/marriage. Short of any fetishes your husband might have; if he digs you eating breakfast wearing a shower curtain then by all means think it over.
FREEDOM AIN’T FREE
It’s not that I’m telling anybody what to do. I’m all for freedom – but the definition of freedom includes consequences (in fact that’s part of the thrill of freedom) and young women need to be aware of the messages they are sending as they seek mates. If Uggs and a hoody or low-rise jeans and a bedazzled tank top are your look, I think it’s a fair deal: how about I don’t complain about your wardrobe, and you don’t complain that you can’t find a man who’s not a player or a layabout – the harvests of slutwear and dressing down, respectively.
Comments on the Yahoo! article were mixed but with a healthy component of skeptical women denouncing said fashion trends. The pro-trendy comments were along the lines of this one:
Women wear trends for themselves, not men. So men need to get over it!!
There’s something contradictory about conforming to a trend “for yourself,” but in any case, men don’t need to get over it. Your average man has innumerable ways to fill his time – work, family, hobbies, friends, other women, porn. He’s got plenty of options besides a materialistic woman whose self-worth is wrapped up in wearing what a marketing department told her to.
Further reading: grerp’s Piece of Advice #10: Toss your women’s magazines