SIRENS FROM THE ISLANDS
In a major honor for me, Dave from Hawaii left a comment on yesterday’s post (in which I quoted his “inviting her into my life” elucidation of frame). Part of his comment is a great jumping-off point to the topic of shit testing or fitness testing.
While people refer to shit tests as fitness tests or congruence tests…another good way to think about it is a FRAME test.
She’s testing to see if you are going to maintain your frame – the one she wants to be a part of – of if you’re gonna lose your perspective and get caught up in her frame.
FIT OR BETA
The pathology of fitness testing is oft discussed in the manosphere. (For his part, Roissy has asserted that shit testing is a hardwired biological imperative, part of a woman’s DNA.) A critical realization for men trying to understand female communication is that the fitness test is not about the verbal request – it’s about the subliminal play for dominance and how you respond to it.
Fitness testing as a real test, in the early dating process, is easy to understand – both genders have semi-subconscious ways of evaluating their partner’s biological quality. What makes less sense is why a woman would continue the testing throughout a relationship or a marriage, as innumerable men will attest. Shirley it’s enough to run the tests a few times early, and go on with your mutual life in peace?
Well don’t call me Shirley, I struggled with this question for a while – perhaps a majority of women were irrational and paranoid and insisted on re-qualifying their men more often than you’d change oil? – until I saw a blog post by stagetwo entitled “Rubbing Up Against Your Manhood” that simply and clearly spelled out what’s going on.
The concept of shittest suggests a probing and information-gathering function. Once you’ve passed a sequence of such tests, your manhood should be accepted (or rejected), and the shittesting should end. However, to the extent that the relationship remains sexual in nature, her shittesting, though it might become milder, may never end.
This is because what we call a shittest is not just a test. It is rubbing up against your manhood, and it serves not only to test but also to feel and just enjoy your manhood.
Recall that porn is about physical encounters that reveal the female object’s physical beauty. And romance novels, the female equivalent of porn, are about story, dialogue, emotion, in short: dramatic interactions that reveal the male object’s dominance and power.
Similarly, the female equivalent of rubbing up against your sex [where the male version is sensual touch] is not touching your prick, but creating dramatic interactions that reveal your dominance and power.
So the act of “testing” is not just testing for a resource, it’s utilizing the resource for what she sees as its intended purpose – affirming, comforting and exciting her in a frame in which she feels comfortable.
This explanation is so brilliant and yet so intuitive I don’t know why I had never seen it laid out like this before. What’s the point of testing if you’re not going to use the skills you test for? (Bio-focused people would probably say that the resource is “cashed in” when the woman bears the man’s progeny, genetic fitness being the motivation for the test in the first place. However, humans are interesting and complex creatures, and a single action often underwrites biological, social AND intellectual motivations.)
For the sake of re-emphasis, it might help to re-frame the issue, no pun intended. Have you ever had a friend who had an animus about a benign topic? And have you ever intentionally teased or provoked this person, just to see them launch into a tirade about Sam Bowie being drafted ahead of Michael Jordan, or the cable company, or their least favorite airline, or Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes? (That last one was for the women reading.) And you chuckle and give them an understanding wink for bringing some humor to your day, even if they had to be goaded into it.
That, my friends, is exactly what’s going on with shit testing. Failing one is like refusing to tell a funny joke when set up, it disappoints the audience and they (she) will lose faith in you.
Of course, if you’re funny on a regular basis, people won’t ask you to tell jokes – you’ve done it before they have time to ask. That goes for shit testing too.
LOOK AT ME
I’d be remiss if I closed out the topic without this clip. The cultivation of frame was a major plot point in the 1995 crime farce Get Shorty.