Sounds like they liked it, so I’ll probably be making posting appearances there on the regular. Hope you enjoy it.
I have been evangelizing the juicing lifestyle in my office and personal life (hat tip to fit-juice.com for turning me on to it). It’s really paid off for a small handful of people. Most others are skeptically hostile, throwing a wide-eyed nauseous look at the beautiful green and purple colors before they go back to their bag of chips.
Then occasionally I get the Keyboard Jockey of Juicing. The dude who’s never pushed the plunger in his life but insists on telling me how I’m doing it wrong. One dude was actually curious about my juices and gave them a try, then started talking about getting a juicer himself. I was happy for him and offered any help he might want.
He came back a couple days later with a bevy of purchase options and wanted to know which was which – centrifugal, masticating, that one from the infomerical, etc. I told him to get an inexpensive centrifugal juicer (the least expensive design) to try out before he blew a few Benjamins on a much more expensive masticating model. (I myself paid $59 for the Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juice Extractor and it’s awesome – my only complaint is that the juice catcher is only about 20 oz so I have to stop in the middle of making a quart of juice and empty it into another vessel.)
Well I should have seen it coming, but the dude got the Shoppers’ Disease and started trying to assimilate all the information he’d read on the Internet from God-knows-where. He started feeding it back to me as if he was an expert. This conversation actually happened:
“Dude apparently everyone says for vegetables and leafy greens you need the masticating juicer.”
“Oh really…who is ‘everyone’?”
“Internet people and juicing websites. I’ve been reading up on the Omega [a high-end masticating juicer that pushes over $200 list]. Do you put any fruits in your juice? People say juicing a fruit is bad, cause you only get the sugar, blending a fruit keeps the fiber.” (When someone starts saying that fruit is bad because sugar, you’re dealing with a nutritional ideologue rather than a health-oriented person.)
“Most of my juices are fruit-based. Dude it sounds like you’ve been reading too much on the Internet. If you have $300 burning a whole in your pocket, go ahead and enter at the masticating level. The centrifuge is cheap and easy, gives you a good idea what it’s like and you can always upgrade.”
“People are so defensive about the Omega…”
“Yeah there is a counter-productive holy war out there about juicers.”
“This guy commented that he got a $60 Cuisinart, and they flamed him so bad.”
“Some people have a lot of time on their hands…time they should spend juicing more and talking less.”
This inane discussion goes back to “don’t let perfect be the enemy of better” – you don’t have to jump from non-juicer to semi-professional in one quantum leap. That’s why there are products at various price points, so you can test the lifestyle out. It’s also why you should check yourself if you find you’re reading a lot of theoretical commentary on the Internet without trying things yourself. That goes for juicing, fitness advice, the Krav/BJJ holy war, game, finance, and on and on – on anything that involves your own behavior, you should try something before you get deeply committed to some ideology that for you only exists on paper or on screen.
Forged by all the years I’ve been putting words to the page, and tempered by a series of excellent and demanding teachers, the process of writing is pretty intuitive to me by now. I was once in correspondence with a number of old-school Manosphere bloggers, and one of us asked the group what motivated us to write and blog. Almost everyone deployed a variation of “the muse wills it” – the drive to express ourselves in prose was by that point hardwired, in the same way that a musician is driven to play his instrument.
Many guidelines, rules and structures have touched my prosaic oeuvre. Most of them went through a practice period and have since been subsumed, becoming deeply ingrained habits. The basics – the five-paragraph paper, topic and concluding sentences, transitions, assembling an assertive-supportive argument pattern, parallel structure, metaphor – went in early and easily, as I was eager both to please my instructors and to wield the pen effectively.
A few years ago I occasioned upon a brilliant quote by English writer Samuel Johnson:
“I would say to Robertson what an old tutor of a college said to one of his pupils:’Read over your compositions, and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.‘”
(Emphasis mine. One of many attributions can be seen here, a site that claims Johnson is the second most-quoted person in the history of the English language after William Shakespeare.)
This advice is brilliant in its simplicity – your writing isn’t as impressive as you think. Writers have a tendency towards vanity and self-amusement (I have laughed out loud many times while writing blog posts), a habit that doesn’t always lend itself to effective writing. If you fall in love with some brilliant line or quip you’ve spun, you might be doing your piece a disservice. Maybe it was a really good line and you had to stuff it in there somewhere without congruence. Maybe it was a clever conjecture that didn’t fit into your overall argument. Maybe you’re just caught up in showing off how smart and crafty you are, a conceit that serves a much smaller rhetorical purpose than one thinks.
To paraphrase a maxim of teaching, it’s not about what you say – it’s about what the audience hears.
Writers like Roosh who are known for their clarity excel at avoiding the baroque ornamentations that form one-man inside jokes at the quizzical or bored expense of the readership. Pascal’s joke “I had not the time to make this letter shorter” resonates deeply with writers, who understand the deep challenge of discipline in detasseling the chaff of one draft after another.
I recall the piece I was originally reading attributed the quip to Benjamin Franklin, whose mastery of ideas and their practical implications made him an iconic American hero to this day. However, when discussing this quote with a friend, I took to the Googles to verify its source and learned the truth of Dr. Johnson’s claim.
In any case, since discovering it, this tip alone has saved me literally scores of compositional and rhetorical faux pas. I tend to write in a nonlinear manner, collecting patchwork paragraphs across a general topic and then weaving them together into a whole as the ideas coalesce into a point. Thus, almost every piece I’ve written for this blog has had large or small portions completely cut out. It’s not unusual to see whole paragraphs written and then eliminated – at times providing the seed for other posts, but often simply vanishing.
Sometimes even the first or second paragraph I write winds up not fitting with the piece that has come to life around it. Out it goes.
It’s no secret that good editing is the secret sauce to consistent quality in a blogging space. If you check out this link, you’ll see that Mike from Danger&Play dedicated himself to a 10-revision minimum before he’d put a post up for public view. The result, since the start of this year, has been some of the best male-interest material you’ll ever read.
I suppose “the best tip ever” is a bit hyperbolic; it might be more appropriate to say the best tip that I still consciously think about. This is fitting, as I see it, because the paradoxical process of suppressing your own ego in the midst of an act of self-expression requires a fundamentally conscious deployment of will. I doubt this skill can ever be habituated, at least not without feeling that tiny twinge of loss when you strike out a particular bright brainchild.
For those of you who are seriously interested in studying the rudiments of good writing – and especially for the young guys, I highly recommend you do so – I can’t recommend a single text more than “Perrine’s Literature: Structure, Sound, and Sense” by Arp and Johnson. (Here’s one of a few cheapo links.) A longtime English/Lit textbook, it masterfully combines a practical explanation of the basics (figurative language, literary devices, poetic and rhetorical structures) with a collection of excellent and enjoyable literary pieces that illustrate the academic points without sounding cherry-picked. If you want to be good at anything you need to understand the fundamentals, and this is as good a source as I’ve seen in the fundamentals of written language.
Much mirth was had when Tinderfessions went live on Twitter in March. The site tinderfessions.com collects testimonials from Tinder users and posts them to the Tinderfessions account on Twitter. (Hat tip to Heartiste for pointing it out to me; CH had a reader call it “the global march of absolute sexual anarchy.”)
Browsing the narratives casually, I was struck by one note of complaint:
Saying you’ll make sure I’ll have a good time, means you have a small dick and are a tryer. Fuck off mate. – Hannah
— Tinderfessions (@tinderfessions) March 31, 2014
This is the outgrowth and the logical conclusion of the “just get it” movement – to wit, “women despise a man who needs to be told to be dominant.” Or to be anything, really. Or who gets spotted trying to be anything. The man who shows these kinds of women any concern at all, any desire to see her happy or to deliver her pleasure, gets the scarlet β sewn to his hairshirt before he’s paraded around the Tinderfessions as a lesser being.
In one frame, this isn’t much different than standard dating advice. It’s easy to observe that most women don’t care to be doted on, and the impression that the guy is not laying out the red carpet for the girl but is rather simply out having a good time and has invited her into his fun is integral to the success of the date.
The old-school PUAs had a lot of invective against “supplication” – begging or transacting for a woman’s approval – and this good lesson has been reiterated across the years. But today’s beta detectors are set to such high sensitivities that any concern for the woman at all is seen as supplication, as an unacceptable abdication of a Real Man’s proper self-concern. This is the “Girls” world that young men are living in; these uptight Bohemians want to be pounded by guys who don’t give a shit and they don’t even pretend to deliver paeons to the beta-nice-guy types that they will come back to their position on the buffet table later.
I’m not an analyst but it’s not hard to see this partially as a twisted self-protection measure. For all their chatter about self-esteem, these women are possessed of a vapid and amorphous insecurity that motivates a complete avoidance of intimacy and emotional contact for the purpose of incubating their own emotional immaturity. The dude can’t care, because if the dude cares, then they might feel obligated to care as well, and they can’t have that.
Don’t get me wrong; the “chicks dig jerks” phenomenon is blasé for me by now. I understand its mechanics and motivations, and I’ve come to understand how simple it can be to accumulate some “badass points” and grab a piece of that particular peach pie. I don’t intend to rehash it.
This Tinderfession, however, is something else entirely; this is a psychosis built of distrust and self-hatred. These gals are like dudes who are into the Hot Wife fantasy – their sexual cognition elements are busted, and sex plays out in a objectified and symbolic melodrama rather than a relation between two people.
SHOW DON’T TELL
One interesting thing to consider is if a dude did the opposite behavior – said on his Tinder profile “I don’t care if you have a good time.” Would he get fluttering excitement in response instead of snarling contempt?
I can’t read minds, but probably not.
History shows that a man’s statements of insouciance are rarely effective in promoting the tingles. Rather, it is the actions that display the lack of concern that arouse his quarry. As Roissy says, the key to that lock is being an “uncaring asshole” rather than a caring one – to leverage one’s indifference rather than one’s indolence.
Consider telling your woman that you have options and that she should consider that before she steps outside the appropriate relationship boundaries. Then consider going out with her and chatting with other women and not hiding the fact that other girls are into you, and if you had to get rid of her (or she got rid of you), you wouldn’t have much trouble lining up a replacement. It doesn’t take a lot of experience to know that the latter behavior will better communicate your position.
Likewise, the thrill of a romp with a dominant man is not in his platitudes that he’s not a “tryer;” the thrill is in her experiencing firsthand him putting his own pleasure first. That he’s relegated hers to an afterthought is not the fulfillment of a contractual guarantee but a byproduct of the dominance and self-centeredness that themselves are attractive and arousing to her.
I don’t like to do a lot of bitching about feminism, but there’s an important context to men saying “I’ll make sure you’ll have a good time.” That context is two generations of intense shaming of men as not caring or sensitive enough; 40 years of being told they shouldn’t act like they’re the only one in the bedroom; that if they try harder to get their women off they’ll be rewarded with more enthusiastic lovers and happier wives. Where does this indoctrination get the rehabilitated man, the guy who recoils in horror at the idea of the selfish penis and commits himself to being different than all those other lazy selfish guys?
It gets him on the back end of a nasty Tinderfession from a bird who wants to be treated as an accessory to the man’s pleasure. It’s a great time to be alive.
Of late, I’ve posted a series of missives encouraging people to start moving towards their big goals as soon as they’ve started the marginal improvements they need to get there.
The theme is that it’s never too early to start drawing the benefits of your self-improvement projects, indeed that the good feeling of knowing you are getting better can itself give you the gumption and confidence to take a good crack at your goals.
I want to close this series, however, with a counterpart piece of advice: it’s never too late to start living a better life.
I am not the first to say this, but it’s something you can never overemphasize – even to yourself. This is especially germane for guys out of their 20′s where the frame of their life is less mutable than it used to be. That you have burned opportunity cost can make you believe that you’re stuck and you’re never going to get anywhere. There is always an opening for better living.
“It’s never too late” seems obvious – “who wouldn’t want a better life any way they could get it?” – but people talk themselves out of improving their lives all the time. One major factor is that they feel the best opportunities have passed them by and there’s no return on the investment available anymore. They think they’ll look silly chasing something better, that they’ll stand out among their social group.
Don’t get seduced by this brand of fatalism. Even if you can’t get what you might have gotten 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago, you can get better than you’ve got now. And don’t think it’s going to be a slim return. I have a palette of friends in every stage of life from college to post-retirement, at least one guy in every stage tells me “this is the best time of my life.”
START STEPPING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. Some guys are in really bad straits. Consider a spectacularly average and under-romantiqued dude passing into middle age. “Well, I’ve fucked up my life. I wear disfashionable clothing to hide my frumpy body. I have a distasteful, embittered personality, my flirting skills have atrophied, I’m in poor financial shape and I stuff my brain with junk culture. I have no distinguishing job skills, so I’m a replaceable vassal to the whims of management.”
What do you do if you were this guy? Here’s what you do. You make the best choices you can from that day forward to get things better than they’ve been. Swap in better clothes for the shitty ones. Do some approaches. Pay off some debt. Read a book instead of watching TV, and get off the Internet. Smile more and stop blaming others for your situation. Go for some walks around the neighborhood. You’re not going to turn into a raconteur with a body like The Rock. But you’re going to be a much better version of yourself before too long.
Until Mr. Fusion is on the retail market, there’s no going back in time to correct your previous mistakes or offenses or misjudgments. The best move you can do now is to do the best move now.
If you just graduated college, but studied a shitty subject and got no play, now’s the time to start getting social and building practical job skills you can make a career out of.
If your health sucks after 20 years of bad lifestyle, now is the time to make moves to eat healthier and push your body into fitness. You don’t need to be Mr. Olympia, you have to get to a better health place so you can enjoy your later years in some semblance of physical comfort.
If you’ve red-pilled after finding yourself in a mediocre (or worse) marriage, now is the time to run the MAP and either make your marriage better or get out of the relationship with enough value and pizazz to get a better one.
If your wardrobe would make a goth skater punk look down on you, today’s the day to go get a nice pair of shoes and a shirt that fits you and wear that shit around town.
If your career sucks, now’s the time to build some new networks or flip into a new line of work entirely. It may be too late to get rich, but it’s not too late to get paid more or to get paid doing something you’re proud of.
If your finances are in bad shape, the best thing you can do is stop the bleeding by eliminating bad spending, saving a slice of each paycheck, and paying off debts (credit cards first I’m told) so that each subsequent month you are a little less burdened.
If you’ve lost touch with family or old friends, now’s the time to pick up the phone and take the first step towards mending those fences. You can never get back the time you spent apart, but you can be in each other’s futures. (And if they can’t be mended, you at least know you did what you could once you were honest enough with yourself to admit you needed to try.)
BETTER FEELS GOOD
I can’t speak for the readership, but I feel better when I get better – even if the improvement is marginal. And it doesn’t take that many marginal steps before you start to really feel like a better man. If you’re going to tell me “ehh, it ain’t worth it,” you’re lying to both of us and you know it.
Now, I am not insensitive to why people’s minds push them against taking those first steps. I’ve said before that I’m a procrastinator. Part of my problem is distraction, but the part of it I really don’t want to admit is shame. I’m possessed of the resistance that if I start doing the thing I’ve been delaying it will all the more highlight that I’ve been stupid and slovenly in delaying. The procrastination builds on itself because the psychic “cost,” the self-shame I have to face, becomes higher and higher. I greatly fear the idea of crossing the threshold into doing. However, I’ve noticed that when I force myself to do something I’ve delayed, I get a huge sense of relief that it’s finally getting checked off the list. This is actually how I’m starting to get a lot better at getting things done that I don’t want to do – to beat away the anticipation of regret, I remind myself how invariably good I feel once I start doing it. (I wrote about another application of this technique in a post about affirmations.)
It may take some personal forgiveness; you can’t retroactively shame yourself, as if doing it wrong before means you’re not allowed to do it right this time. One particularly pernicious human tendency is to revert back to the social status and frame of our youth under pressure. If for example you were a low-value geeky virgin in high school, but by the time you got to your early 20′s you were a sharp, fit, intelligent, upwardly-mobile kind of guy, you might not believe the change and you may still act like the former when the opportunities and pressures of your present-day existence make themselves apparent. This is especially common when you are around the people of your less-than-stellar youth – family and school reunions are famous for bringing out social atavism with everyone subconsciously re-taking their roles from the past.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t think that you’re a fuckup and you’ve made your bed and have to lie in it. Don’t believe that greatness is other people’s destiny. The first day of your better life should be today.
I really like browsing the blog fit-juice.com. Formerly called “Juicing for Men,” it was started by a weightlifting enthusiast who took up juicing after watching the documentary “Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.”
He specifically felt that juicing needed a re-branding in order to be evangelized to gruff and masculine but health-conscious men like him, as juicing had been culturally monopolized by feminine and new-age sensibilities. It worked on me: I juice daily now and I feel great.
Regular debates – with both haters and reasonable challengers – broke out about various aspects of the craft, such as juicing versus smoothies (with regard to the retained fiber content), which recipes offer the most health, and how long you can wait to drink a fresh juice before oxidation consumes the nutrients.
His response to these debates, either in word or in frame, has always been “don’t let perfect be the enemy of better.” If you want to use juice to improve your health, the most important move is…to be juicing regularly. That might mean modifying a “standard” juice recipe to be more to your taste, and making it a little less healthy. That might mean making all your juice on Sunday night, taking frozen bottles to work daily instead of getting literally fresh-from-the-blade product. Whatever it is, getting too caught up in the orthodox way you are “supposed” to be doing things more often than not will simply burn you out and prevent you from getting any benefits from the project at all. If you are worried about “oxidation” and don’t juice at all, you are replacing your food and fluid intake with something else that’s almost certainly not as good.
It’s a bit like the idea that the best workout plan is one that you know you can stick to, and purism and orthodoxy can be reasonably sacrificed if the alternative is not doing it period. People complain “I don’t have enough time to work out today,” but those who are good at keeping their fitness up know to do just the push-ups and the sit-ups, or the five minutes with the foam rollers, if that’s all they have time for that day.
PURISM MASKS FEAR
I’ve noticed in my own life and in others’ that appeals to purity and perfectionism can sometimes be a subconsciously intentional self-defeat mechanism, occasionally including a shame or fear-of-failure factor. We humans are very good at straw-manning ourselves out of doing things, and providing a self-deprecating script is a classic way we do it.
It’s like when you talk yourself out of approaching a girl because “she’s probably a bitch, and she’s not that hot anyway, and…” You’re projecting your approach anxiety onto other factors to avoid facing your own lack of courage and action.
Likewise a friend told me she didn’t want to try my lunchtime juice because “I heard that it loses half its nutrients if you don’t drink it within 10 minutes of making it.” Partially-oxidized juice isn’t as good as the fresh stuff, but it still beats juice out of a store-shelf bottle, and certainly beats no juice at all (replaced in the diet with nutrient-free water or negative-nutrition sodas and sugared juice cocktails). This was a sensible, health-conscious woman who Crossfits on the regular, but was going to allow an illogical syllogism stop her from supplementing her health.
I touched on self-sabotage last week with a post on “I’m not allowed to do X until I am better at Y” being a cop-out, an instance of self-improvement as self-limitation (quote abridged):
…you don’t need to reach some arbitrary goal before you can feel good about yourself. Some guys get into a frame of “I can do X once I am finished with Y” and then it’s only a slight shift to start moving the goalposts to avoid taking the next step…you’ve leveraged one self-improvement project to block the execution of another.
Sometimes we fear success more than failure, for the unfamiliar expectations it can bring. Athol Kay had a great post on this called “When You Don’t Think You’re Allowed to Win, You Find a Way to Lose.” He’s noticed a trend of his readers and customers sabotaging themselves right on the brink of major success, such as not taking that last college requirement, or not billing out your invoices so you get paid for self-employed work you’ve already done, or not finishing off a home project. (A long-form read of his blog suggests that he may have suffered this himself at some point; I can say from experience it’s not uncommon for a writer, as we tend to have mild inferiority and compulsivity complexes about endlessly editing our works.)
This is one instance where you could say these folks have bad “inner game.” They can’t really conceive of themselves as truly successful, so instead of becoming successful in action and thus entering a new personality frame, they mentally “bank” the 90% success as a “better than a good try” and can’t internalize the things they need to get done to cash in on success for real.
The man speaks…
The core of the problem is that you’re experiencing a low energy state and lack feeling entitled to succeed, to win, or to simply have things go right. So you sabotage yourself to align your level of success, love and happiness to the same level of your current energy set. This is why you can’t have nice things.
GET TO BETTER, THEN WORRY ABOUT PERFECT
Back to the point: you don’t want to skimp on quality in your life by going half-assed in something. But if that half-step is better than what you’ve got going right now and gets you moving towards improvement, then go halfsies.
I invite the readership to list life items they’ve talked themselves out of, and how they’ve convinced themselves to go for “better” instead of “perfect.
It’s been a week of synchronicity. Barely hours after my post about believing in your own progress as a man, Obsidian at Just Four Guys posted a tome on Inner and Outer Game and their advocates. I quoted Alexis de Tocqueville in my post; Roissy riffed on a different quote from the same public philosopher, with further commentary from Vox Day at Alpha Game.
One of my points in my last post was that you don’t need to reach some arbitrary goal before you can feel good about yourself or before you give yourself permission to start deploying your game to the women of the world. Some guys get into a frame of “I can do X once I am finished with Y” and then it’s only a slight shift to start moving the goalposts to avoid taking the next step; “well I don’t look as good as I thought, I better bulk up some more before I talk to some girls,” or “I’m going to start approaching once this summer project at work is over and I have a more clear career plan.” It doesn’t have to be approaching per se, it can be developing a better social group, or even going after some personal passions you’ve put off in favor of improving your baseline health and wellness.
This behavioral block plain and simple prevents you from taking further action; you’ve leveraged one self-improvement project to block the execution of another, and you’ve done so intentionally (if subconsciously). One other flaw of this pattern is that you get into a Nice Guy way of thinking, where you believe you “deserve” a “reward” for whatever arbitrary metric you have reached. and then you set yourself up for resentment when you don’t get the reward you think should be coming to you.
Sure enough, yet another blog post published on January 15 dovetailed into the same idea expressed in my post. Peregrine John tells of his friend, a drummer, who lets him in on the secret of gigging as a small-time band:
It was Mariano who explained to me, years ago, that it’s not necessary to have a chart-topping band in order to get regular gigs, it’s only necessary to be good enough musically, and enjoyable to watch. Like a lot of classically-trained musicians, I have this idea that you shouldn’t even think about getting onstage until you’re closely approaching perfection. That includes the arrangement of the music, the skill in delivering it, and the show aspects. As any perfectionist and most musicians will attest, these are good things to aim for but take a good while to bring about. More to the point, waiting for that will both slow your abilities (which do require performance to fully develop) and cause you to pass up perfectly valid opportunities to play.
…If the audience is happy with Good which is striving to be Very Good, or Very Good on the way to Great, there is no reason not to look for paying gigs as soon as reasonably possible. Plus, if you take your music and showmanship seriously, odds are strong that you’ll be on the short list soon enough.
We don’t have to be the second coming of Aerosmith or Van Halen to get gigs. We just have to be the best choice the venue has. That’s definitely good enough. And the bar is sometimes lower than we figured.
As a musician myself, I certainly identify. I always wanted to be spot-on and perfect before taking my skills onstage or even playing in a band. I learned very early, however, that I had to put that insecurity behind me and just start playing with other musicians, compensating with energy and stage presence (and in our case, exceptional songwriting for our age and experience), and then hone my craft further in the context of the rock combo. In point of fact, it made me a much more confident and creative musician, knowing that I didn’t have to be perfect at every note and that I could be a successful performer while still improving and developing my style.
Around these parts we talk a lot about becoming a “higher male” – getting in good shape, getting your finances and career in order, living an interesting life and otherwise becoming the man you were meant to be.
That’s all well and good, but it’s important for men to understand that they don’t need to reach some exalted plane of excellence before they can start enjoying a better life, and in particular doing better with women.
If you’re a guy who wants to do better with girls, you definitely need to examine your life and see which structural factors might be holding you back and limiting your potential. At the same time, though, you need to realize that there are guys who are shorter, uglier, fatter, poorer and less interesting than you who are getting laid, and guys who are taller, thinner, richer and cooler who aren’t.
Why this phenomenon is the case has been the subject of much Manosphere writing – there are functional factors, the guy with poorer “measurables” has better game with women face-to-face, and there are logistical factors, the paper alpha isn’t meeting enough girls or is fishing in the wrong pond or just sucks at closing.
(This SMP inversion layer exists on the female side of the ledger too, and is often the subject of hilarious catty infighting – “I can’t believe he dumped me for her, I’m way prettier!” – or epic sour grapes – “he’s only dating her ’cause she’s a total slut.”)
Some men use the “sexy ugly” guys as demotivation: “chicks always dig jerks and pick the wrong guys so why should I even try to give them what they want if they can’t see that I’m the guy they should be with?” Instead they should see the commonality and overlap and think “if they can do this so can I, regular guys can do this without needing superlative esoteric skill.” Why not you? Why not now?
Just as it’s never too late to take steps to improve something about your life, it’s never too early to start drawing benefit from your efforts. If you are sharpening your health, getting your career on the upswing, saving your money, sharpening your mind and spending time with quality people, you should feel great about yourself. You should walk with a swagger and act like you are master of the realm. Don’t cop to a false humility – you are on your way up, so act like it.
One example from my personal life is whenever I get back on a workout program I have an instant lift in my persona. Just a couple of days straight in the gym and I can see myself in the mirror getting slimmer and more toned. The chemical and psychological boosts combine to give me an infectious outward confidence, I tell people excitedly that I’m back in the weight room and feel fantastic. I don’t have to reach my goals before my workout plan yields life improvements. I don’t need to be ripped and on the back end of a two-month volume binge before I’ll allow myself to feel good about my condition.
In short, as soon as you start taking control of your life, start approaching. See if anybody wants to be part of your positive momentum (many will).
BELIEVING IN YOUR NEW REALITY IS REAL INNER GAME
If you read people who are peddling rhetoric about “inner game” (especially in contrast to the rudiments of meeting and dating women that comprise behavioral game) it’s hard not to hear the message that you need to “arrive” somehow before you can expect to succeed socially, like there’s some magical spiritual plane of peace where all the answers are revealed to your a priori.
Much inner-game discussion I’ve read actually sounds like an indirect form of “just be yourself” – don’t try to get better, don’t consider actionable behavioral changes, just try to “be confident” and do whatever comes into your head, minimize emotional disruption (which would indicate that you weren’t “authentic”) and don’t challenge yourself with situations that could push your personal growth. The thinking seems to be that strong “inner game” would make you supremely unbothered and, say, take away approach anxiety or Jedi-mind-trick the AMOGs into GTFO’ing.
One wonders what they would say if they were personal trainers – they’d probably tell you that exhaustion and soreness were the result of offending your “true physique” rather than a regular occurrence in the gym that portended improved condition and muscle growth.
I haven’t written much about “self improvement” in the abstract, and there’s a reason for it – the handful of men I’ve known personally who became addicted to self-improvement. These guys got on a trend that’s the opposite of what this post is about: they became perpetually insecure, constantly searching for a new “self-improvement” kick that would serve as a temporary pacifier to paper over whatever they didn’t like about themselves and would show other people they were fixing. Their exposure to these trends – whether they were paleo eating, crossfit, gluten-free, lifehacking – induced a carousel of unenjoyed and unremitted activity that accelerated them finding something else wrong with themselves and patching it the way that a fastidious maid finds every speck of dust across a house.
While most of my personal life is various projects of personal growth, I believe it’s got to come from a position of making yourself a more integrated man and not a sense of shameful inadequacy or thrill-seeking habit.
RIDE THE WAVE
De Tocqueville said “the most dangerous time for a society is that when it begins to reform” – uncertainty can easily give way to anarchy, and the factions that have suffered under the old regime can’t be trusted to be magnanimous (something the French found out with equal parts joy and horron in the twilight of the 18th century).
By the same token, the most thrilling time in your life is when you begin the steps of becoming the man you can be. You are flush with initial success and the anticipation of further success. You’re a guy who’s going somewhere. You shouldn’t be bashful about it, let that energy infuse people around you. (There’s some science behind this too – as you move forward in your plans, dopamine burnout will set in and the things that made you feel good about yourself will no longer do so. So ride that positive vibe while you can before you have to switch things up to refresh.)
Those who won’t resonate with you have chosen the lot of pot-crabbing haters who idolize mediocrity.
Coming back from visiting my parents for Christmas, I got talking to a woman at the bag claim carousel. (Since I started reading Roissy, I can’t see the word “carousel” without laughing out loud.) We exchanged some pleasantries and I got to thinking that she seemed very familiar somehow.
Then it hit me – two years ago, I had sat next to her on a flight to my hometown and we had chatted extensively. She opened the conversation when she saw me reading “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” (between that and the Married Man Sex Life Primer, I believe I have pioneered a subset of day game that involves reading titillating books in public). I recall finding her reasonably pretty and interesting and also getting her business card but not following up; she had no mobile number and the idea of phone-game at her business desk was not appealing.
You’re probably guessing the punchline at this point…it was difficult to recognize her as the same girl. In two years she had gone from – I use these word descriptively and not pejoratively – “curvy” to “husky,” her hair didn’t have its previous sheen, and her skin tone was considerably less healthy.
Another late-young-adult professional had started to hit The Wall.
There’s more than age to The Wall. I’m someone who thinks that an unhealthy look reflects not only unhealthy choices regarding diet and exercise, but an unhealthy overall lifestyle – stress, unrealistic aims, unfulfilling habits, poor sleep, bad personal relationships, an aggravating job situation, and more. Aging is going to happen, but it doesn’t have to run you ragged and make you unrecognizable to casual acquaintances.
I’ve seen an improved job situation dramatically boost an individual’s appearance of health and wellness.
I’ve seen even marginal increases in doing something he loves take a man’s life from mediocre to very happy, even with considerable shit in the rest of his life.
In my own life, a bit more sleep has extensive benefits for my libido, grit and mental clarity.
Relationship stress and the hunt for couplehood can be a big factor in an unhealthy psyche, particularly for women. If the constant stream of articles coming out of the Huffington Post and the Atlantic are any guide, late 20s/early 30s single women are prone to be very unhappy or at least very anxious about their nonmarried or non-relationshipped status and the dwindling number of candidates. This was wonderfully played up in a music video I discussed here. I know a number of women who definitely are not besieged by anxiety and disappointment, so it’s not an absolute, but I also know a number of women who have grown up insisting they “didn’t need a man” but now find themselves feeling lost without the stability offered by marriage and family; in reality, I don’t think this was a flip-flop of their desires as much as a subconscious expectation that marriage would always be there for the taking.
But I digress. I have no indication that this single-serving friend from baggage claim is unhappily single or otherwise concerned with her social status. But she doesn’t look good, and that tells me something’s not right in her life.
My aim here isn’t to taunt or criticize, but just to note that the changes of age can come up fast like a curving exit offramp. You let a few healthy habits slip here and there and before you know it, you’ve downshifted a point or two in SMV and with your body (and possibly your mind) settling into a middle-aged concept you’re probably not going to get it back. It changes the way you feel about yourself and changes the way people react to you. Honestly this goes for men and women.
That’s why part of your medium-term life plan should always be how to hedge against The Wall and “protect” your SMV.
The Agree and Amplify (A&A, not to be confused with AA for Approach Anxiety) is an exceptionally powerful tool of verbal banter and should be on the short list of any gamer’s travel toolbox.
A technique that has long been in vogue among sarcastics and comedians, A&A is well-described in this classic Roissy post where he subtitles it the “anti-shit test counterinsurgency.”
The idea is that when you get a shit test or other form of accusatory query, instead of pivoting away from the questioner’s frame as most guys would do, respond by “leaning in” to the punch and agreeing with the premise in an overplayed manner.
GIRL: “Why didn’t you call last night? Are you dating someone else?”
YOU: “Yep, I’ve got a harem to service. Be happy you’re in the top tier.”
GIRL: “Are you just going to sit around all day playing video games?”
YOU: “Damn straight. With enough hard work I should be able to push this to a full month.”
GIRL: “Did you miss me when I was gone?”
YOU: “Oh yeah, I wanted to kill myself.”
GIRL: “Does my butt look big?”
YOU: “Yeah, it’s huge. Just more cushion for the pushin’.”
I’ve been told by people in LTRs that A&A is as useful in a relationship as it is the first night you meet a girl. You never want to get pinned into a frame where you are defending yourself; as long as the spectre of your unworth is on her mind, the slippery slope will cut you down.
Keoni Galt (Dave from Hawai’i in this iconic Roissy post just one day after the A&A post) riffed on A&A in a post of his own and traced it to the now-defunct blog “The Reality Method” – check the Wayback Machine if you want to see the originals of some very good content.
I’ve found personally that A&A is equally effective with feminine nice girls as it is with hardened feminist girls, providing a Schroedinger-like superposition of rhetorical authority and irreverent silliness that imbues a robust imprimatur of social savvy. Master this tactic and you’ll get a lot of those textbook arm slaps that show she is tingling.
A&A is even present in one of the classic AMOG destroyer routines, ceding the group’s attention to the AMOG interrupter – “oh that’s totally cool man, why don’t you tell us all about it?” – and allowing him to “talk himself out.”
Radio host Rush Limbaugh, the most impactful broadcaster of our generation (whatever you think of his views is irrelevant to this post), has long made “illustrating absurdity by being absurd” a principle of his program. One example of this was “the Environmental Wacko method of picking NFL games” where pro football winners were predicted by subjecting the franchises to value judgments in fashion with the era’s environment consciousness movement. (In one instance the Seahawks were chosen over the Bears because the Seahawk was indisputably brilliant to force its way into the NFL despite not existing as a species.)
“Illustrating absurdity by being absurd” is a reasonable way to describe the A&A, in that it disarms another’s false contentions by taking them to their illogical conclusion.
One could probably make an argument that due to its sarcastic nature the A&A is a subset or overlap of the Cocky-Funny game style, but I’ll leave it to someone of greater philosophical interest to compare/contrast/subsume/separate them.
I noticed recently that Roosh had pulled an A&A on his site Return Of Kings by styling his post signatures as follows:
Roosh is an ugly misogynist with massive mommy issues. He created ROK in October 2012 because he has no friends. Currently he is traveling the world to have bad sex with poor girls who want to use him for an American greencard. His little penis is so ineffective at satisfying women that he has had to master the art of cunnilingus. It is absolutely certain that he will die alone in a basement alongside his massive porn collection. Sadly, his right hand is irreversibly deforming into a claw shape from excessive masturbation, causing him sharp pains when he types up one of his offensive rants. You can visit his sexist blog at RooshV.com or follow him on Twitter and Facebook.”
In case you hadn’t picked up, he’s agreeing and amplifying against a dozen boilerplate feminist critiques of game sites and male social discussion in general.
I found it all the more humorous given that Roosh had never really preached or practiced a style of verbal gamesmanship in his game writings, rather pushing the “vibe” of polished intellectual and cultural values and bold, direct writing. To see him get cheeky was thus all the funnier.
Agree and Amplify – learn it, know it, live it.