Category Archives: relationships

A Coda To Yesterday’s Holiday Post

In addition to my post about various holiday survival tactics, a commenter at Alpha Game provides the keystone:

“Top it all off by giving her a good HARD pounding after all the family leaves.”

One of the shames of the over-planned holiday season is how it can sap the libido of a couple and draw their focus completely away from one another, when after a happy Christmastime celebration is the perfect time to have a spirited lovemaking session. Any good gamesman should be arranging for big emotional events to end in epic poundings rather than feckless exhaustion.

I would add but one piece of strategic gaming to this advice: tell her that someone whose opinion she’s concerned about (her sister, or your mother, or a neighbor in attendance) said it was a fantastic party. Something, anything to make the whole thing worthwhile to her in her mind and make it OK to turn off the “Christmas party batshit crazy.”

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How The Game Saved Christmas

Merry Christmas Badger Hut readers (and Badgerettes).

Vox Day, Roissy and Athol Kay all had brilliant posts recently about surviving the machinations your woman might put you through this holiday season. For those who might be non-North American or otherwise not in the know (can’t speak to this in other countries), the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays can be times of enormous pressure and backbiting for American women – there’s a considerable cultural and media expectation that holidays be over-decoated, over-fed and over-friendlied, and that you are failing as a modern woman if you don’t measure up to the obsessive-compulsive mommy down the street who had her Christmas lights up the moment the last trick-or-treater left her porch on Halloween night. They’re fighting not only the airbrushed scenes they see on commercial TV, but also the memories of their own childhoods (and good memories tend to underrate the negatives and create un-meetable expectations by comparison).

Much of this expectation is organized around the party/dinner events on Thanksgiving and Christmas nights, but it also concerns giving and receiving gifts, managing extended-family squabbles and decorating the house. Men of good game reading this can already predict this mixture is a huge time-bomb for a relational explosion, a sort of high-stakes short-order test of a man’s domestic relationship game skills. It’s a classic instance of the wife’s priority no longer being about the marriage/family per se, and instead becoming about measuring herself against a materialistic or cultural script. Guys with “supermom” wives know how this can separate a husband and wife; the characteristic symptom is when she begins to view the husband as an annoying blocker in the middle of her plans. The solution, in short, is to view it like a supercharged fitness test she doesn’t even know she’s throwing: enforce your own frame and expectations over hers at some points, and at other points just don’t even bother getting into an argument about it.

If I had gotten the better of time, I might have posted this before the holiday when it might have been more useful to the readership; however I’m never one to let good advice go uncited.

First, Athol gives tips for the Thanksgiving dinner (which apply just as well to the Christmas meal):

once Thanksgiving was moved to our house, Jennifer has a DNA sequence that kicked in and made her totally responsible for the perfection that shall be Thanksgiving Dinner for everyone. Which is a polite way of saying she became Batshit Crazy on a short term basis related to this one meal.

Normally I advise medication or running when faced with a Batshit Crazy wife, in this case though, I recommend assistance and letting it all wash over you.

Some basic tips about the meal itself: [abridged and with comments by the Badger]

(1)  Arrange whatever seating pattern to enable both you and her to sit together, closest to the kitchen. This is so either one of you can get up and get something. Also it means you can put one hand on her thigh to direct her not to get up yet again. [also you can kino her during the meal to keep the romantic dynamic in play, and also shows that you two are a unit.]

(2)  It’s your job to Alpha her into at some point sitting the hell down and actually eating dinner. [realize that if someone doesn't give her an order she won't sit down and enjoy herself, and if you want her to keep respecting you that person had better be you and not her mother/sister/best friend.]

(4) You carve the turkey. [the man of the house carves the turkey. remember that episode of the Cosby Show when Cliff had Sondra's boyfriend Elvin cut the turkey?]

(7)  House cleaning happens the day before Thanksgiving. Direct everyone in the family to help with this. [you don't have to clean the entire house - put all the crap in a room no one is allowed to go into and lock it.]
(8)  Thanksgiving morning, the turkey goes in the oven…. and you both go get some exercise. [exercise does seem to lower the tension hormones. why not have a good romp before any guests arrive?]

(10) Before the meal. Nuts, cheese, crackers, spicy salami and shrimp. Leave it out, watch the hordes come. [and put some bottles of booze out so they can make some cocktails.]

(unnumbered) get a set of new plastic containers and just load them up with the leftovers and make sure everyone one on the way out. [brilliant!]

I also second Athol and Jennifer’s endorsement of Alton Brown’s turkey-brining method. Link is here, youtubes are here:

Vox Day on The Meal

Vox concurs with Athol’s advice to just “let her do her thing,” but for a more calculated reason in the game-theory sense:

Don’t bother offering to help with anything.  You’re not going to be able to do anything her way or to her standards.  Besides, she’s going to be judged on her performance, so even if you are a competent cook or gift wrapper, any assistance on your part will not count and thereby is rendered invalid on its face.

He then advises to take it upon yourself to do the dishes, thus relieving yourself of the burden of having to listen to half-drunken chatter amongst a captive audience as the meal winds down. Brilliant guy, that Vox.

Vox Day on Gift-Giving

The Boss of Alpha Game penned a pair of posts regarding presents as another possible fitness-test trap for men who want nothing more than to make their girl haaaappy on Christmas morning. First, he discussed a process by which women might denigrate the value of the gift they received so as to reduce the sense of obligation felt as a result of accepting the gift. Just read the whole thing here.

Allow me to riff for a moment: I’ve been working on a theory about why women hate beta-supplication game…the theory is that the totality of beta behavior triggers this uncomfortable feeling of obligation in the woman. Every favor, gift gift, dinner out, even times he forgives her for bitchy, crass or cruel behavior, inures her into a feeling she owes him something. And if there’s one thing I’ve found can kill a tingle with consistency, it’s the suggestion she owes some romantic debt (be it sex or love) to a man. (Just read the responses of women who say they want a better sex life but refuse ideas like committing themselves to say yes, or to go on a “sex streak.”) Women seem to trade in emotional currencies far more than men (who trade in rational currencies), and emotional currencies can’t be subject to obligatory reciprocity the way rational currencies can.

Additionally, gifts, favors etc signal to a woman that you think her to be high value, which she might react negatively to if she secretly believes she’s not high value. Men respond to this kind of situation with gratitude, women seem to respond to it with contempt for the giver as a rube. So you get a double-whammy of annoyance that she is under social expectation to repay the favor, and lack of respect for the gift-giver who has shown his foolishness by presuming her to be higher value than she herself believes.

Now, as to the real plan for giving gifts, Vox also cites various blue-pill cultural nonsense that has served to mislead men down the pedestalizing path for decades:

Here are several “helpful” suggestions offered by the experts on women in the mainstream media:

  • Anything that suggests that the recipient is anything less than perfect will go down worse than Frankie Boyle at a kid’s Christmas party.
  •  Never buy a woman an iron for Christmas unless you want to get hit over the head with it.
  •  Guys, this is 50 shades of WRONG. Don’t even think about it – or anything else tenuously linked to 50 Shades of Grey for that matter.
  • Nothing says “I don’t really think that much of you” quite like a handbag by ‘Louis Vilton’. If you can’t stretch to a designer bag, better to opt for the (genuine) perfume.

Translation: don’t buy a woman anything that might be sexy, affordable, useful, improving, or popular.  Only gifts that are rare, expensive, and useless will be appreciated.  Except, as we already know, buying the perfect gift is the worst thing you can possibly do since it will create an unwanted sense of obligation.

So, ignore the experts.  If she said she wanted X at some point during the year, then buy X.  Don’t overthink these things and stop striving for the nonexistent perfect gift.  Remember that presents don’t fix relationship problems.

For f&%$’s sake, especially don’t fall for those stupid jewelry ads that say “love is priceless, so you should show it by spending $1,000 or more on our product.” This is where a sort of soft-PUA approach is called for: be judicious in your gift-giving, never equate dollars spent with love expressed, seek gifts with uniqueness and emotional power that cultivate the “secret world” between lovers and not a mass-marketed consumerism, and steadfastly refused to be judged by the standards of her rat-race girlfriends. Staying low on the expense ladder also reduces the sense of obligation; if she likes the gift, it contains emotional power, which will cause her to want to reciprocate, and then it’s no longer an obligation.

If she complains about the money, she’s a brat, and you better game that shit out of her or find another woman.

Did Someone Ask For PUA Gift Tips?

Fear not, as Roissy is here to say it much better than I ever could:

One time, I recorded myself singing a song I wrote for a girl. I used a hand-held recorder, so the quality wasn’t good. You can hear a dog barking in the background and rain falling outside on the patio. We eventually broke up from intractable circumstances, but keep in friendly contact occasionally, and she tells me that to this day my recording is the only item of love she has from any man that she refuses to discard.

Cost of this gift to me: zero dollars.

Psychological value of this gift to both me and her: priceless.

Ability to leverage this gift against future girlfriends who know about it: infinity priceless.

The alpha male gifts that women love are never what Kay Jewelers, Zales or VisaMastercard tell you they are. The gifts women love the most are not those gifts that by virtue (or vice) of their cost demonstrate the extent of your beta provider resource pool. No, the gifts women love the most are those gifts that demonstrate the personality traits of the alpha male, a man with romance in his heart despite carrying the burden of multitudinous options with women in his groin.

One of the challenges of LTR/marriage life is maintaining that emotionally intense, carefree “lover” side of the lover-provider dynamic. It’s easy to get into a reciprocating-obligations gameplan where you treat each other as co-employees of a small business instead of as singular emotional fonts from which you each draw from the other’s power. If done wrong, Christmas may be the worst time of the year for this, as a holiday that is supposed to be about the love of the Good Lord for his people for so many degenerates into a insurmountable set of challenges where people as they are are discarded as cannon fodder into the fire of outsized self-destructive cultural expectations.

Hopefully the men reading this have already begun to employ these lessons in their relationships; if not, you can start getting ready early for next year.

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Exegesis on the Married Over-Sharer

Long-lost commenter NMH showed up at my recent post about a married woman unloading on me, flattering me and then musing on the elephant in the room of the couple in question’s wide age difference.

I loved the way you milked her for information. This is the Badger at his best.

8 year difference between her 33 and his 25 is usually not much in terms of looks. Wait until she hits 50 and he is 42. Disaster.

I didn’t think of it as consciously milking her for information, but NMH is right – the information flowed very easily and I played into that. One of the things I’ve found about people, and I suppose you could call this a cognitive bias, is that when someone is upset and is emotionally venting, they’ll tell you almost anything as long as you can ask for it in a smooth, non-demanding way. (This is closely related to the fact that when someone is upset, they won’t listen to logical reason nor display much empathy.) They are in an autonomous spiral where they feel comforted revealing information, whether they are compensating for guilt, loneliness or whatever. And if you’ve put yourself in a position to be the person that gives them that comfort, you have a very powerful gravitas in that person’s life.

My thinking is that her husband’s emotional energy was tied up in his own family issues, leaving her to seek someone else to comfort her. It’s not that he’s trying to ignore her, he just can’t service her emotional needs at that time, and the imperatives of marriage implore us to occasionally put our own needs on the shelf for a little while in the event that our partner really does have it worse than us for a time. Some people do this better than others, and some people just coincidentally fall into a situation where someone (ahem, me) all but volunteers to be the sink for their release.

Maybe Athol Kay will stop by and give us his opinion.

As for the age difference, that’s obviously a proxy for a bunch of sex-rank issues like declining fertility, energy difference, lifestyle compatibility and social-status dynamics. I don’t think there is any doubt they were reaching a point where she was starting to pass out of young adulthood entirely, and this was a major anxiety for her – she even said as much to me, not in so many words.

That being said, she looked excellent for a 33-year old in that environment. She was in very good shape and her skin glowed, it hadn’t been ruined by tanning, excessive drinking or stupid duckface photo poses (she also had the most precisely tailored dress pants I had ever seen, they alone hugging her thighs were a sight to behold).

This all got me thinking about why she at 30 got together with a guy who was 22 – what motivated each of them to choose the other? The manosphere is rife with the meme of late-20′s women getting anxious to lock down their beta provider before they hit “the wall,” but a 22-year old man doesn’t have a lot in the name of accumulated status or money. Especially if he’s college educated and just starting out in the real world.

This last sentence got me thinking that maybe he didn’t go to college. That would have given him opportunity cost to spend on early entrepreneurship, or working at a friend’s or family member’s small business, and come into his 20′s much wiser than your average Benjamin Braddock.

If what she told me is true and she fell in love with him during a job interview, it’s highly likely he had ample stores of good looks and natural charisma (i.e. game), attraction factors that are readily apparent on a moment’s meeting. That plus even a bit of apparent ambition can compensate for the lack of tangible paper value of a very young man. She also referenced his maturity; if he put off a fatherly vibe, that can be a very attractive alpha characteristic to the right woman, one who is seeking that kind of stability and leadership.

Now as to the guy’s choice of mate – I didn’t meet him so I really can only speculate from what she said. Clearly she chose him in some way, and so part of his choice was responding to her interest. We can’t discount the fact that (hat tip to reader Mike C) for a young guy, consistent sexual access to a woman is a big motivator in staying with her. If he’s not that interested in having kids then her fertility isn’t going to be a big concern for him. If he is the daddy type she says, he was probably more receptive than your average 22-year old to a relationship with an older woman. And let me tell you from personal experience, a young guy who is really looking for a rewarding relationship with long-term potential gets easily frustrated with women his own age.

And we might also have to think that both these people, in their own ways, were motivated (possibly too strongly) to lock it down, to secure the future before thinking hard about what it was actually going to be. She certainly gave off the airs that the whole thing wasn’t quite was she expected.

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Secret Relationships Are Hot

Last weekend I discussed a woman who had role-played an affair with her husband, assuming identities and meeting as ostensible strangers at a hotel bar. I likened it Roissy’s secret world.

Now science has proven that secret relationships are hot!

Two surveys and a laboratory experiment examined the role of secrecy in attraction to relationships. In the 1st survey, respondents reported that past relationships they currently continued to think about were more likely to have been secret than ones they no longer pondered. In the 2nd survey, those respondents who indicated that a past relationship had been secret also reported that it continued to be a target of their obsessive preoccupation. The laboratory experiment explored attraction between mixed-sex couples who were induced to play footsie under a table in the presence of another couple. When this was secret, greater attraction for the partner was reported than when it was not.

Source: “The allure of secret relationships.” from Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 66(2), Feb 1994, 287-300.

Possible corollary (not yet studied): public displays of affection can compromise your relationship by blowing its secrecy.

Put bluntly, the secret world is one of the ways to make your relationship indispensable to your partner, and it’s kinky to boot.

As the Stabilizers said in the video in my fake-affair post:

“One simple thing kept between you and me,
Will build a wall no one else can see.”

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Faking An Affair With Your Spouse For Fun And Profit

Athol Kay’s latest post counsels a couple whose work schedules make it extremely difficult to find private time together. He sums his advice up as “I’m advising you both to act like you are having an affair with each other. Find the stolen time together.”

This recalled to me Roissy’s game concept of the “secret world,” an emotional cocoon within which a man can construct a deep and exclusive connection with a woman.

A commenter identifying herself as Shannon Bradley-Colleary told the readership that she had done just that – feeling she should sublimate her latent passion for a music star to re-invigorating her own marital love life, she left a note for her husband to meet her at a hotel under an assumed identity. I clicked to her blog and found she had written a hilarious post on the “affair” called “How To Seduce Your Husband.” It is well worth reading.

The note told him to dress for-a-first-date (no orthopedic tennis shoes or white socks), to meet me in the bar at the Avalon Hotel at 8 p.m. sharp.  I wrote that we would not know one another and could not be who we truly are.  Also he should be cocky and entitled.  And if he arrived before me he was to order me a Grey Goose martini straight up with two olives.  Because that sounded like a drink Mrs. Robinson would have while smoking thin cigarettes.

Nice to see she has some awareness of what would be hot if she were to have an affair with a guy at the Avalon Hotel. Interesting how the female fantasy of meeting a guy in the night seems to involve a brash, debonair man in active seduction mode (as opposed to the more neutral and spontaneous meet-cute fantasy during the day).

But why wasn’t he looking at me?  I whistled at him.  He didn’t turn around.  WTF?  Was he deaf?  Didn’t he see me?  Waiters and busboys were falling into my cleavage never to be heard from again.  My dress skirt was so short the concierge had offered to give me a full Brazilian wax.  How could he miss me?  Would I have to whistle again?  Just put my lips together and blow?

Henry turned.  Our eyes met.  He looked at me quizzically.  Wow.  He was really going to go through with this.  My heart melted.  He approached.  “Are you Crystal?” he asked.

Crystal?  Crystal?  That’s the best he could do?  I hated that name and the bimboism it implied.  Shouldn’t we be able to pick our own names?

She’s getting attention from every guy in the room, except the one she wants attention from.

Even as a screenwriter, she had a charming difficulty keeping up the shtick:

“So Crystal,” Paul said making himself comfortable on the couch next to me, “I feel like I know you already…. from your videos.”

Turns out I was going to be a porn star.  Yes.  A porn star.  Completely ignoring Tina Fey’s advice that you should trust your partner during an improv I said, “I’m not in that business.”

“You’re not?”  Paul’s eyes began to dart about confusedly.

I realized I was about to blow this whole thing, so I backtracked.  I informed him I hadworked as an adult performer in my misspent youth, however, I’d been such a classy, intellectual porn star whose demographic was college-educated women who preferred erotica to misogynistic wham-bam-thank-you-ma’ams that I’d been able to create my own brand, turn it into a thriving production company that raked in so much money that I was able to retire early to Tampa, Florida (just pulled that one out of my apparently well-known ass) where I owned several properties including a baseball team.

Better than a secretly-wealthy-handyman story.

Paul had been born in Portland, Maine apparently, but his father was a blimp operator so they moved around a lot.  In fact, his father piloted the first ever Goodyear blimp all over the country.  Unfortunately Paul’s mother found out that his father had a girl in every Blimp port.  They were known as “Blimpees.”…I had two sons from a high school relationship with a drug dealer.  My boys thought I was their wicked, fallen, older sister.

In a predictable but exciting example of commitment psychology, they started to fill out the roles they’d created for themselves:

After a while a Henry and I became Paul and Crystal.  We saw each other differently.  We smiled at each other differently.  I laughed at all of his jokes and didn’t reprimand him for eating mashed potatoes that would just add to the belly fat that was a widow-maker.  When we touched across the restaurant table it felt as though we were touching for the first time.  It was electric.

I think the best thing it did for me was allow me a certain distance with which to observe the man who is my husband.  I remembered why I’d thought he was so adorable in the first place.  I saw him through fresh eyes.

One way to look at this is that they are relating as lovers (people interested in each other), not as spouses (people bonded by mutual obligations). They are making an effort to be interesting to each other.

Her comment at MMSL fills in the ending:

“I can tell you this…the date ended in the back of our minivan parked on South Beverly. It was sublime.”

I had to get a cold glass of water after reading it.

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An Elder’s Wisdom on Mediocrity and Marriage

The always-insightful Brendan has stepped back from the Manosphere, but occasionally returns to comment on threads. He graced a recent discussion at Dalrock’s place with his inimitable, straightforward brilliance.

In response to a reader who noted that all married men at recent social events had strongly suggested he not marry, I commented thusly:

Buck’s comment is what concerns me whenever I think about the overall marital marketplace. I am guessing marriage follows a 20-60-20 distribution – about 20% are happy, 60% mediocre, and 20% absolutely miserable.

Brendan then weighed in (the remainder of the post is his words).

“I think that’s about right, but that there is fluidity between those bands and also some variety within them, especially in the middle one. That is, marriages can, and do, migrate from happy to mediocre and then possibly stay there or migrate back to happy or deteriorate further into miserable. Some marriages are mediocre from the beginning, too.

Whether they last has more to do with the personalities involved (especially of the woman), expectations and values.

Certain personas are less tolerant of mediocrity than others, even if there are some real benefits to the marriage, and will simply not be able to tolerate that situation long-term. Sometimes this is innate (think of the person who has to spend five minutes explaining to the waiter precisely how he/she wants the meal prepared or who routinely sends food back and so on), and sometimes it is egged-on (as Dalrock talks about here, as an aspect of choice addiction), but when it is present it tends to undermine the ability to tolerate a mediocre situation for anything longer than a relatively short period of time.

Expectations play a significant role, too. If you have very high expectations for the “fun” and “happy” aspects of marriage, and yours doesn’t satisfy those, dissatisfaction goes through the roof very quickly. This is, I think, a challenge for many couples today, precisely because expectations are so very high, and people generally plan to have “all their ducks in a row” before they get married — meaning that if expectations are not satisfied durably once the work and effort of getting said ducks in a row has been done, exit visas may be sought out relatively quickly to replace the situation with one that satisfies expectations and “justifies” the effort of getting said ducks in a row.

And, of course, values play a role, but probably the least significant one. Values are easily over-ridden by a rationalization hamster working for a mediocrity-intolerant persona or a person who has had his/her expectations dashed, regardless of “values”. Someone who is fundamentally dissatisfied and less mediocrity tolerant will have a much harder time sticking to their values than someone who is more “easy-going” (for lack of a better word) or more realistic in expectations will.

There are men and women on both sides of these spectra, but in my own experience, women are, very generally, the ones with the higher expectations in marriages *and* often the ones who are less mediocrity tolerant than men are. These dynamics tend to make women unhappy in the marriages *first*, before their husbands are — because their husbands are more tolerant of mediocrity and/or had different expectations going in. What happens next, of course, depends on the dynamics of the situation and the people involved, but generally once that wifely unhappiness is expressed, men tend to start getting unhappy. Sometimes this leads tro cheating. Sometimes it leads to divorce. And sometimes it leads to a kind of marital stalemate — i.e., a long-term low mediocre or poor marriage that people stay in because of values or kids or other circumstances. It very much varies in terms of the result. But the key, it seems to me, is avoiding certain personality types and certain expectation horizons when you are entering marriage, because these are the kinds of things that can lead to unhappiness very quickly in a life that is, by definition, going to be characterized by a good deal of routine and, yes, mediocrity.”

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Dear Badger: Is He Falling For Me?

Guarded writes:

Hi All ,
My question is about my current BF of 5 months. We get along great we actually met in H.S reconnected 8 months ago. He tells me that I drive him crazy , he was fascinated by me..He can’t keep his hands off of me cuddling or sexual. He’s a type of guy who keeps giving he doesn’t get jealous at all, and only has been in love once in his life out of 13 relationships. He told me he really really likes me more.than what I know he wants to keep me happy & loves to cuddle..etc my question is could he be falling for me and I don’t realize it? All his friends know of me and I noticed his eyes twinkle when he kisses me. We have so much on common its ridiculous is this a bad thing? I guess I’m very curious but I will.not ask him because I don’t want to scare him I’m enjoying our casual relationship , because I feel so lucky to be with such a great guy. Any advice ? Thanks Very Guarded..

It sounds like he has fallen for you, and you do realize it. If he’s had 13 mostly-loveless “relationships” and he’s been seeing you for five months and telling you he is really into you, that’s practically a marathon and a huge positive sign. The only caveat would be if this is an act; I wouldn’t suspect it unless he had a history as a player or something like that. Most guys don’t talk about their emotions with girls unless they are really strong, and the number of guys who are sociopathic and can manipulate a woman’s emotions with their own is very small. The safe bet is that he’s quite smitten.

I will.not ask him because I don’t want to scare him I’m enjoying our casual relationship , because I feel so lucky to be with such a great guy.

You’ve asked if he wants something more. The thing I’m not seeing in your letter is whether you want something more. Maybe you do and you are afraid to say it, even to a blogger. Or maybe you don’t – despite cultural tropes, not all women are desperately praying to get into a long-term relationship, and because of cultural pressures they are loath to admit they don’t want what society tells them they should want. Or maybe you don’t because you fear that an overt “commitment” will kill the spontaneous, mirthful vibe you guys have (this is one of the legitimate gripes of men with regard to relationships and marriage).

There’s this thing that came up in popular culture called the “DTR talk”: Define The Relationship. It’s an absolutely essential part of any modern relationship experience – even if neither of you are actively seeing other people, neither side can or should assume they are exclusive until they’ve had the talk. Your anxiety is not atypical among young women, they are unnerved about pushing the issue for fear of making the guy feel boxed in or put upon.

But here’s the rub – if you don’t bring it up, it may never get discussed. Many guys have been burned by asking for commitment too early and looking needy, which drives women away, and there’s a subtle stripe of machismo in American culture that discourages and looks down on men who want relationships (which balances cultural pressures for women to seek “commitment.”)

There are a lot of cases where both sides want to have the relationship, but the girl doesn’t want to ask because she’s afraid of scaring him off, and the guy doesn’t want to ask because he’s afraid she’ll take him for needy or weak. And bizarrely, some of these couples split up even though they both want to stay together, because neither side wants to take the risk of capitulating by bringing it up.

In your case, the signs are positive – he’s not hiding you, he’s been open about his emotions, he obviously likes you. I would be surprised if he gave you some kind of “I’m just having fun/I’m not looking for anything serious” kind of response.

So you need to figure out what you want. If you are cool with having a “fling” – an intense, limerant relationship experience without any real stated expectation of long-term growth – that’s just fine. If you want to make a go at a long-term thing, that’s fine too, and you shouldn’t feel wrong in asking for it. But in any case, be honest with him about it. If you want to have a fling, and he wants an LTR, don’t try to “fake it till you make it.” You’ will break his heart, and he’ll be angry with you for what he’ll perceive as you leading him on.

We have so much on common its ridiculous is this a bad thing?

No, not at all. Not to say that opposites can’t attract either, but commonalities give a couple a shortcut to building a relationship foundation. The only problem can be if you are too much alike; in that case, one of you is redundant.

SHUTTER, DON’T FLUTTER YOUR EYELIDS

I can’t finish without commenting on this:

All his friends know of me and I noticed his eyes twinkle when he kisses me.

There’s an old line that you should never trust anyone who kisses with their eyes open – the joke being that you can’t tell if your partner’s eyes are open unless yours are too. :-o

I will say that one of my favorite experiences in the early dating process is giving a lady a nice deep kiss, then pulling away and opening my eyes to see hers still closed, with an open-mouthed halo of joy emanating from her face.

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