Much mirth was had when Tinderfessions went live on Twitter in March. The site tinderfessions.com collects testimonials from Tinder users and posts them to the Tinderfessions account on Twitter. (Hat tip to Heartiste for pointing it out to me; CH had a reader call it “the global march of absolute sexual anarchy.”)
Browsing the narratives casually, I was struck by one note of complaint:
Saying you’ll make sure I’ll have a good time, means you have a small dick and are a tryer. Fuck off mate. – Hannah
— Tinderfessions (@tinderfessions) March 31, 2014
This is the outgrowth and the logical conclusion of the “just get it” movement – to wit, “women despise a man who needs to be told to be dominant.” Or to be anything, really. Or who gets spotted trying to be anything. The man who shows these kinds of women any concern at all, any desire to see her happy or to deliver her pleasure, gets the scarlet β sewn to his hairshirt before he’s paraded around the Tinderfessions as a lesser being.
In one frame, this isn’t much different than standard dating advice. It’s easy to observe that most women don’t care to be doted on, and the impression that the guy is not laying out the red carpet for the girl but is rather simply out having a good time and has invited her into his fun is integral to the success of the date.
The old-school PUAs had a lot of invective against “supplication” – begging or transacting for a woman’s approval – and this good lesson has been reiterated across the years. But today’s beta detectors are set to such high sensitivities that any concern for the woman at all is seen as supplication, as an unacceptable abdication of a Real Man’s proper self-concern. This is the “Girls” world that young men are living in; these uptight Bohemians want to be pounded by guys who don’t give a shit and they don’t even pretend to deliver paeons to the beta-nice-guy types that they will come back to their position on the buffet table later.
I’m not an analyst but it’s not hard to see this partially as a twisted self-protection measure. For all their chatter about self-esteem, these women are possessed of a vapid and amorphous insecurity that motivates a complete avoidance of intimacy and emotional contact for the purpose of incubating their own emotional immaturity. The dude can’t care, because if the dude cares, then they might feel obligated to care as well, and they can’t have that.
Don’t get me wrong; the “chicks dig jerks” phenomenon is blasé for me by now. I understand its mechanics and motivations, and I’ve come to understand how simple it can be to accumulate some “badass points” and grab a piece of that particular peach pie. I don’t intend to rehash it.
This Tinderfession, however, is something else entirely; this is a psychosis built of distrust and self-hatred. These gals are like dudes who are into the Hot Wife fantasy – their sexual cognition elements are busted, and sex plays out in a objectified and symbolic melodrama rather than a relation between two people.
SHOW DON’T TELL
One interesting thing to consider is if a dude did the opposite behavior – said on his Tinder profile “I don’t care if you have a good time.” Would he get fluttering excitement in response instead of snarling contempt?
I can’t read minds, but probably not.
History shows that a man’s statements of insouciance are rarely effective in promoting the tingles. Rather, it is the actions that display the lack of concern that arouse his quarry. As Roissy says, the key to that lock is being an “uncaring asshole” rather than a caring one – to leverage one’s indifference rather than one’s indolence.
Consider telling your woman that you have options and that she should consider that before she steps outside the appropriate relationship boundaries. Then consider going out with her and chatting with other women and not hiding the fact that other girls are into you, and if you had to get rid of her (or she got rid of you), you wouldn’t have much trouble lining up a replacement. It doesn’t take a lot of experience to know that the latter behavior will better communicate your position.
Likewise, the thrill of a romp with a dominant man is not in his platitudes that he’s not a “tryer;” the thrill is in her experiencing firsthand him putting his own pleasure first. That he’s relegated hers to an afterthought is not the fulfillment of a contractual guarantee but a byproduct of the dominance and self-centeredness that themselves are attractive and arousing to her.
I don’t like to do a lot of bitching about feminism, but there’s an important context to men saying “I’ll make sure you’ll have a good time.” That context is two generations of intense shaming of men as not caring or sensitive enough; 40 years of being told they shouldn’t act like they’re the only one in the bedroom; that if they try harder to get their women off they’ll be rewarded with more enthusiastic lovers and happier wives. Where does this indoctrination get the rehabilitated man, the guy who recoils in horror at the idea of the selfish penis and commits himself to being different than all those other lazy selfish guys?
It gets him on the back end of a nasty Tinderfession from a bird who wants to be treated as an accessory to the man’s pleasure. It’s a great time to be alive.