Roissy posted this morning on dominance. I’ve obviously done a lot of thinking on the matter, and have found that this passage doesn’t resonate with me:
Men feel powerful lust from dominating attractive women, the same lust women feel from submitting to the domination of powerful men.
I’m saying this because I want other guys to know it’s OK, but I don’t get any intrinsic “powerful lust” from sexually dominant behavior. Maybe it’s my rearing, maybe it’s my natural personality. I enjoy leadership, in a secular sense; I enjoy leading a project or a group of friends or coaching a team. What I don’t get is an extra sexual kick in the bedroom. It doesn’t really arouse me.
One complaint I here from many of my lovers, both past and present, is that so many guys today are such pussies. They are too sensitive, too concerned about not upsetting a girl, about being correct in all they do, about not violating some unknown doctrine of feminism.
I DO get a kick out of the woman enjoying the experience. Maybe that’s beta. Shoot me. But the key is, I recognize that “enjoying the experience” doesn’t always mean soft candlelight and gentle lovemaking; there are much more energetic fantasy performances to be had. Guys need to know this, and to develop a diverse sexual toolbox. I realized early in my game studies that most women really DO dig being sexually dominated in one sense or another, and so I have embraced romantic dominance behaviors. Fortunately, it’s come very easily to me as I am big, athletic, decisive and goal-oriented.
I have friends who do get that arousal; some of them cross over into sadistic traits. I’m no bottom, but it’s just not me.
A SPRINKLE IS OFTEN ENOUGH OF THE SPICE
A note about execution: it’s my experience-plus-conjecture that MOST women need a bit of dominance, and some women need a LOT of it. That means that you can go far in the dominance game without having to go full-bore. In particular, giving a firm impression that you COULD be a total dominating badass is often enough to get their juices humming, without needing waivers or safewords or a talk about her daddy.
Athol Kay gave me the idea of “simulating” BDSM by having a woman hold a towel with both hands (perhaps weaved through the headboard). I’ve adapted that by tying a woman’s wrist to my nightstand with an elastic scarf, or with a tie leaving plenty of give. Absolutely nothing dangerous about it, she can easily shift position to untie herself and has her other hand free to boot. But it gives enough reality to her fantasy that her mind can do the rest.
Another thing I have found effective is to grasp her hair at the base of the roots, not pulling or twisting, just letting her know that I could be in total control if I wanted to. (I don’t really want to, but she doesn’t need to know that.)
WHAT IS DOMINANCE?
It’s easy for women to get twisted up in hamsterbation when the topic of dominance comes up. The first things that happens is a control-frek strawman warning about “you can’t just boss your woman around the house.” Then come anecdotes about their experiences with insecure guys who would snoop on them, insisted on paying for dates, and other behaviors that passive-aggressively created uncomfortable senses of obligation. Next are anecdotes about how they really liked it when a guy did this or that dominant thing that depended on him being clairvoyant and picking the thing that she really wanted him to do.
When the smoke clears, the definition of dominance has morphed into a solipsistic, female-imperative-centric expression of a woman’s own self-interest expressed through the social labor of a man. In other words, “it only counts as dominance if it’s what I want to do, or what I want him to do.” A man leading a woman to what she doesn’t want is intellectually frowned upon and viscerally feared, as she asserts the right to have the man do what she wants but to give her impression that he thought it up himself. My travails at Married Man Sex Life and other sites with a mixed audience have led me to a somewhat degenerate conclusion – dominance contains the fundamental element that you are doing, on your own initiative, what she wants done (whether that’s sexual in nature, domestic, or some other form of behavior.)
In effect, it becomes “dominance is when the guy does something that I want to do but am too lazy to do myself.”
(As a universal anecdote: even with an advanced understanding of game and gender psychology, I still find downright ludicrous the phenomenon that women are driven crazy by a man being unable to assert an answer to “where should we go for dinner.” It’s like it’s some character flaw reflecting a deep-seated male brokenness that he has more important things to worry about. Blowing up your relationship because you don’t want to pick what you want to eat is a first-class First World Problem and a sign that you are way too coddled in your overly-comfortable life.)
Like anything produced by the rationalization hamster, this riff on dominance is full of contradiction and so caveated as to be practically useless. Dominance is not “doing what a woman wants before she asks you to.” A dominant attitude and behavior reflects a man who is conscious of his own power and status, who is comfortable in owning his world, and has the balls to assert what he wants and needs (the phrase in sales is “ask for the money”), not a guy who is wrapped up with concern about how to predict what she wants before she has to verbalize it so he can get the Mind-Reader Of The Year award.
Now go out there and be your own man.