On The Joys Of Dominance

Roissy posted this morning on dominance. I’ve obviously done a lot of thinking on the matter, and have found that this passage doesn’t resonate with me:

Men feel powerful lust from dominating attractive women, the same lust women feel from submitting to the domination of powerful men.

I’m saying this because I want other guys to know it’s OK, but I don’t get any intrinsic “powerful lust” from sexually dominant behavior. Maybe it’s my rearing, maybe it’s my natural personality. I enjoy leadership, in a secular sense; I enjoy leading a project or a group of friends or coaching a team. What I don’t get is an extra sexual kick in the bedroom. It doesn’t really arouse me.

I enjoy dominance in the sense that it gets women more into it, which has payoffs to me. Says RacerX:

One complaint I here from many of my lovers, both past and present, is that so many guys today are such pussies. They are too sensitive, too concerned about not upsetting a girl, about being correct in all they do, about not violating some unknown doctrine of feminism.

I DO get a kick out of the woman enjoying the experience. Maybe that’s beta. Shoot me. But the key is, I recognize that “enjoying the experience” doesn’t always mean soft candlelight and gentle lovemaking; there are much more energetic fantasy performances to be had. Guys need to know this, and to develop a diverse sexual toolbox. I realized early in my game studies that most women really DO dig being sexually dominated in one sense or another, and so I have embraced romantic dominance behaviors. Fortunately, it’s come very easily to me as I am big, athletic, decisive and goal-oriented.

I have friends who do get that arousal; some of them cross over into sadistic traits. I’m no bottom, but it’s just not me.

A SPRINKLE IS OFTEN ENOUGH OF THE SPICE

A note about execution: it’s my experience-plus-conjecture that MOST women need a bit of dominance, and some women need a LOT of it. That means that you can go far in the dominance game without having to go full-bore. In particular, giving a firm impression that you COULD be a total dominating badass is often enough to get their juices humming, without needing waivers or safewords or a talk about her daddy.

Athol Kay gave me the idea of “simulating” BDSM by having a woman hold a towel with both hands (perhaps weaved through the headboard). I’ve adapted that by tying a woman’s wrist to my nightstand with an elastic scarf, or with a tie leaving plenty of give. Absolutely nothing dangerous about it, she can easily shift position to untie herself and has her other hand free to boot. But it gives enough reality to her fantasy that her mind can do the rest.

Another thing I have found effective is to grasp her hair at the base of the roots, not pulling or twisting, just letting her know that I could be in total control if I wanted to. (I don’t really want to, but she doesn’t need to know that.)

WHAT IS DOMINANCE?

It’s easy for women to get twisted up in hamsterbation when the topic of dominance comes up. The first things that happens is a control-frek strawman warning about “you can’t just boss your woman around the house.” Then come anecdotes about their experiences with insecure guys who would snoop on them, insisted on paying for dates, and other behaviors that passive-aggressively created uncomfortable senses of obligation. Next are anecdotes about how they really liked it when a guy did this or that dominant thing that depended on him being clairvoyant and picking the thing that she really wanted him to do.

When the smoke clears, the definition of dominance has morphed into a solipsistic, female-imperative-centric expression of a woman’s own self-interest expressed through the social labor of a man. In other words, “it only counts as dominance if it’s what I want to do, or what I want him to do.” A man leading a woman to what she doesn’t want is intellectually frowned upon and viscerally feared, as she asserts the right to have the man do what she wants but to give her impression that he thought it up himself. My travails at Married Man Sex Life and other sites with a mixed audience have led me to a somewhat degenerate conclusion – dominance contains the fundamental element that you are doing, on your own initiative, what she wants done (whether that’s sexual in nature, domestic, or some other form of behavior.)

In effect, it becomes “dominance is when the guy does something that I want to do but am too lazy to do myself.”

(As a universal anecdote: even with an advanced understanding of game and gender psychology, I still find downright ludicrous the phenomenon that women are driven crazy by a man being unable to assert an answer to “where should we go for dinner.” It’s like it’s some character flaw reflecting a deep-seated male brokenness that he has more important things to worry about. Blowing up your relationship because you don’t want to pick what you want to eat is a first-class First World Problem and a sign that you are way too coddled in your overly-comfortable life.)

Like anything produced by the rationalization hamster, this riff on dominance is full of contradiction and so caveated as to be practically useless. Dominance is not “doing what a woman wants before she asks you to.” A dominant attitude and behavior reflects a man who is conscious of his own power and status, who is comfortable in owning his world, and has the balls to assert what he wants and needs (the phrase in sales is “ask for the money”), not a guy who is wrapped up with concern about how to predict what she wants before she has to verbalize it so he can get the Mind-Reader Of The Year award.

Now go out there and be your own man.

20 Comments

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20 responses to “On The Joys Of Dominance

  1. Excellent observation, Badger.

    Most men screw up the dominance thing because they mistake “what does she want me to do?” for “What needs to be done?”. And then they let the fear of getting the answer to (a) wrong when they really need the answer to (b), and if (a)’s wrong so fucking what?

    Forget what she wants. Forget you “want”. Act on what you need and what needs to get done, and in the process her needs will likely be met in the process. You can’t be dominant if you are constantly putting her needs and wants ahead of what actually needs to be done — in your opinion.

    Of course, this is from an Old Married Guy who’s had plenty of practice being dominant. If y’all need some good lessons, take a look at how Ed Deline acts in the first two seasons of Vegas. Pure dominant Alpha.

  2. Angeline

    I would like to give kudos for “hamsturbation” LOL

  3. Excellent.

    It has been said that when a modern empowwwwred women says she wants a man as a leader, what she is actually asking for is a helmsman and chief engineer.

    So while hubby gives a cosmetic appearance of activity and dominance, Captain Woman sits quietly on the bridge, ready to disapprove or countermand at her will. Do not mistake the lack of exercised power as an indication of a lack of actual power.

    After all, mafia dons usually let the henchmen do the beating up of their enemies.

  4. ScottH

    “Next are anecdotes about how they really liked it when a guy did this or that dominant thing that depended on him being clairvoyant and picking the thing that she really wanted him to do.”

    Yesterday Rollo wrote a great post explaining this: http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/just-get-it/

    “…a cardinal truth of the universe is that genuine desire cannot be negotiated. The moment you tell your wife, your girlfriend, that you will exchange a behavior or attitude or belief or any other compromise for her desire you fundamentally change her organic desire into obligation. What she wants, what her hypergamy wants confirmation of, can never be explicated, it can only be demonstrated. If her desire is for you to be more dominant, her telling you to be so negates the genuineness and the validity of your becoming so.”

  5. It took me a while to start enjoying the sexual dominance for it’s own sake. It will come in time.

  6. Verite

    I think that women, such as myself, who enjoy being sexually dominated (I’m not refering to bdsm. I mean a raw display of strength, power, overwhelming desire, and masculinity) want it because what is being implied is “I am so strong and powerful I could easily hurt you if I wanted to. But I care about you too much to ever do such a thing.” That combination of raw masculine strength mixed with tender feelings (whether those feelings truly exist or not) is utterly intoxicating. I have had some phenomenal lovers, but the best sex I have ever had, far beyond measure, was with a man who did exactly this.

  7. Infantry

    Great post.

    In effect, it becomes “dominance is when the guy does something that I want to do but am too lazy to do myself.”

    Yes, ‘Topping from the Bottom’.

    <even with an advanced understanding of game and gender psychology, I still find downright ludicrous the phenomenon that women are driven crazy by a man being unable to assert an answer to “where should we go for dinner.”

    You’re not alone. It drives me nuts, but like other things we just have to accept it like a caveman accepts that the sun rises in the East. I don’t really know why, but its like a law of the universe.

    Making the decision is more important than the choice. Girls are comforted when their man acts with certainty. A man who is decisive shows that women can trust him to act during a crisis when she may have her own ability to act compromised.

  8. Guestopher

    Hand on the throat; no pressure. If she swats it away or moves then that’s it. If she doesn’t move it then just keep it there and maybe apply a little more pressure. Next time start with more pressure and escalate each time until you find the limit (the limit for that night anyway).

    I was really disappointed to go to a kink seminar and have doms and subs tell me that technique isn’t OK and that everything needs to be verbally negotiated. I might have believed them had I not known about Game and if a lover hadn’t placed my hand on her throat after I tested this on her only a few nights before.

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  10. WhatsNew

    [Hand on the throat; no pressure. If she swats it away or moves
    then that’s it. If she doesn’t move it then just keep it there
    and maybe apply a little more pressure.]

    That can result in many (not necessarily) most women in raging
    infatuation, if this confession and comment are true:

    http://confessions.nerve.com/confessions/view/143993
    [I was shocked at how quickly one tug of my hair changed my mind
    about you. Pull my hair and put a hand on my throat and I'm in
    love CAN RELATE (8) CAN'T RELATE (5)

    wish I could click relate more than just once. God, I agree.]

  11. Candide

    Don’t do the hand on the throat if you plan to dump the girl. I still can’t quite fully get rid of one after 3 years.

  12. WhatsNew

    [dominance contains the fundamental element that you are doing,
    on your own initiative, what she wants done (whether that’s
    sexual in nature, domestic, or some other form of behavior.)

    In effect, it becomes “dominance is when the guy does something
    that I want to do but am too lazy to do myself.”]

    I have come to conclusion that charisma is not that of the
    socially or otherwise dominant male.

    Here “dominance” is being a benevolent leader like her DADDY.

    When a girl is 14 her fantasy DADDY is the most leading and
    desirable man she can imagine:

    - He always know what to do, and organizes her life around that.
    - When he tells her what to do, it is for her own good because
    he loves her.
    - When she is stroppy he reacts calmly and tells her to do what
    he said.
    - She does not take much notice of her because he has much
    better options (her mommy).
    - Her biggest dream is to find a man just like him, only he
    fucks her too.

    Well, guess what, game is in essence a way to simulate being her
    DADDY (or her fantasy DADDY).

  13. WhatsNew

    [(As a universal anecdote: even with an advanced understanding of game and gender psychology, I still find downright ludicrous the phenomenon that women are driven crazy by a man being unable to assert an answer to “where should we go for dinner.]

    Her DADDY would not ask where she wants to go for dinner, because she is a little girl, he would know, and would choose a place she likes because he knows what his little girl likes.

    Ultimately the best summary is this fabulous post from a thread on another blog:

    [Jabberwocky August 24, 2010 at 07:09

    As a happily married man I find it ironic that in order to make sure my wife cares about me, I have to insure that I don’t care too much about her.

    Her emotions are all over the place and don’t necessarily reflect anything of actual significance. I have to detach myself from her emotionally so that I can always maintain the appropriate frame.

    No matter what is going on I have to act like I’m above it, that her mortal concerns are of no real interest to the god that I am. Don’t get me wrong. I tell her things that make her feel better, or if she is acting out against me, that shut her up, but I do it in an emotionally detached, almost clinical way.

    I feel more like her life coach than an equal partner. It is what it is.]

    To me this reads that to make her happy he has to behave like a detached, leading, but benevolent FANTASY DADDY to his wife.

    My impression is that most women trade fantasy daddy impersonation with sex, which they think is an awesome win-win because of course their biggest dream is to have sex with their fantasy daddy.

  14. Maggie

    Veritas-

    Agreed. I think the “some” women who need a lot of dominance need it because of the physical sensation or the tiny bit of fear, but the “most” women who just want some dominance want it for what you described. That and because some dominant acts also imply that his desire for her is so great he can’t help himself.

  15. FFY

    I’m with Athol on this one.

    Once you unleash the beast in bed it does become quite enjoyable. And that objection you are waiting for from her never comes, instead she wants it harder and harder and more physical.

    It still surprises me on occasion how rough and nasty most girls want it, and I’ve come to embrace it, acting out on primal urges that lay hidden behind the veneer we put up for society.

  16. My experiences with women have led to one conclusion: if a woman trusts you enough to let herself be alone with you, you can do anything to her short of using a closed fist and she will enjoy it. I’ve known guys who haven’t had indoor sex since their teens, guys who slap and choke, guys who have had threesomes with every girlfriend they’ve ever had (yes, even among the spindly geeks), etc. The main thread? They all had the same idea; if she’s into you, she’ll do anything.

    Not even three days ago, I spent a leisurely 30 minutes fingering and receiving head from an age-revalued HB7 in a public park. She wanted to reschedule, I insisted that she stick to her word and show up at sunset. She wanted to wear pants, I told her to wear a skirt. She wanted to sit someplace public, I led her to a copse. She wanted me to keep my hands under her shirt, I had that shirt off in a couple of minutes. She wanted me to keep my hands over her panties, I reminded her that panties were a no-no (she took them off herself.) She didn’t want to go too far, I fingered her until she slipped herself as far down my fingers as possible. She said she didn’t give head, she pulled my cocks out and started sucking it as soon as my fingers made her wet. We were interrupted by people on three occasions. The first time, she covered herself up. The second time, she wouldn’t remove my fingers from herself. The third time (when it was a middle aged man, walking along by himself), I told her to let him watch. She did.

    Sometimes, my older relatives tell me to find a “good girl”. I tell them, “I’ve been looking, I just can’t find one.”, then change the subject.

  17. i’ve always said most guys fuck up by not learning/knowing the difference between dominant and decisive, and being dictatorial.

    dictatorial NEVER works. the former….ALWAYS

  18. Maxine

    As a woman, I’m not totally sure I understand the whole fantasy daddy thing some women apparently want. I think sexual dissatisfaction comes out of partners who just can’t communicate well and a lack of maturity.

    I would never get mad at a guy for not choosing a restaurant. God knows I don’t always know where the hell I want to eat. But when I do know, I say it. As does my boyfriend. I can’t even begin to think why that would be a big deal to anybody. Ever.

    In bed I find we often switch up roles. I get turned on when he’s dominant but I also get turned on when he’s comfortable enough to just let go, and let me take the reigns, so to speak. I honestly like both. I can’t speak for other women but for me personally the best relationship and the best sex of my life has been with someone I consider my equal. We do not power play for sex. We tease each other a lot and tend to be on the same page when it comes to getting it on. There’s a lot to be said for chemistry.

    The worst sexual relationships I’ve had are with men who are only dominant or only submissive. To me both extremes express a lack of depth and creativity in bed, and I guess a level of unpredictability and a constant push and pull for equilibrium is fun. The chase is never over that way. :)

  19. Another excellent post Badger.

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