With Regard To A Woman’s “B*tch Shield” And Why Nurturing Is A Commitment-Boner Trigger

The “bitch shield” (or “protection shield” in disarmed parlance) is a celebrated PUA concept that women will deploy “false” distasteful personalities in public to deflect male attention. The basic idea was that certain women get hit on so much that they couldn’t be expected to be pleasant in public. In a roundabout kind of way, the idea seeks to rationalize poor female behavior as the result of bad game – as a sort of motivation for men to up their game, essentially promising that a suitably-attractive and well-gamed man will be able to get the icy queen to smile and supplicate to him.

The critics of game have long argued “why would you want to be with a woman who was susceptible to game anyway?” It’s generally a silly concern and a fallacy because most women want and respond well to some combination of confident frame, emotional connection and sound sexual escalation. However, in this case the critics have a point – what do you want with a woman who didn’t just reject you when you weren’t good enough for her, she blew you out with no remorse? We’ll discuss the long-term implications of this phenomenon in a bit.

The “bitch shield” idea recognizes a real phenomenon, that of women treating men “below them” like crap and treating men “above them” like princes. This is not a universal feature of womanhood, but it’s a common enough experience for men that anticipating and fearing it becomes a regular part of male life. When you add the distasteful behavior to the fact that a lot of women are prone to over-value themselves in the sexual marketplace, you’ve got a two-dimensional problem.

The now-defunct blogger Cless Alvein had an excellent post on this issue, making his point by analogizing a hot girl to a rich man:

Let’s go further and assume that you’re of average means, and that this guy has just treated you like dirt. Understandably, you dislike him. One of his friends excuses his behavior. “He’s not really such a bad guy. The obnoxiousness is just an act. That’s just his rich shield. If you can prove your status to him, he’s actually a decent guy.” How would you respond?

If you’re like me, your response would be something like the following: “What? I have to prove my status to this prick? No thanks. ‘Rich shield’ or none, he’s shown himself to be an unlikeable asshole.”

In other words, if she thinks she can treat men like crap if they don’t meet her standards of attractiveness, she isn’t putting on a false front – she’s just a distasteful person, full stop.

Whatever we can say about the morality of the bitch shield, the reality is that it exists in many of today’s women. Women who argue against men using some form of game often threaten men directly with the spectre of bitchy treatment, as in: “If a guy used those creepy pickup techniques on me, I’d slap him/throw my drink at him/insult him/etc.” But the reality is that a gameless man is at much higher risk of being on the receiving end of bitchy behavior, as he offends the female sensibilities in his earnest but highly misguided quest to “just be himself.” And women, running their rationalization hamsters hard to convince everyone they would never fall for game, vastly overestimate the degree to which women can recognize and confront game-aware men in the field.

Women say they have to deploy a surly personality because they get hit on too much, or hit on “by the wrong guys” (which is itself synonymous with a girl’s concept of “getting hit on.”) Girls: if you have to utilize a regular “bitch shield,” one of two things is going on.

  • You’re spending more time than the patience of your personality allows in places where people are expected to socialize more than you want to (solution: stop going places where you’re going to get hit on at all)
  • You’re spending too much time in environments with people who are sexually incompatible with you (whether above, below or outside your target zone)

The shield winds up being self-defeating. If you are distasteful in public and issue pyrotechnic rejections, only the most confident and ballsy men will dare approach you, and those guys have probably noticed your attitude anyway and slotted you squarely onto the casual-only Ladder 2. Let’s talk about this in more detail.

THE SHIELD OVER THE LONG TERM

A woman who feels justified in deploying the bitch shield poses a serious structural problem for a long-term relationship. No matter how much game a guy employs, he can’t be the alpha-make BMOC all the time. That means there will be some point where he falls below her attraction line of demarcation.

If the woman has shown a willingness to dismiss and belittle inferior suitors, that means there’s a real danger I’LL wind up dismissed and belittled if I break out of whatever expectations she has – if I suddenly become not successful enough, put on a few pounds, don’t read the right books, watch the wrong movies, or God forbid don’t feel like going to Sunday brunch.

Some might spin this as a good thing, in that the man is getting a clear signal that he’s not up to snuff and can correct on it quickly. But this is a hollow comfort – the point of a man’s existence is not to please a woman, and a woman who becomes exceedingly unpleasant at the first signs of dipping value in her man is not one who’s fit for investment in today’s relationship climate.

That’s not to say a normally-pleasant woman can’t get combative and bitchy in a long-term relationship, but a woman who does so in her youth is lining up a lifetime of expectations for the same behavior from the word go.

A NURTURING ATTITUDE MEANS I’LL GET A BREAK WHEN I NEED IT

Let’s look at the counterpart to “bitch shield” behavior. A nurturing woman is one who shows a generally friendly and compassionate demeanor, even (especially) to those of lower status and with less power.

I’ll say it right now: there is something about women being nice to old people, kids and guys they aren’t interested in that makes men feel reassured about their fitness as relationship partners and potential wives. Teachers and nurses have a strong reputation as wife material exactly because of this nurturing vibe that their job depends on.

For the Mad Men fans reading this, recall how quickly Don Draper was smitten with his secretary Megan when he saw her cheery and carefree attitude towards his children, the antithesis of his bitchy and paranoid ex-wife Betty. Megan became Mrs. Draper not long after.You can’t be a bleeding heart and give endlessly to bums and saps, but a sense of personal generosity to the world can really warm a man’s heart.

I believe part of the reason is that a halfway-aware man knows that the pressure is on for him to stay large and in charge in the world, and it’s a real anxiety-inducer for him to consider what might happen to his relationship if he hits some bumps in the road.

If he’s with a nurturing woman, he can trust that if and when he does slip, he’ll get compassionate encouragement instead of negative reinforcement.

By way of real-life example, I recently made the personal and romantic acquaintance of a woman with experience as a schoolteacher, who showed strong signs of a pleasant and easy-going nature. While engaged in some heavy kissing, I bumped my head against the wall. She shifted instantly into a compassionate mode, rubbing my wound and expressing sympathy. Once I assured her I was OK, we went back to the passions of the evening. Her flash of nurturing concern stayed with me and proved to be a real boost to her value in my eyes. It was nice to know that a brief moment of weakness by me actually allowed her to showcase her best side without cutting me down further.

 

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31 Comments

Filed under girl guide, original research

31 responses to “With Regard To A Woman’s “B*tch Shield” And Why Nurturing Is A Commitment-Boner Trigger

  1. WhatsNew

    a halfway-aware man knows that the pressure is on for him to stay large and in charge in the world, and it’s a real anxiety-inducer for him to consider what might happen to his relationship if he hits some bumps in the road.

    Well, most women don’t like losers as their drones, so if there if a man hits a bump then the result usually is to be to be thrown away. Women have every right to throw away a man for any reason, including lack of hand.

    If he’s with a nurturing woman, he can trust that if and when he does slip, he’ll get compassionate encouragement instead of negative reinforcement.

    This assumes that nurturing women do exist or are common. The impression I get from friends and literature etc. is that most women can be nurturing to children and small furry mammals who look cute have some features resembling children, but almost never to their male drones. The moment a male drone is no longer a good investment for her, chop him off, with very very exceptions.

    I suspect that you are underestimating women’s ruthlessness; in some countries they abort most of their female fetuses because male children are better investments as pensions, in others they drive a significant percentage of their male children to neurosis and even suicide pressuring them to raise the return on her investment in them by studying endlessly.

    but a sense of personal generosity to the world can really warm a man’s heart.

    Sure but that’s because it is exceptionally rare. So many women consider males as disposable drones, or at best as potentially productive investments, and it is easy to fall from the second category to the first.

  2. Vicomte

    What the fuck is this ‘drone’ shit?

  3. just visiting

    If I were a man, I’d take a long look at possible cruelty streaks in a woman. How she has handled rejecting other men in her life is a good indication. Look for indications of a nurturing personality. The next one is controversial. If you think a woman you’ve been seeing is worth an ltr, slam it into beta, and see how she reacts. If she instantly cools off, back away. Consider it a fitness test.

  4. Obstinance Works

    Sales people have to get through the “rich shield” if they want to make money.

  5. Big Bang

    My wife of 25 years is as sweet as sugar to me, and pretty tolerant of others, but will whisper some pretty wicked stuff to me about other women and some men.

    The key is that your woman ABSOLUTELY MUST believe that you are better than her. She must always think that she needs to treat you well because you could attract other females if you had to. When your woman thinks that you are “all that”, she will be as gentle as a lamb with you.

    So as a mating strategy it is a bad idea to chase a woman. She should always be chasing you. Women will not long term fuck a man who she thinks is not worthy. And that is when the bitchyness comes out.

  6. P Ray

    @just visiting:
    “How she has handled rejecting other men in her life is a good indication.”
    In other words, you have to observe her in an environment where she is getting picked up.
    Proving that good girls and bad girls alike go to bars.

    “Look for indications of a nurturing personality.”
    Women can be extremely nurturing to guys they want a favour from, to avoid having to front up money for a job.

    “If you think a woman you’ve been seeing is worth an ltr, slam it into beta, and see how she reacts.”
    You can only have the girl, if you can walk away from her. Hence you must be aloof and indifferent.

    … which is proving the point that women create the men and behaviour they complain about, but can’t stay away from.

  7. WhatsNew

    Why Nurturing Is A Commitment-Boner Trigger

    More precisely, nurturing of CHILDREN is a commitment bone trigger. Because other than for children commitment does not matter that much, and sex is pretty much meaningless.

    Look at reports of gay dating: monogamy and commitment are the rare exception in gay dating, everybody tries to do the hottest guys, and sex is entirely meaningless. Eventually a few gay couples form in middle and older age when they are no longer hot, for companionship and support, but basically as friends/mates.

    Sometimes women who are otherwise deeply indifferent will appear to be nurturing a man, but usually that’s to secure (gain or maintain) his investment in her (future or current) children, or in her retirement. But there are a few mutant women who actually like men and being nice to men as if they were people too.

  8. WhatsNew

    @vicomte, as to “fuck is this ‘drone’ shit” many if not most women effectively think of males as drones or pets or dogs or … and of themselves as domesticating and owning male drones. They think of themselves a bit as falconers, with men as the domesticated falcons or cormorants that get sent out to hunt/dive//work and come back with the rabbit/fish/paycheck.

    Traditionally, a woman’s wealth and power has been proportional to that of the male drones that she has domesticated and controls. In particular if her main property/asset/drone is a leader of men, she through him can control a busines or a country. For a woman the ideal property is a male drone who is sexually a greater beta and socially an alpha of other males.

    So a woman will be nurturing of (mostly male) children because they are an investment in raising and domesticating more male drones; sometimes she will nurture her husband to protect the value of her investment in domesticating and controlling him, to continue to enjoy his parental investment in her child drones or in other retirements funds. Never mind that currently the majority of first-world countries wealth is already owned directly by women, mostly via divorce or inheritance.

    Which explains why some women stay with abusive men: these men are only partially domesticated and controlled by these women, yet their investment in that partial domestication and control is large enough that it is hard to give it up and begin from scratch finding and domesticating a new drone. Just like some men can’t let go of poor financial investments, etc.; letting go of sunk costs in bad investments is hard for everybody.

    Becoming or being a sexual alpha (sexual charisma, Game) has always been a counterstrategy to being domesticated and controlled by a woman. In particular by getting a man’s children to be funded by her drones, instead of by himself.

    Part of the aims of contemporary female supremacists is to domesticate and control all of a country’s men to extract from them resources to benefit all women, turning the whole male sex into drones of the whole female sex, and indeed most welfare has turned over time into transfers from (lower wealth) men to (higher wealth) women, rather than being reciprocal insurance.

    This is part of the endless war among women for domestication and control of the best male drones, a phase in which women who don’t want to invest time in domesticating their own drone, or in raising their own children drones, are trying to share ownership of the male drones of other women who have invested in that.

  9. WhatsNew

    @P Ray in “Hence you must be aloof and indifferent” you use the wrong words. Because you must not be aloof and indifferent: you must be keen and interested in getting laid or having a relationship, just not necessarily with her.

    When you write “if you can walk away from her” the attitude there I would describe more as being detached than aloof or indifferent; Game is not about playing hard-to-get, it is about demonstrating that you have other options, and that you are not attached to any one option. As some men eventually learn most women are disgusted by men who get attached to them.

  10. just visiting

    @ P Ray
    I agree about good girls and bad girls both going to clubs or bars. Some would like to suggest otherwise, but it’s not rooted in reality.

    You Said:
    “Look for indications of a nurturing personality.”
    Women can be extremely nurturing to guys they want a favour from, to avoid having to front up money for a job.

    I agree. I’ve said as much on another blog. Gold diggers are the equivalent of pua guys. But it’s a matter of degrees. Not all guys use game to tear through as many women as possible, and not all women are looking for sugar daddy’s. A woman can be very sweet to a man she’s set her sights on, and a complete bag to everyone else. Look for other indicators. Old people, family members, animals, ect. Keep in mind that you may find that very nurturing woman who wants to stay home and raise children. Does that make her a gold digger ?

    As for the part about women creating the men and behaviour they complain about, but can’t stay away from, also true. But I don’t absolve men from this equation. They’re both creating a vicious circle.

    I’ve also mentioned throwing it into beta because I think that a lot of the women who are attracted to alpha traits are not domesticated enough. We can talk about male drones, but the fact remains that femininity is a cultivated trait. A woman without female beta traits (Femininity) is going to have a hard time with marriage. She will also be repulsed by male beta traits. In a LTR or marriage, there has to be a dance of both.

  11. just visiting

    So, I would add, a good way to find out if a woman is putting on an act where femininity is concerned is to watch her limbic system. If she has internalized femininity and nurturing, it will show up there. Slam it into beta, and observe.

  12. Ah. Girls who have bitch shields. Surprise surprise: the “shield” is actually a part of herself. That she uses when she feels above of something. Which she likes.

    The bitchy side doest mean she has more value. It means that a part of her is rotten. Like a rotten fruit. What do you do when you find a rotten fruit… do you try to spin it harder so you can get to the good part? or do you pick a good one?

    Dont waste your time with them. The worse thing that could happen to you is that you actually get her, then have to sort through her bitchy and non bitchy aspects on a daily basis.

    Twice the effort and half the juice.

  13. Pingback: Ah. Girls who have bitch shields. | YOHAMI

  14. Infantry

    ‘Dont waste your time with them. The worse thing that could happen to you is that you actually get her, then have to sort through her bitchy and non bitchy aspects on a daily basis. ‘

    Indeed. I’d say its bad game in a cost/benefit way to even attempt to overcome a bitch shield for a one night stand. You’re better off just smiling and turning away without a word to find a more receptive girl. Game has come far from its beginnings when the shield was seen as something that ‘had’ to be overcome. Only for narcissists who don’t like to lose. I read the Rawness’ psychology essays too and didn’t like what he had to say about players jumping through hoops.

    Badger is right though. Nurturing is something we should screen for in girls that we want a relationship with. See what happens when you’re sick; whether she’ll respond with disinterest or come over to cook you soup.

    To those that doubt these women exist, I can assure you they do and they have been loyal and great for relationships. I once went out with a teacher for 4 years and we only broke up due to circumstances outside our control and the tyranny of distance. Best relationship I ever had. Incredibly nurturing and tolerant even though I was well and truly betaised.

    Its in your own interests to find women that genuinely care about people. There’s a reason nurses and teachers are prized as partners and its not just because they’ll raise good kids.

  15. Candide

    How to defeat any bitch shield:
    1. Be attractive
    2. Don’t be unattractive
    :P

    There’s a reason nurses and teachers are prized as partners and its not just because they’ll raise good kids.

    It’s one teacher you’ve been with, mate. I’ve made a career out of hooking up with teachers and nurses, esp the former. Before he passed away, my mentor told me to steer clear of the caring professions, those two types included. Took me a while to reflect on my dating history and his wisdom.

    While what you’re referring to *was* true, teaching has been ruined by feminism and the self-esteem movement. There are a lot of toxic people in those professions. Keep that red flag radar on, soldier, and don’t build up hopes & dreams too soon.

  16. P Ray

    ^ The people I saw training for their Bachelors in Education to become teachers did not deserve to be in the profession.
    Slipshod, stupid, skanky, snide.
    These will be the people having the licenses to train future generations.
    And the ones advancing more hypocrisy into the current age.

    @Just visiting:
    “So, I would add, a good way to find out if a woman is putting on an act where femininity is concerned is to watch her limbic system. If she has internalized femininity and nurturing, it will show up there. Slam it into beta, and observe.”
    In the mean time if you are wrong you have spent time and money on someone who did not deserve it. Those things aren’t returning, and you have less to spend on anyone else.
    When searching costs become too high, men become more cautious with their spending.
    Or they simply set a blanket standard and do not wander out from it, except for a pump-and-dump(is it cheating if a man cheats a carousel-rider out of a marriage?).

  17. Infantry

    My experience with Teachers has mainly been good here in Australia and I’ve dated more than one. As usual, if you detect strong feminist undertones from a woman, you should abort. I always have my radar up and if I seem cavalier, its because my screening serves me well.

    ‘In the mean time if you are wrong you have spent time and money on someone who did not deserve it’

    Like all screening, isn’t it best to find out sooner before throwing good money after bad? Or are you worried about keeping a hot girl around more than finding a relationship?

  18. just visiting

    @ P Ray
    In the mean time if you are wrong you have spent time and money on someone who did not deserve it. Those things aren’t returning, and you
    have less to spend on anyone else.

    Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that makes men jaded.

  19. Candide

    I’m from Australia, so was my mentor. I’m also from a family of teachers. I can see a clear difference between teachers from the older generations and the current ones. Look, if you can find a good woman who happens to be a teacher or nurse, power to you, but I wouldn’t recommend exclusively fishing in that contaminated pond.

  20. an observer

    Young teachers may start out being nurturing, but the profession wins out in the end.

    Westernised education systems are as bad on the instructors as their pupils. That sweet, doey eyed 25 year old teacher becomes a resentful, entitlement centric bureaucrat in no time flat.

    In case of doubt, ask if they deserve their summer holidays. Then ask why they don’t just change jobs.

    Oh yeah. . . Teachers are just there to help children. . . And pigs fly.

    http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/

    Never dated a teacher, never intend to.

  21. Zac

    I’ve never understood why guys put up with girls who don’t treat them respectfully. If a girl is mean to me it’s immediately a turn off. I prefer to be around people that treat other people with respect. I have absolutely no interest in trying to win over a rude person to liking me.

    Another thing is when you realize how easy it can be to meet some women it makes these women look even less attractive. When things just work and go the right way it’s much more fun and relaxing than trying to convince a person that is being rude to you to like you.

  22. Random Angeleno

    I don’t specifically look for caring professionals, but one criteria I always have is how she behaves with the help. The waitress who took our order; the cashier at the book store; the popcorn guy at the movie theatre. Any hint of bitchiness with any of these is a danger sign.

  23. P Ray

    “Like all screening, isn’t it best to find out sooner before throwing good money after bad?”
    That’s why you observe them before going further. People in their public behaviour are a more reliable indicator of character.

    “Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that makes men jaded.”
    You don’t need to be bitten by a snake to know they are dangerous. Does that mean people are “jaded” by snakes?
    P.S. More peoples lives have been ruined by a bad relationship or marriage, than by snakebites.

  24. anonymous

    Beware: nurture fatigue

    In the long long term, anyone (male or female) in the nurturing professions adopts nurturing as an performance, as an actress.
    I suspect women accountants or lawyers maintain a more genuine wellspring of untapped nurturing.

  25. Matt

    Great post. It just goes to show that a down-to-earth understanding of Game is actually pro-feminist in the best kind of way. Girls who act like bitches are just like guys who act like assholes: They’re nice to people who have something they want or are “superior” in some way, and they’re complete banshees to people who don’t/aren’t. The application may differ between the sexes (high-status women get asked for sex, high-status men get asked for money), but it’s a constitutional personality flaw that both sexes have in common.

  26. Candide

    This is what can happen in the modern world if you fail to penetrate the bitch shield: http://ohno-polio.tumblr.com/post/24599718126

    The guy is obviously a cheating bastard, but look at what a woman can do to ruin you if your approach ain’t smooth enough. Maintaining a sense of mystery not only works to amplify attraction, but also to protect your arse when it goes pear-shaped.

  27. “Beware: nurture fatigue” Good phrase and dead on. I was about to say “They don’t want to care in their personal life, because they’ve already done it all damn day at work.”

  28. The One Reason

    “I’d say its bad game in a cost/benefit way to even attempt to overcome a bitch shield for a one night stand. You’re better off just smiling and turning away without a word to find a more receptive girl. Game has come far from its beginnings when the shield was seen as something that ‘had’ to be overcome.”

    But shaming an especially nasty one in front of her friends is always a Good Deed for the mankind. Like once a tall blonde on the dancefloor with her two friends (the other one more like her mother in age), apparently a “good girl”, who nevertheless threw middle fingers at certain male boarding pirates, with resulting “you go grrl”-style hilarity ensuing in her party.

    Plan: after taking her finger shot, mock indignation in the vein of “are you always like that?”, incorporating the more receptive 50-something friend similarly with an “is she always like that, so rude?”. But of course the last call came and music stopped as I was about to step on the dancefloor. B*llocks. One more minute and lady Princess would have been much more humble/shamed in the clockroom queue afterwards. Still hurts my brain. No, in my head.

  29. Joe Commenter

    “Beware: nurture fatigue” Good phrase and dead on. I was about to say “They don’t want to care in their personal life, because they’ve already done it all damn day at work.”

    Hmmm. Maybe dating a hooker isn’t such a good idea after all. No sex left over for me.

  30. Emily

    Women’s complaints about using “bitch shields” are actually hidden boasts-she is letting everyone around her know that she is wanted by other men but that she will not succumb to their attempts at seduction. She is increasing her value as attractive-but-virginal to all males around her.

  31. Pingback: Dominance and Femininity | The Badger Hut

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