Great Game Material: Deep Rapport Questions to Create Emotional Connection

A while back I ran across a 2008 post entitled “Deep Rapport Questions” by one Sebastian Flyte, taking the nom de guerre Elysium.  I consider it one of the most important posts on game and social interactions I’ve ever read.

The blog has since been taken down, but the content has been preserved by the Internet wayback machine and also by crasch at this post. Elysium says:

>>>>>

I read Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You by Sam Gosling. It was mildly interesting, and like many of these one-word intellectual books popping up (Yes!) had some little gems of curious research splatted here and there.

The most intriguing was a study* by Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York, who wanted to see how long takes to feel a really deep romantic connection with someone. So he got in some guys and girls, and in the space of an hour tried to create intimacy levels that typically take months or years to form. It was called the ‘Sharing Game’ – a sheet of 36 questions was presented to the participants, and they had to ask and answer them with their assigned partner. Both had to answer the questions out loud, to each other, and in the manner of a conversation. Here are some of the questions:

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  • Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  • What would constitute the “perfect” day for you?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  • If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  • Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  • If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  • What is your most treasured memory?
  • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
  • What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  • Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
  • When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  • What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

There is a momentum here – if you admit you rehearse telephone calls, a minor but revealing thing, you will be more willing to answer the deeper questions. Interestingly, and proof that conventional ‘where are you from’ questions lead nowhere with women, was the control mechanism: a small talk questionnaire for other participants that included questions like “Tell me the names of your brothers and sisters, and where they were born”, and “Where are you from? Name all the places you’ve lived”.

The participants in the deep rapport experiment “didn’t want to part company afterwards; many were seen exchanging cell numbers to keep in contact”.

The participants in the small talk experiment just wanted to get the hell out of there.

These questions should be incorporated into the “truth game” comfort routine, where you say ‘Let’s play the truth game. We ask each other questions, one at a time, and have to tell the truth.” Simple. Simple. Simple.

<<<<<

Over the past few months I’ve been working hard on building emotional connection** with women, exuding warmth and closeness while avoiding the crying-shoulder friend zone that so many guys fall prey to. I had noticed that in my quest to avoid wishy-washy beta-orbiter status, I had suppressed some of my emotional spark. Although I was bold and alpha and creating attraction, it was falling flat on follow-up due to my backing away from riding the emotional wave.

The breakthrough for me was one of Roissy’s Commandments:

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

This is the classic sensual wordsmithing that made Roissy the unparalleled king of the the scene – back when it was called the “Roissysphere,” a nod to the fact that it was his world and the rest of us were just blogging in it.

This idea of employing the senses and running aimlessly through a forest of feelings resonated with me. As anyone who reads my blog knows, I can move between topics and spheres of discussion with the best of them.

Searching for a way to heighten my emotional energy in conversation without smiling too much, laughing too much or getting too clingy, I dialed up Elysium’s post. I couldn’t keep more than two of the questions in my head at any one time, but that was enough – one was usually enough to kick-start a conversation in a personal but still safe direction. I wasn’t asking about her past relationships, family history or kink. But I was getting her sharing details about how she worked (or how she thought she worked), building comfort and an image of myself as a deep guy in her eyes.

I’ve actually rolled one of the questions into a standard conversational rejoinder, now a part of my personality rather than a game routine. That question is “before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?” Not only does this function as a rapport builder, it clues me in to a woman’s social demeanor and possibly her introvert/extrovert balance. In two cases it even got women to tell me outright that they worked in public relations and corporate sales respectively, material I used to take the conversation in yet another direction (and not a direction about work – one thing that does not build rapport is talking about your jobs. I actually advise you never say “so what do you do?” in conversation ever again.)

Line for line, this sector of your game is very low-cost to learn. You don’t have to worry about keeping a bold frame like when delivering cocky funny lines, you don’t have to worry about shit-test responses, and you’re very unlikely to get rejected based on these questions (a woman who can’t play along is one that isn’t worth talking to anyway).

You just say the line, listen to her response, and say “…that’s interesting.” Then either follow up on what she said (“what if it was a really important phone call, like a accepting a job offer or with a guy you really liked”) or, if she’s polite, she’ll ask you back the same question and you respond honestly but be one step less revealing than she was to maintain some aloofness.

These topics are winners – women love talking about psychology, especially their own inscrutable natures (let the hamster spin for fun), and so many guys flag out in conversation with the same “where are you from/what do you do/how long have you lived here” boilerplate. Don’t be that guy – be the interesting guy who taught her something about herself.

*The blog author gives the academic citation in a comment: “The procedure is described in the “Personality and Social Bulletin”, 23,33-377. The experiment itself was by Slatcher, R. B. (2007) “Party of Four: Creating closeness between couples”, University of Texas. He has a 2008 summary called “Effects of couple friendships on relationship closeness”.”

**Great minds think alike.

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20 Comments

Filed under beta guide, dating and field game, science+technology

20 responses to “Great Game Material: Deep Rapport Questions to Create Emotional Connection

  1. Pingback: Truth Game | SNY Ideas

  2. Badger or anyone else,
    On the topic of emotional connections, a friend of mine is having some issues. She’s slightly off in her relationship standards – she finds she’s simply not able to emotionally connect with guys since her last relationship (3 years ago with an alpha). She hasn’t slept around or anything, just gone on dates with many guys and not been into any of them – after a couple weeks she gets annoyed with it and NEXT’s them.

    As I guy, I know what I’d say, that she’s being super hypergamous, needs to look at her attraction triggers, and find ways to set guys up to succeed if they’re going to instead of screening them out so harshly. And I’ve said this, nicely at length and short and to the point multiple times. I hate pointing her to HUS, but don’t really know what the fuck else to do if she’s not listening to me, when she’s read HUS and Dalrock for awhile, and still doesn’t get it but instead keeps saying ‘attraction triggers are normal, natural, I can’t change them, and isn’t that the point of love?’

    Will take help and handouts.

  3. Also, I think the frustration for me is knowing what I’d do to build up rapport with a woman, but being able to tell a woman how to build it up with a man is apparently beyond me.

  4. P Ray

    Hope you aren’t attracted to this said friend, and are thus helping her to show what a good,kind,nice guy you are.
    You gotta wait until those women hit the wall. Then that’s the time they get appreciative (or know how their bread is buttered, ahahahaha).

    Here’s another source for you (I summarised since I was bored, and laughing at feminists or entitled women is funny):

    http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/five-minutes-of-alpha-2/#comments

    Anonymous

    It will never cease to amaze me just how much knowledge women can swim through and still come out dry. So young men turn girls into bitter mean cat enthusiasts? HAH!

    Alphas will go for the youngest, hottest, and most virginal mates and get them when they are older. If they want. When they are young they can also do this. If they want. You are right at the same time you are so very wrong.

    Young girls will compete for the same small pool of men, they will slut it up for those desirable fellows. They will however not debase themselves so far as to let a beta drop a fuck in them for any reason related to love. Those young virgins didn’t have to give it up to an alpha cad, there are always nice guy betas trying to weasel their way in with compliments and a constant presence.

    You can try and turn the argument back around and put it on young alphas, but you can’t apply it to young betas. Nice guys didn’t force nice girls to fuck bad boys. Nice girls didn’t force bad boys to fuck slutty girls. Bad boys didn’t force slutty girls to put out and cause nice girls to compete with them using sex. Slutty girls did force nice guys to turn into bad boys to get laid.

    But the worst part of it is, it’s not just the sex that women shower alphas with. “Five minutes of alpha” like this article and the posts mostly confirm, is that the nice girls will forever love the bad boy over the nice guy. L-O-V-E. A woman may devalue the man over time, but she’ll never forget his name, how they met, or why he was “special” enough to fuck. The hamster rationalized itself into fucking him and it may make him less, but it will never make him nothing.

    MikkoAP

    “Do men really go for the good girls? No. They go for them when they’re in their 30’s and they’re ready to settle down. Prior to, they’ll go for all the sluts. Then you wonder why good girls go bad?”

    Yes, men really do go for the good girls. The betas do that is. But they’re all but invisible to women.

    They’d be happy to settle down, but women either a.) sleep with the alphas, these are the sluts. Sluts won’t settle for beta cock.

    b.) Or don’t slut out with alphas, but still reject betas in order to wait for the magical guy who’s totally alpha, but only has eyes for her.

    Dalrock has a great post about this: http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/10/23/thoughts-on-the-8020-college-hookup-question/

    One of the comments has a great term for this: “riding the unicorn carousel”
    as opposed to “riding the cock carousel.”

    on November 1, 2011 at 3:12 am | Reply
    Anonymous

    you say you “learned this lesson well enough.” my impression is that you are in your late 20’s and at the end of your rope. women dont realize they need to settle for betas out of insight. they seek them out once they discover they can no longer attract alphas, in an effort to avoid the looming specter of spinsterhood. but even then, these women fail, as they try get the highest quality beta (i.e. betas that could easily be alpha if they learned to stop doing anti-game). you make it sound as if women are capable of settling with ease. anytime you look at whatever beta you end up with, you will be filled with self-pity, always thinking you should have done better.

    on November 1, 2011 at 3:30 am | Reply
    Anonymous

    “How is it that women can be held in such bad perception for needing to be broken by an alpha in order to start going for gentleman.”

    again, women dont go for betas because of self-reflection, but out of necessity. and you are mistaken in thinking men settle down these days. alphas and even some betas know how devastating divorce can be. so why get married in the first place? even if you find, in your words, “a good girl”, theres no protection if she decides one day to eat, pray, love her way into self-fulfillment. half your net worth, along with anywhere between 20-40% of your future income. and of course, the original purpose of marriage-children. with women getting full-custody no matter how much of a whore she is, and the courts not enforcing the little visitation rights he has, having kids has lost what little appeal they had.

    look at the communities of alphas and betas-the PUA and the MGTOW. both of them adamantly oppose getting married. marriage as an institution is dead.

    on November 1, 2011 at 3:45 am | Reply
    Manuel Dexter

    That really hasn’t been the experience of the denizens of the Chateau. Women in their 20’s by and large are riding the cock carousel. There are no “good girls” in 2011. You’re all sluts.


    loveiseasy

    I think it has a lot to do with the fact women are a lot more picky and particular than men. Since women are a lot less malleable and compromising when it comes to their preferences, whereas men adjust theirs to what they can reasonably and consistently attract (for the most part), once a woman has an encounter with a man of high caliber, she doesn’t even want to see or talk to anyone who is below his level. Even if it means succumbing to celibacy for some time.

    Men are a lot more pragmatic and realistic, although they may miss a beautiful women whom they have encountered, they won’t fall into celibacy because of it. Their need for sexual satisfaction is a lot more urgent, more necessary. and sooner or later will go back to attracting beautiful women as per usual.

    Of course women are a lot more in the dark when it comes to who they can reasonably attain for a commitment as opposed to who’s willing to use them as a nice, warm hole resulting from the fact that men are lot more likely to fuck below their own HPV. It’s all too often that a woman will go through her best years rejecting men against one guy who really gave her the tingles, but would have never given her a ring. Those women are typically fucked for life.

  5. Haha, no, not interested in her at all, thank god. I just have a hard time listening to her when the male side of the red pill is cut throat compared to the blue pill. No idea how to relate to her problems besides telling her to stop bitching and take a good hard look at her attraction triggers and then change them. Or atleast try to control them. But then she doesn’t listen when I say that either.

  6. Candide

    Leap, don’t play shrink with female friends.

    These deep rapport questions are excellent. However, be very careful. Any woman you attract through them will be very hard to get rid of.

  7. Yeah Candide, thats where I think I’m gonna go with this. I honestly didn’t see it coming – it morphed from me just reading and giving brutally honest feedback about her creative writing to this weird shrink thing that I need to stop somehow.

  8. JS

    Leap of a Beta…As a woman, I would say: give her 3-5 specific things she could do on her next date (e.g., her outfit [dress, heels, makeup], conversations to avoid or engage in, other non-verbal cues she can implement/IOIs, etc).

    Tell her …”look whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working, just do what I say, just this one time and see how you feel and how the guy reacts. If you dont like / poor results…feel free to revert back to your own ways.”

    And, I’d suggest asking her point-blank: “do you tell me this stuff to get my feedback so that you can make the changes need to get better results? Or do you just want to complain and have no intention of changing? Because if it’s the latter, I’ve gotta tell ya…I’ve hit my threshold for listening to this vicious circle.” It will either: piss her off and she’ll stop coming to you with this (problem-solved) OR she will realize she is being an annoying broken record and will actually realize she needs to do something.

    If she does online dating (and you’re feeling brave)… have her show you her profile and pics and tell her what kind of image/attitude she is projecting to men. Also, the “bad luck w/ connecting to men” makes me wonder if she is just trying to reject them before they reject her…which makes me want to ask: “is she hot?” If she’s not, tell what she needs to do in order to get hot.

    Also….send her to dating coach/blog Evan March Katz (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/) ….he is amazing at tough love in a way that women can truly hear and use in real life. Also a somewhat new blog, written by a guy (targeted at helping women) in keeping with manosphere ideals is http://www.therulesrevisited.com/

    Good luck!

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  10. Pingback: Athol Kay’s Latest Post on Finding Your Passion And Making It Happen | The Badger Hut

  11. walderschmidt

    Good post. It gives me an idea. You could go around posing as a psych major student and ask different girls if they would participate in your “experiment”.

    Then you ask the rapport creating questions.

  12. Pingback: Dreams and changes

  13. My Name Is Jim

    As I internalize red-pill thinking, I’ve learned to let the blue-pill people have their ways and not try to “fix” them. This is especially true towards women, a corollary to the don’t take dating advice from women rule has emerged as the don’t give women dating advice rule. That’s generalizarion of course, there are exceptions. Not trying to imply to our host his efforts at spreading the occasional girl game are in vain entirely. Betas growing into alphas have to learn what and who to leave behind sometimes, is my point. Blue-pill people are not there to be fixed.

  14. That old Elysium post is gold. I still have it bookmarked.

  15. Zac

    I believe that emotionally connecting on a deep level is by and far one of the most important things you can do in any situation where you are interested in a woman. I find that a lot of guys have a problem with connecting emotionally because they aren’t even connected emotionally with themselves.

    I really enjoyed the questions here. The key is you have to be asking from a place of genuine interest. Genuinely caring about finding out about a person is a huge aphrodisiac.

    I’m surprised at that Roissy quote. It almost seems very against a lot of the stuff I’ve read on his blog lately about objectifying women and things of that nature. I very much enjoyed the quote (as well as the questions). Thanks for sharing.

  16. Pingback: Field Guide: Don’t Ask A Lot Of Direct Questions and Don’t Talk About Work | The Badger Hut

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  18. @leap

    “to this weird shrink thing that I need to stop somehow.”

    YES. stop this crap. don’t be the emotional tampon.

    get girls to comply with YOUR wishes.

    stop complying to THEIR wishes.

  19. urs

    I do hair for a living, and often have to figure out a way to kill a couple of hours at a time with strangers or mere acquaintances. I can vouch that these types of questions totally work, and opening up with people about “real” stuff often loosens them up, too. I find that these conversations ultimately result in me very strongly liking almost all of my clients, and (I think) they feel the same way; that stereotype about the relationships that people have with their hairdressers is largely true. That level of loyalty is also incredibly valuable to our business, and I often reiterate to new girls in the industry that clients are paying for that relationship as much as they are paying for the cut and color. We are an attention starved and shallow culture – most people are dying for someone to really talk to. I cannot emphasize enough how valuable it is – for career, family, AND love – to develop at least some of the skills required to communicate in this way. I mean, we are social creatures; we evolved to connect with each other. So let’s do it.

  20. Pingback: Building RAPPORT. like a pro

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