1. Do lots of approaches. This one is really simple, but obviously not easy. There’s a point at which you have to stop talking yourself out of it and just go talk to women. Do a lot of approaches. In rapid succession. At every venue you go to. Consider the 100 Approach Challenge.
If you need motivation, consider that probably 80+% of men will almost never approach a woman they find interesting. There’s never been an easier way to stand out from the crowd. Women out in the world are just waiting for a confident, cool guy to talk them up. Be that guy. As Roosh puts it in Bang, “just say the words.”
Approaching is 95% perspiration. Make it a habit.
2. Use some canned openers. Putting aside game haters who insist any routine is evidence of loserdom, there’s considerable debate among game practitioners about the wisdom of practiced versus spontaneous openers. If you find approaching to be difficult, you should absolutely use canned openers to take some of the edge off.
It’s like a football coach who pre-plans play calls for certain key situations – you can’t script the entire ballgame, but pre-committing your two-point plays or your third and short package removes one huge piece of decision-making anxiety from what promises to be an already-tense situation.
I generally advise against the classic Mystery-style openers that ask for opinions or tell a mini-story, as they require a large investment in the initial conversation on the woman’s part and are also difficult to execute properly. They are great if you want or need to put on a show from the start, but that’s just not my style and is high-risk for guys who aren’t natural performers.
My theory on openers is that they should open the conversation and that’s it. I like to think of it like dealing cards from a deck. Once they’ve been shuffled, the cards you will get from the dealer are determined. You just have to stay in long enough to see if you wind up with a good hand.
Likewise, I believe a woman has 90% decided whether she wants to talk to you or not before you open your mouth (humans have very quick and sensitive circuitry to make those decisions before our rational minds can catch up). All you’re doing with an opener is finding a less direct way to say “hi, do you want to talk to me?” The simpler the opener, the softer her rejection will need to be if she chooses to do so.
And if you’re daygaming, your opener has to be extra soft to avoid scaring the cat.
In his book Bang, Roosh discusses a handful of basic openers that together fit almost any situation. I have adopted one of them into my nightly repertoire and it has almost never failed me:
“You look like you’re having the most fun here.” (said sarcastically or earnestly depending on the situation)
I also like to give a value-free compliment about a woman’s attire: “That’s a very blue/green/yellow dress/coat/scarf you’re wearing.”
Roosh’s “elderly opener” is a good one to have, especially in low-key indirect environments – “Hey is that a good phone/computer/book?”
If she is buying a lot of booze or alcohol-related stuff, I will sometimes note that she must be getting ready for a hell of party (or having a bad day).
I have always been a good opener, but sometimes I lose my spontaneity in the moment and go back to a stock one-liner; other times I’m a bit tense and it calms me to go back to the well.
3. Imagine you’ve already been rejected. Another item I picked up (ha!) from Roosh is to imagine you’ve already been rejected as you are about to make the approach. It sounds counterintuitive, but if you strike this frame you really have nothing to lose.
4. Assume friendly reaction. If you’re in a large social situation like a bar or a mixer event, imagine yourself like a waiter, usher or museum guide. Act as if it’s your job to chat people up and cursorily ask how they are doing, and expect a positive response. People will pick up on it and play to your role; some will be polite but nothing more, at least one of them will catch fire. Now shirley, plenty of people are rude to waiters, but almost everybody thinks those people are in the wrong.
5. Have a response ready. A cordial rejection is due a pleasant “it was nice talking to you.” But in keeping with (4), you should be vaguely surprised and mildly insulted if someone turns down your approach with hostility. Deliver a plain but surprised look of contempt or dismissal. DON’T overdo this and get butthurt, this is just acting to imply your intrinsic high value. I like to widen my eyes as if to say “is this chick for real?” The idea is that you are marking her down for her poor decision, and then moving on without a second thought. Sometimes a deadpan line or two is called for. ”Is she always like this?” is a classic PUA neg that can also be employed to frame a woman as rude to her friends.
My absolute favorite line if a woman is getting irascible is to deadpan “you must be a real hit at parties.”
6. Approach for its own sake. Do approaches with zero expectation of closing. This not only takes the pressure off, it opens your pool of practice opportunities to married women, grannies, chicks out with their boyfriends, types you don’t dig, all sorts of new situations you might not consider if you were only opening girls you were attracted to at the outset. Approaching = starting a conversation, not “hitting on” anybody.
7. Don’t apologize. In my day I’ve actually had a few sets where a woman asks rudely “why are you talking to me?” Never let anybody make you think you shouldn’t be talking to new people. Go back to (5) and frame them in the wrong – if they didn’t want to be talked to, they can stay home where nobody will bother them. Otherwise, you (a high-value and interesting man) are going to talk to people you find interesting.
The most supplicating thing you should ever say in an opener is “excuse me,” which everybody knows is not really meant in the literal anyway.