Olive Online

Please welcome Olive to the blogosphere at http://femaleframechanges.blogspot.com/. I first encountered Olive on the comment threads at Hooking Up Smart, where she has spoken at length about de-programming herself from the female herd thinking that saw her rewarded with friends and social value for taking part in Machiavellian back-stabbing and shallow materialism.

Apparently the dam burst a while back when she noticed her friends taking it upon themselves to alienate her boyfriend because they judged him unfit by the standards of their group, and she finally told them where to stick it.

Since then she has taken it upon herself to conscious de-enlist from the typical entitlement programming that spoils so many young women, and has even taglined her blog “Princess Jasmine Isn’t Real.” She deserves considerable acclaim for actively (and publicly) making the effort to throw off the dysfunctional culture young women are raised into.

From her second post entitled “Expectations”:

I have a lot of de-programming to do.

In the U.S. girls are taught to expect the best from their men. They’re taught to expect fancy jewelry and expensive vacations and fawning, kind words from their significant others. And when they get it all, they still aren’t happy.

I’m reminded of a conversation I witnessed this summer. I was at an amusement park with my boyfriend and two girlfriends. The girls started talking about what they expect from their significant others on anniversaries, and they agreed that dinner and one present was reasonable. I can’t remember if they talked about what they would do for their significant others (neither of them had one at the time), so I’m guessing they didn’t cover that. Later, in private, my boyfriend told me how ridiculous he thought it was. Incidentally, we spent the next day celebrating our two-year anniversary by sitting around the house, doing absolutely nothing. In high school, I would’ve been pissed. Thankfully, I think I’m improving, as it didn’t bother me, though I still have a long way to go.

But why do we want all this stuff all the time? Why do we expect to be cared for and pampered? And why, when guys do stuff for us, do we take it for granted and just ask for more?

APPRECIATE WHAT YOU’VE GOT

The “taking for granted” part reminded me of Eric Barker’s post “How to make yourself happier in just a few seconds“:

In Studies 1 and 2, college students wrote about the ways in which a positive event might never have happened and was surprising or how it became part of their life and was unsurprising. As predicted, people in the former condition reported more positive affective states. In Study 3, college student forecasters failed to anticipate this effect. In Study 4, Internet respondents and university staff members who wrote about how they might never have met their romantic partner were more satisfied with their relationship than were those who wrote about how they did meet their partner. The authors discuss the implications of these findings for the literatures on gratitude induction and counterfactual reasoning.

In other words, thinking about losing something you have makes you happier about having it.

The converse would be that thinking about something you don’t have makes you less happy about not having it. It wasn’t examined in the study, but Olive hits this exact phenomenon on her blog.

AND ANOTHER ONE

As long as we’re on the topic, hat tip to jamie’s blog at http://oldtimemoviereview.blogspot.com/ which is, yes, about movies. If I recall correctly jamie posted at HUS concerning an evening in which she wore a dress that “gave her the proportions of Jessica Rabbit.” She was thusly chased around the party by no less than three captivated men. She had to get rid of the dress, being unable to handle its power. I’d be curious as to her thoughts about the Hollywood nostalgia of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “Olive Online

  1. Candide

    And Susan kept saying Roissy’s “dread” doesn’t make a woman happy…

  2. The secret to a happy relationship [heck, happiness in general] is gratitude .

    I’ve spent many years struggling with a painful childhood illness. Because of my illness, it’s hard for me to not appreciate all the blessing I have in my life. I may be sickly, but I have family and friends who love me, and a large delightful stuffed animal collection. Life is sweet…

    Anyway, love is a weird thing. I mean, I don’t care what my fiance buys me, or where he takes me. As long as I’m with him, that’s all that matters… & I was quite the spoiled twit before I met him! If a woman is dating a man, and all she cares about is material things – then she doesn’t truly love him. I mean, it’s right there in most wedding vows “for richer or poorer”. A relationship isn’t about having a man give you stuff.

    They’re taught to expect fancy jewelry and expensive vacations and fawning, kind words from their significant others.

    From my understanding, men tend to believe their love for their significant other is an obvious fact. They don’t constantly fawn and flatter their significant other, because they assume she is already aware of their feelings.

    This logic is easily proven by a simple sh!t test.

    “…Do you love me?”
    *annoyed* “Of course I love you!”

  3. Thanks for the plug, Badger!

  4. BF,

    My sister had rheumatoid arthritis as a child. It abated at some point, I don’t quite recall the details, but I remember the pain, the mild but humiliating periods of disability, the close relationship with the doctor; it made her timid and shy for years afterward.

    Speaking as someone who has spent almost all his life among educated people, your posts have been enlightening into the life and times of the (majority) non-college population. It’s amazing how easy it is to pontificate about the issues of white-collar society as if they were the only people around.

    I mean, it’s right there in most wedding vows “for richer or poorer”. A relationship isn’t about having a man give you stuff.

    Hear hear! I have had to explain this to more than one woman who looked at me funny.

  5. LeapofaBeta

    Cool. It’ll be interesting to see her go through the reprogramming from a woman’s side as I go through the same from the man’s.

    Love the idea of figuring out what someone you’re dating thinks of their first encounter with you as something normal or something they’re lucky to have as a gauge of any entitlement issues. Its something that is quick and easy to find out without a ton of conversation hoops to jump through to make it unawkward and get an honest response. If she fails, be on the look out for signs you’re dating an entitlement princess. If she passes, enjoy a relationship where she’s more likely to appreciate you as an actual person instead of you as an object she acquired to fill a hole in her perfect picture.

  6. Unplugging from the heavy hand of social expectations is incredibly difficult. Our culture’s relationship expectations are truly awful and wildly unsuccessful. Ever wonder why the divorce rate is at (of over) an stubborn 50%? It’s because of those social expectations. I cringe when I read modern dating and relationship “advice” because the advice will ultimately result in relationship failure.

    When a woman like Olive tries to unplug herself, she’s paddling up the swift current in a river of relationship information bullshit and friends – while meaning well – who blindly follow social expectations and try to hold Olive back from her Red Pill progress.

  7. Hi Badger!

    Thanks for the link. You are too kind. And for the record, Who Framed Roger Rabbit is one of my favorite movies ever. I especially like the freeway/decommissioning of the Pacific Electric streetcar tie-ins (though not historically accurate) that made my city the giant parking lot it is today.

  8. Interesting blog. I’m going to checking out here site.

  9. “The girls started talking about what they expect from their significant others on anniversaries, and they agreed that dinner and one present was reasonable. I can’t remember if they talked about what they would do for their significant others (neither of them had one at the time), so I’m guessing they didn’t cover that.”

    I had a similar discussion earlier this year, in which I asked a magazine editor why his publication’s blog didn’t include advice on what women could do for their men on Valentine’s Day. Item 4 here:

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/reflections-on-valentines-day/

  10. susanawalsh

    In other words, thinking about losing something you have makes you happier about having it.

    The converse would be that thinking about something you don’t have makes you less happy about not having it. It wasn’t examined in the study, but Olive hits this exact phenomenon on her blog.

    This is a great insight, one of many reasons I expect Olive’s blog to be successful. She’s a deep thinker, she’s honest, and she’s fair. I expect her to draw both men and women.

    Your second point there is the premise of Game in the early days, whereas the first point reflects the premise of Game in relationships. I’ve never thought of it this way before, but it makes sense to me.

    I do believe there’s a difference, though, between keeping someone on their toes, or refusing to be taken for granted, and instilling dread. Real anxiety kills intimacy, though it may result in more short-term sex.

  11. My grandmother used to refer to this as “Be thankful for what you have or it’ll get taken away from you.”

    \\But why do we want all this stuff all the time? Why do we expect to be cared for and pampered? And why, when guys do stuff for us, do we take it for granted and just ask for more?//

    Because women have been convinced by other women that we “deserve” the enormous diamonds and the house the size of a small country, or he “doesn’t really love us.” Which is, of course, utter crap. Someone who quantifies the level of affection their S/O has for them by how many material goodies get dropped in their lap isn’t just oblivious, they’re greedy as well.

    Looks like I have quite a few pages of links to read.

  12. Lavazza

    Gratitude is one of the cornerstones of any philosophy or religion. When I feel unhappy I make a mental or even better a written list of the things that I am grateful for. Works like a charm.

  13. “Looks like I have quite a few pages of links to read.”

    It’s beyond time for me to compile a good list of my best posts for new readers.

  14. Speaking as someone who has spent almost all his life among educated people, your posts have been enlightening into the life and times of the (majority) non-college population. It’s amazing how easy it is to pontificate about the issues of white-collar society as if they were the only people around.

    I’ve spent most of my life surrounded by successful business owners. Compared to self-employed entrepreneurs, I’ve noticed white collar educated-folk have the tendency to be status obsessed. What college you went to, what company you work for, what neighborhood you live in. They even apply this criteria to romantic relationships. By the time a woman is finished crafting an ideal “status-friendly” lifestyle, she’s already 30 with a ticking biological clock.

    I will not establish my adult life with the same strategy I use to purchase handbags. I don’t care about what’s popular, or what impresses people. I won’t be a lemming jumping off a cliff; I know following modern society’s expectations will not lead to anything good.

    I realize it takes courage to deviate from the status-quo, but I think a lot of young women will start to reject the lifestyle feminism advocates. Especially when the Higher-Education bubble bursts. I also think men will stop feeling pressured to marry a career women. I mean, with so many career women coming out and admitting they wish they had settle down earlier.

    Hear hear! I have had to explain this to more than one woman who looked at me funny.

    I’ve noticed it’s hard for many women to comprehend long-term relationships that don’t involve a sugardaddy-esque dynamic.

    That’s why I’m always suspicious of women who claim a successful marriage is based on a male provider with a housewife [not stay-at-home mom, I mean a housewife who lacks any substantial responsibilities] Male provider = man who gives you stuff. It’s basically admitting that women will only put effort into a marriage when they have a spouse that gives them stuff. It’s frightening when you realize how common this attitude is among American women. [I believe it's related to the "man up" concept. Apparently divorce rates will go down if men "man-up" and start providing for women]

    My sister had rheumatoid arthritis as a child. It abated at some point, I don’t quite recall the details, but I remember the pain, the mild but humiliating periods of disability, the close relationship with the doctor; it made her timid and shy for years afterward.

    Awh, I hope your sister’s alright, and remains flare free. I developed RA a few years ago; I’ve only recently recovered. It made me shy and timid as well; my medication caused weight loss – back in High School girls would start rumors about me being anorexic.

  15. urs

    You know, I think this is true. It’s difficult to be unhappy about anything with gratitude. I was an active participant in an omega relationship (that is, we were both behaving like omegas) for five years, which was about four and a half years longer than it should have been. But I stayed, because I kept worrying about what would happen to me if I left (mainly, I’d be poorer than ever).

    And then….I got knocked up. The baby made me pull my head out of my ass really fast, while her dad continued fumbling around. So I kicked him out, really because I didn’t think I had anything to lose anymore, relationship-wise. I figured I’d be single for the rest of my life or something, but at least my daughter wouldn’t have to listen to me and her father’s contempt for each other every day, so that was a plus.

    The craziest stuff happened to me after we split, though. I was able to let go of so much. I let go of trying so hard to be perfect (I was failing, because I had the wrong version of “perfect” in my head – it was all that rom-com crap, btw). I focused more on just being myself, working out my issues, being happy, getting my life together, getting my career going, being a good mom, all that. I quit looking for some guy to “complete me”. I quit buying into the bullshit belief that I “need” another person for my life to be good and validated and acceptable and all that, and that I need to have a bunch of stuff to be a valuable person. I wanted to figure out how to do that for MYself; how to actually BE a person of value. Sure, this was driven by the numerous let downs I’d experienced over the years. But I also realized I had been a let down, too. And I didn’t want to be that anymore.

    So the unexpected amazing thing about that, is that when you work on yourself, instead of just looking for the next person to fill whatever dysfunctional hole in your psyche you have, you can have a real relationship. You attract real people who want the same. And you can enjoy each other’s company because you both WANT to be there, you’re grateful to be there. It’s not some desperate NEED (gross!!!). When I kicked Mr. Omega out, I was scared of what would happen. What happened, though, was that I moved on. Life continued. I was okay. And not long after, I became better than okay. And I didn’t need him around to do it – I could do it myself. It didn’t matter that I was poor; I just wanted to be a better version of myself, and I was figuring out that this is internally constructed. My locus of control went from external to internal during this time period, and it literally changed my freaking life.

    Now I am married to someone wonderful, because I want to be here, and he wants to be here. I’m not trying to work out my daddy issues on him. I’m not trying to “fix up” a remodeling project. I’m not in love with his “potential”. I just like him, love him, and can enjoy him, as he is, without using him. And vice versa. We invite each other in, versus desperate clinging. We believe in our own efficacy, and our own options, but still choose each other. If things ever went south, I know I could pick myself back up and be okay again someday. But in the meantime, I am just happy that we get to have each other for the time that’s available. As a result, I am infinitely more content than I’ve ever been in my life.

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