One Guy Who Likes The Hard-To-Get Strategy

More than once I’ve advised women to not play any kind of “hard to get” strategy, because the only guys who’ll stick around long enough to “get” you are either hardened, persistent players or pathetic oneitis cases. I know it flatters one’s ego to think you’re so irresistible that a guy will pursue you even after you’ve given him clear signs of lack of interest (and it can be seductive to your id to think “I wonder how many hoops I can make this guy jump through?“) But do you really want to select for a guy who is either sociopathic or can’t get a clue?

One of the sadder narratives you can read from women on the Internet is that of a girl who has, sometimes unwittingly, rejected a man 1, 2, 3, 6, 10 times, asking plaintively “now he’s acting aloof and distant, does that mean he likes me?” No dear, it usually means he’s taken your signal of rejection as serious and has moved on to other quarries.

Especially in an era of nonexistent dating mores and a declining number of quality relationships, I strongly advise women to reciprocate (and escalate) with a man they are interested in at the first sign of his interest and escalation.

But who am I to judge? If such a wizened romantic as Morrissey likes that kind of a challenge, maybe I should pay attention.

The more you ignore me, the closer I get
you’re wasting your time
the more you ignore me, the closer I get
you’re wasting your time

I will be in the bar
with my head on the bar
I am now a central part
of your mind’s landscape
whether you care or do not

yeah, I’ve made up your mind…

Beware!
I bear more grudges
than lonely high court judges
when you sleep I will creep
into your thoughts like a bad debt
that you can’t pay
take the easy way and give in
yeah, and let me in

It’s war
It’s war
It’s war, war, war, war, war…

Leonard Cohen (and Ringo Starr) certainly cashed in on the lovable-loser musical shtick, but Morrissey may be rivaled only by Sting as a guy who can take morose and possessive themes and make them sound romantic and sweet.

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18 Comments

Filed under beta guide, girl guide, music

18 responses to “One Guy Who Likes The Hard-To-Get Strategy

  1. Rhael

    Don’t tell me about Sting… only him could turn something that obviously came from a creepy stalker and turn it into a romantic hit. Yes, I’m talking about “Every Breath You Take” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnJDaqT3-0

  2. Zesty

    Having read this, I’m still struggling to figure things out. I’ve realized that I’m one of those women who may unwittingly reject men, because I assume they’re just being friendly and not interested in anything more. So since I don’t [in their view] reciprocate, I come across as not interested/playing hard to get. Do you have a post or know someone who does, that outlines specifically how a man escalates and how to respond? Because I’m feeling pretty inept in all this. Guys can be flirty, fun and friendly because that’s just how they are, not because they are interested in you in anything else other than a friend. Plus a lot of the advice for women is of the “he’s just not that into you” ilk, so I basically work from the premise that if I’m not being asked out, there’s basically nothing going on. Any insight appreciated.

  3. harry

    @Zesty if you like the a guy, just flirt.
    If the guy likes you he’ll ask you out. If he likes you and is too scared to ask you, then he has his own problems.

  4. Jason

    @Rhael – Creepy is a term women use to refer to the behaviour of men they don’t find attractive.

    High status guys like Sting will never be creepy. The imaginary person they imagine that’s singing that song to them will also never be creepy.

  5. DerHahn

    @Zesty .. “I basically work from the premise that if I’m not being asked out, there’s basically nothing going on.”

    That’s accurate. I think maybe you’re reading a bit too much into badger’s post (and men’s minds). If you’re interested and he’s flirting with you, flirt back. If you’re interested and he acts friendly, be friendly back. If you’re interested and he asks you out .. don’t say no.

  6. The law in most jurisdictions frowns upon persistence. It will definitely get you slapped for Harassment in the workplace. Zero tollerance. Women have to understand the rules they have imposed on the rest of us through feminism and adapt, just like we did.

  7. johnnymilfquest

    When Sting sings from the perspective of a man in love with a prostitute (Roxanne), a schoolteacher who wants to bang his pupil (Don’t Stand So Close To Me), a suicidal spurned lover (Can’t Stand Losing You) or a deranged stalker in the grips of ONEitis (Every Breath You Take) he’s putting himself in that person’s shoes.

    Ditto for every Morrissey lyric sung in the first person.

  8. Zesty

    @Harry – yes, that’s true. But if you’re shy or an unpracticed flirt that can be difficult. It’s hard to do it and not feel like you’re being over the top if you’re not used to it. I guess I just need to practice.

    @johnnymilfquest – thanks for that link. No I’m not direct. I’ve given up broaching the subject because I think it just came across as either too alpha or too needy for most guys’ taste. I have, however, said something along the lines of “yeah it would be great to talk about that more, preferably over some beers.” If that’s not picked up on I assume there’s no interest in going further. But a direct, hey is there something going on here? No I just wouldn’t do that I don’t think.

    @DerHahn – Yes I understand what you are saying, but again they flirt, I flirt back. They’re friendly, I’m friendly and…..no ask out. So many sites talk about the dynamics of dating. There isn’t really anything about how to get to a date in the first place, or at least I haven’t come across it.

    I think I’m maybe suffering from former fat girl syndrome. You get so used to being sexually irrelevant that in a way, you can’t really accept that someone is genuinely interested in you. Obviously, this is just all a process and I’ll need to work on it.

    Thank you all for the feedback. It is illuminating and appreciated.

  9. As much as I hate referencing it, “how soon is now” falls along the same lines. But also add “unloveable, last night I dreamt…., pretty girls make graves, I want the one I can’t have.”

    Please never bring up Moz again. Lol.

  10. DerHahn

    @Zesty … I get what you’re saying now. As a shy guy trying to build up a little Game I can empathize with your changing situation, too. Guys are going to flirt or be friendly with girls they might not intend to ask out. It’s sort of the reverse of what guys experience making approaches.. not every contact leads to something.

    I do like your ‘indirect’ direct approach idea. Keep finding a reason to be around him and stay approachable. Flat out asking for a date or a verbal expression of interest probably won’t work but suggesting casual meetings isn’t bad. And if after a reasonable time he still doesn’t get it you’ll have to move on. I know most guys say they aren’t motivated by jealousy but if you do go on an outing or two with a different guy, and he knows it, it might change his attitude.

  11. I don’t think a little push-pull would hurt.

    A woman just has to know when to cut it out.

  12. Reality Check

    …Plus a lot of the advice for women is of the “he’s just not that into you” ilk, so I basically work from the premise that if I’m not being asked out, there’s basically nothing going on. Any insight appreciated. @Zesty

    Zesty – this article is right up your alley:

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201108/are-men-and-women-afraid-date

    *and the series it is a part of:

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor

  13. P Ray

    @Zesty:
    Expecting a guy to always initiate is unworkable in modern times.
    You like him? Ask him out : woman up!

  14. I have a followup coming to Zesty’s situation.

  15. Zesty

    @DerHahn – I have mentioned I’m on match.com and going on dates. Will it change anything? Who knows?

    @ Reality Check – thanks so much for those links! Really interesting stuff.

    @ P Ray – Oh hell to tha no! I’m not saying anything. He’s younger, we work together and his behavior has become confusing. In fact, I’m where I find myself quite often; there was all this flirty stuff – insisting buying my stuff at the coffee shop downstairs, sending me funny video links [i.e. just to me] etc and then when I hinted at reciprocation, he just kind of closed down. I’ve felt that “vibe” before and have learned to respect it. Did I misread? I don’t think so, but at the end of the day he doesn’t appear to be into it after all and I’m going to respect that. There could be any number of reasons for it besides the obvious ones I’ve stated above.

    @ Badger – you are a God.

  16. Ha, you’re not the first woman to say that!

  17. Zesty

    @DerHahn…Addendum to my previous post. All the flirty stuff’s started again since I mentioned I was going out on dates.

    @Badger – I don’t doubt it.

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