Faking An Affair With Your Spouse For Fun And Profit

Athol Kay’s latest post counsels a couple whose work schedules make it extremely difficult to find private time together. He sums his advice up as “I’m advising you both to act like you are having an affair with each other. Find the stolen time together.”

This recalled to me Roissy’s game concept of the “secret world,” an emotional cocoon within which a man can construct a deep and exclusive connection with a woman.

A commenter identifying herself as Shannon Bradley-Colleary told the readership that she had done just that – feeling she should sublimate her latent passion for a music star to re-invigorating her own marital love life, she left a note for her husband to meet her at a hotel under an assumed identity. I clicked to her blog and found she had written a hilarious post on the “affair” called “How To Seduce Your Husband.” It is well worth reading.

The note told him to dress for-a-first-date (no orthopedic tennis shoes or white socks), to meet me in the bar at the Avalon Hotel at 8 p.m. sharp.  I wrote that we would not know one another and could not be who we truly are.  Also he should be cocky and entitled.  And if he arrived before me he was to order me a Grey Goose martini straight up with two olives.  Because that sounded like a drink Mrs. Robinson would have while smoking thin cigarettes.

Nice to see she has some awareness of what would be hot if she were to have an affair with a guy at the Avalon Hotel. Interesting how the female fantasy of meeting a guy in the night seems to involve a brash, debonair man in active seduction mode (as opposed to the more neutral and spontaneous meet-cute fantasy during the day).

But why wasn’t he looking at me?  I whistled at him.  He didn’t turn around.  WTF?  Was he deaf?  Didn’t he see me?  Waiters and busboys were falling into my cleavage never to be heard from again.  My dress skirt was so short the concierge had offered to give me a full Brazilian wax.  How could he miss me?  Would I have to whistle again?  Just put my lips together and blow?

Henry turned.  Our eyes met.  He looked at me quizzically.  Wow.  He was really going to go through with this.  My heart melted.  He approached.  “Are you Crystal?” he asked.

Crystal?  Crystal?  That’s the best he could do?  I hated that name and the bimboism it implied.  Shouldn’t we be able to pick our own names?

She’s getting attention from every guy in the room, except the one she wants attention from.

Even as a screenwriter, she had a charming difficulty keeping up the shtick:

“So Crystal,” Paul said making himself comfortable on the couch next to me, “I feel like I know you already…. from your videos.”

Turns out I was going to be a porn star.  Yes.  A porn star.  Completely ignoring Tina Fey’s advice that you should trust your partner during an improv I said, “I’m not in that business.”

“You’re not?”  Paul’s eyes began to dart about confusedly.

I realized I was about to blow this whole thing, so I backtracked.  I informed him I hadworked as an adult performer in my misspent youth, however, I’d been such a classy, intellectual porn star whose demographic was college-educated women who preferred erotica to misogynistic wham-bam-thank-you-ma’ams that I’d been able to create my own brand, turn it into a thriving production company that raked in so much money that I was able to retire early to Tampa, Florida (just pulled that one out of my apparently well-known ass) where I owned several properties including a baseball team.

Better than a secretly-wealthy-handyman story.

Paul had been born in Portland, Maine apparently, but his father was a blimp operator so they moved around a lot.  In fact, his father piloted the first ever Goodyear blimp all over the country.  Unfortunately Paul’s mother found out that his father had a girl in every Blimp port.  They were known as “Blimpees.”…I had two sons from a high school relationship with a drug dealer.  My boys thought I was their wicked, fallen, older sister.

In a predictable but exciting example of commitment psychology, they started to fill out the roles they’d created for themselves:

After a while a Henry and I became Paul and Crystal.  We saw each other differently.  We smiled at each other differently.  I laughed at all of his jokes and didn’t reprimand him for eating mashed potatoes that would just add to the belly fat that was a widow-maker.  When we touched across the restaurant table it felt as though we were touching for the first time.  It was electric.

I think the best thing it did for me was allow me a certain distance with which to observe the man who is my husband.  I remembered why I’d thought he was so adorable in the first place.  I saw him through fresh eyes.

One way to look at this is that they are relating as lovers (people interested in each other), not as spouses (people bonded by mutual obligations). They are making an effort to be interesting to each other.

Her comment at MMSL fills in the ending:

“I can tell you this…the date ended in the back of our minivan parked on South Beverly. It was sublime.”

I had to get a cold glass of water after reading it.

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8 Comments

Filed under dating and field game, relationships

8 responses to “Faking An Affair With Your Spouse For Fun And Profit

  1. Hi Badger, thanks for the link love, much appreciated!

    Shannon looks interesting to follow too.

  2. Anacaona

    Heh I totally have this fantasy set for when I learn to drive the stupid stick shift (I almost got us killed last time so I had been recovery) and I think is a good moment for my hubby and I to try something daring, I hope by that time I have the blog and I can relate how it was. ;)

  3. Hey Badger — thanks for posting me! BTW — just for your readers…after the Avalon I lured my hubby to our minivan — yes, my friends, a minivan – I’d had it cleaned and vacuumed, folded down the back seats, put down a comforter and pillows and had my way with my man parked on South Beverly under a street lamp. Just waiting for a cop to shine his flashlight through the back window was hot. Fortunately we committed our deed undetected. I do think it would’ve been funny to tell an arresting officer we’d been married ten years and a babysitter with our kids at home.

  4. Another good post Badger.I’m totally in Love with this concept in order tk spice things up.I currently do similar things in my LTR.

  5. Shannon – thanks for stopping by. That a was a seriously hot post. Next time hire your sister or somebody to be the cop with the flashlight.

    Dammit, I send you a bunch of traffic and you decide to switch blog hosts! Keep me posted on the new address.

  6. Doug1

    I taught my ex wife (no kids) how to drive a stick shift by taking her out to the Jones Beach Long Island (vast) parking lots in the early spring, when no one was there. Demoed for her in slow motion, then put her in the drivers seat. The fact that there was about zero chance of hitting something or someone, or holding up drivers behind her and so on, really lowered the anxiety factor. She learned pretty well in an afternoon. Two hours or so.

    I think it took me about 20 minutes to get good at doing it smoothly when I was 16, but then I’m a guy and just expect myself to learn stuff like that quickly.

  7. Anacaona

    Well thank you for demolishing my confidence Doug1 :(
    There are other factors at work first I don’t know how to drive an automatic either, I practiced a couple of times in my country which actually makes it worse because the rules here…exist in my country half the time there is no electrical power so you have to drive looking at the cars thus every time I’m on green it takes a split of second to go forward because “green means go” and everyone else will obey their lights in my country you have to look at the car or easily get in an accident and we don’t have turning lanes so is another bit of new info I never got for the first 30 years of my life or so. Hubby also took me to the parking lot and I can actually drive inside one with no problem. That is way we are doing in the street now with all new set of issues like the explained above…Of course I might just be dumb who knows?
    In any case the date is something for when we need spice in our relationship we are still in the honeymoon stage so I can take sometime to do that. in the near future.

  8. Pingback: Happy Birthday to the Badger Hut, Part 2: Best Posts | The Badger Hut

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