Hi All ,
My question is about my current BF of 5 months. We get along great we actually met in H.S reconnected 8 months ago. He tells me that I drive him crazy , he was fascinated by me..He can’t keep his hands off of me cuddling or sexual. He’s a type of guy who keeps giving he doesn’t get jealous at all, and only has been in love once in his life out of 13 relationships. He told me he really really likes me more.than what I know he wants to keep me happy & loves to cuddle..etc my question is could he be falling for me and I don’t realize it? All his friends know of me and I noticed his eyes twinkle when he kisses me. We have so much on common its ridiculous is this a bad thing? I guess I’m very curious but I will.not ask him because I don’t want to scare him I’m enjoying our casual relationship , because I feel so lucky to be with such a great guy. Any advice ? Thanks Very Guarded..
It sounds like he has fallen for you, and you do realize it. If he’s had 13 mostly-loveless “relationships” and he’s been seeing you for five months and telling you he is really into you, that’s practically a marathon and a huge positive sign. The only caveat would be if this is an act; I wouldn’t suspect it unless he had a history as a player or something like that. Most guys don’t talk about their emotions with girls unless they are really strong, and the number of guys who are sociopathic and can manipulate a woman’s emotions with their own is very small. The safe bet is that he’s quite smitten.
I will.not ask him because I don’t want to scare him I’m enjoying our casual relationship , because I feel so lucky to be with such a great guy.
You’ve asked if he wants something more. The thing I’m not seeing in your letter is whether you want something more. Maybe you do and you are afraid to say it, even to a blogger. Or maybe you don’t – despite cultural tropes, not all women are desperately praying to get into a long-term relationship, and because of cultural pressures they are loath to admit they don’t want what society tells them they should want. Or maybe you don’t because you fear that an overt “commitment” will kill the spontaneous, mirthful vibe you guys have (this is one of the legitimate gripes of men with regard to relationships and marriage).
There’s this thing that came up in popular culture called the “DTR talk”: Define The Relationship. It’s an absolutely essential part of any modern relationship experience – even if neither of you are actively seeing other people, neither side can or should assume they are exclusive until they’ve had the talk. Your anxiety is not atypical among young women, they are unnerved about pushing the issue for fear of making the guy feel boxed in or put upon.
But here’s the rub – if you don’t bring it up, it may never get discussed. Many guys have been burned by asking for commitment too early and looking needy, which drives women away, and there’s a subtle stripe of machismo in American culture that discourages and looks down on men who want relationships (which balances cultural pressures for women to seek “commitment.”)
There are a lot of cases where both sides want to have the relationship, but the girl doesn’t want to ask because she’s afraid of scaring him off, and the guy doesn’t want to ask because he’s afraid she’ll take him for needy or weak. And bizarrely, some of these couples split up even though they both want to stay together, because neither side wants to take the risk of capitulating by bringing it up.
In your case, the signs are positive – he’s not hiding you, he’s been open about his emotions, he obviously likes you. I would be surprised if he gave you some kind of “I’m just having fun/I’m not looking for anything serious” kind of response.
So you need to figure out what you want. If you are cool with having a “fling” – an intense, limerant relationship experience without any real stated expectation of long-term growth – that’s just fine. If you want to make a go at a long-term thing, that’s fine too, and you shouldn’t feel wrong in asking for it. But in any case, be honest with him about it. If you want to have a fling, and he wants an LTR, don’t try to “fake it till you make it.” You’ will break his heart, and he’ll be angry with you for what he’ll perceive as you leading him on.
We have so much on common its ridiculous is this a bad thing?
No, not at all. Not to say that opposites can’t attract either, but commonalities give a couple a shortcut to building a relationship foundation. The only problem can be if you are too much alike; in that case, one of you is redundant.
SHUTTER, DON’T FLUTTER YOUR EYELIDS
I can’t finish without commenting on this:
All his friends know of me and I noticed his eyes twinkle when he kisses me.
There’s an old line that you should never trust anyone who kisses with their eyes open – the joke being that you can’t tell if your partner’s eyes are open unless yours are too.
I will say that one of my favorite experiences in the early dating process is giving a lady a nice deep kiss, then pulling away and opening my eyes to see hers still closed, with an open-mouthed halo of joy emanating from her face.