Update To Friday’s Field Report

So Eastern Boy smooched the cougar chick at the bar Friday night. Good for him.

He asks me Saturday what his next move should be.

I told him to send her a text saying exactly this: “what are you up to tonight” (no ? mark). This sets up an opportunity for him to meet her somewhere or invite her to wherever he’s going to be, but also hints he’s not all that invested so she doesn’t have to feel bad if she turns him down.

Instead he texted something like “it was nice talking with you, let me know if you want to go out sometime.”

FACEPALM.

Why this response was wrong:

The woman made out with him within an hour of meeting him. That’s a nuclear IOI. The ball is in his court. She’s waiting for him to keep being the outrageously confident guy who stole first base; within reason, she’ll probably follow his next move.

Instead, he throws the ball (and his balls) back into her court. He forces her brain to consider the question “do I want to go out on a date – not just go out, but initiate it – with the guy I made out with at the bar last night?” He’s basically calling up her hamster from the minor leagues and telling it it’s pitching on one night’s rest.

Anything could have happened. They could have gone home with each other that night. They could have decided they liked each other and arranged a real date later in the week. They could have decided they weren’t a good fit, enjoyed a tasty beverage and gone their separate ways.

Now we’ll never know.

Men, lead. If she wants you to stop or doesn’t want to follow you, she’ll let you know (you better read that signal right, BTW). Until then,  don’t ask her; don’t tell her. Just lead.

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13 Comments

Filed under beta guide, dating and field game, off the donkey rails

13 responses to “Update To Friday’s Field Report

  1. wboykrispy

    Oy, that’s painful to read about. Double facepalm.

    I can relate, it was definitely frustrating trying to show some of my buddies how to properly text in order to lead. They would think some of the things I told them to text back were dickish or rude because it was direct, lacked punctuation, and was never actually asking her. Lo and behold, it worked and they converted.

  2. Stephenie Rowling

    Well at least he will probably learn his lesson.

  3. SayWhaat

    You should write a post on proper flirt-texting protocol. I can spend a good 20 minutes just thinking of the perfect thing to respond with so that I don’t seem overeager but still very interested. Also I text with perfect grammar (even drunkenly) so it helps to know when punctuation will and won’t be useful.

    And yeah, your friend should have taken the opportunity to lead. It’s very annoying when guys we’ve just met ask us to make the moves. There’s still a possibility she might follow up with him but he’s already DLV’d.

  4. Douglos

    @Badger. Awesome post, but I feel bad for your dude. Some guys don’t want to learn because it would shatter their whole perception of how the world works, as wrong as it is. Red-pill and all that.
    @SayWhaat: Agree with Badger that the first txt should be punctuation-free, but afterwards, calibrate, calibrate, calibrate. I’d say the no punctuation thing works 85% of the time, but I’d have blown myself with at least 2 girls if I’d have written like an illiterate thug. You can spot them because they will text you with reasonable grammar. I’ve found it’s best to mirror the target, ie dumb sluts who write:

    haha im at pool we r drunks lol

    should be hit back with as few words as possible with no punctuation. Dumb sluts who write:

    We’re at the pool, relaxing and having a few drinks. :)

    should be texted with as few words as possible WITH capitalization and punctuation. One of these girls flat out told me, post-coital, that she liked that I knew how to form a sentence. Everything else I did with her was by the “book” – hair-pulling, light slapping, shit like that, but in this particular instance, spelling + game (and my game isn’t that tight, I still fail 60-75% of the time), I was able to fuck her after three drinks at a dive bar. The key here is to mirror them but still be flirty and brief. YMMV.

  5. Bb

    Men, lead. If she wants you to stop or doesn’t want to follow you, she’ll let you know (you better read that signal right, BTW). Until then, don’t ask her; don’t tell her. Just lead.

    Absolutely. It’s a very attractive trait for a man to know what they want, and be able to communicate that strongly and clearly to a woman. Women love that.

    …but I see a conundrum, @Badger, in that women are attracted and *want* a man who leads on the dating scene, and in the bedroom, and then are “brainwashed by feminism” into thinking in marriage it’s going to be all about equality. No wonder there’s a bit of a breakdown there.

    Hmmm….

  6. OffTheCuff

    Precisely, Bb, that is a conundrum. The ability of women to hold mutually contradictory stances at the same time mystifies us men… until we learn “that’s what women do”, and not to fight it.

  7. “You should write a post on proper flirt-texting protocol.”

    Great idea, now in the docket.

  8. SayWhaat

    but I see a conundrum, @Badger, in that women are attracted and *want* a man who leads on the dating scene, and in the bedroom, and then are “brainwashed by feminism” into thinking in marriage it’s going to be all about equality.”

    Lead when dating, lead in the bedroom, but don’t dictate her life and she will lead when she has the tactical advantage for the situation.

    Yay equality!

  9. Bb

    @OffTheCuff but for you and Athol, at points in your relationships you realized your wives preferred a stronger male leadership in the marriage, correct? Did you and @StargateGirl ever discuss this at the beginning, or were you both working under equality assumptions?

    BB Man and I had a *lot* of discussions on how this would work for us when were engaged. He came from a very conservative religious background where political feminism was seen as anti-family, so he was pretty versed in Captain/#1 (though some members of his family practiced a more…er… Kahn / crew minion style of leadership).

    At any rate, our management style is more equitable, but I don’t know if it could be called *equal* on closer examination because I’ve done a lot of following as a wife: moving across country twice for his career over mine, etc. The big shifts in our lives have occurred from his lead.

  10. dannyfrom504

    “Men, lead. If she wants you to stop or doesn’t want to follow you, she’ll let you know (you better read that signal right, BTW). Until then, don’t ask her; don’t tell her. Just lead.”

    yeah, someone already commented on this, but I agree 1000%. i mean, my MOM told me this when i was 7th grade. it’s a shame more men don’t get it.

  11. It was nice to meet you. LOL.

  12. I meant

    “it was nice talking with you”. LOL

    Wrong for many reasons. The first is it has the “nice” word so he frames himself as nice. Then, they didnt “talk”, they made out. Him ignoring the sexual undertone is like him backing off from what happened. Then, “let me know if” places a conditional, where she has the power and he doesnt know, so she has to, and then “want to go out” means sex, where “talk” is making out, and “sometime” is so indecisive.

    If she has the hots for him, she might still respond though.

    “what are you up to tonight” was good. or just “hey you”

  13. OffTheCuff

    At any rate, our management style is more equitable, but I don’t know if it could be called *equal* on closer examination because I’ve done a lot of following as a wife: moving across country twice for his career over mine, etc. The big shifts in our lives have occurred from his lead.

    This is exactly what I’d consider our marriage to be. Equitable (we work out the division of work, it’s not too lopsided in total, but certain areas might be a bit), but not equalist (everything must be 50/50 regardless of ability, desire, and schedule).

    In fact, your story parallels mine. SGG moved from her home state to mine, to be with me.

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