Monthly Archives: May 2011

Beta Bait Music: Trouble Me

I love 10,000 Maniacs, and I really like this song.

However, it’s sad to say it’s classic beta bait – guys may hear this kind of stuff and think it’s what women want, raw and emotionally labile.

Speak to me, don’t mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling;
Speak to me, there’s no telling where it starts or how it ends.
Speak to me, why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me
Speak to me, when your silence is my greatest fear?
Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?

Ask yourself if you want to take romantic advice from a woman with Natalie Merchant’s style of frenetic dance moves.

As long as we’re on the topic:

15 Comments

Filed under beta guide, media

A Long-Overdue Reply to Bb Re: Entitled Wives

In comments on a recent post I criticized a particular pattern of thinking with regard to modern marriage:

“I was mostly referring to women who have a warped concept of marriage as an institution where she gets to live her empowered independent lifestyle but her husband is obligated to bend to her wishes…it’s a one-way process.”

Commenter Bb asked (twice in the thread, in fact) if I was theorizing or had actually seen this behavior.

“Out of curiosity, how many women in real life have you met like this, Badger? (I’ve been out of SMP for quite a while.)”

My answer has two parts: the Internet and “real life.”

I have seen an enormous amount of this attitude on the Internet. My informal perusal of Internet discussion on marriage (manosphere and otherwise) suggests to me that this may be the single biggest non-sexual complaint men have about their marriages. You can also find it on the women’s side. Innumerable advice columns field questions of the form “how can I make my husband do/think/be what I want?” You can find it in the petulant complaints at Dating A Banker Anonymous, DateMeDC or the inscrutable Lilly (who without a lick of irony lists cats and shoes as her two loves). Those in the so-called sex poz community also have a deep streak of viewing men as dildos-on-call, where women hold all the freedoms and benefits and men all the responsibilities and accountabilities.

One caveat to this is that we don’t know how many of these women actually feel this way, and how many of them are just running nuclear fitness testing in an attempt to get their man to be more of a leader.

As to my personal life: I know a handful of people like this. Though I try not to. I can’t say I ever chose my friends based on their views on gender roles in marriage, but people with this sort of attitude seem to have other toxic traits, and so I have weeded many of the flightly, flaky entitled people (of both genders) out of my life. However, the stories I hear from coupled and dating men in my life let me know I’m only two degrees of separation from a whole nother crop of them. (I do know a couple of married guys who are not victims of controlling wives but instead are just willingly pussywhipped.)

Keeping away takes some effort though. There are plenty of Sex And The City wannabes walking around the streets of urban America. They can get away with it, for a time, usually because they are hot and surrounded by men who will prostrate themselves for sexual access. They may even snag a relationship or two from a guy who offers “commitment” to hold onto his supply of sex. But there is no real “relationship” where one person thinks they have the right to boss the other person around. As they approach their 30’s, the balance shifts quickly as their looks decline and the “testosterone fog” of sexual desperation lifts among the men around them. The landing can be hard indeed.

Bb continued:

“Even with non-traditional ideas of marriage, it would seem that a woman who’d want to be completely in control of their own destiny wouldn’t think that marriage would be logical. Cuts out of a lot of choice and options for self.”

This does sound like cognitive dissonance. The simple answer to this is that humans are not solely logical; we make life decisions based on a combination of logical, emotional and social factors; even our instinctual mating strategies have a lot of conflict within them. Women want the imprimatur, the impregnable social status symbol, of having a husband (“somebody chose me!!!”) but culture has also told them they shouldn’t take any shit from a man, men are stupid and should be manipulated to her end, and that sets up a conflict when it comes time to actually be married.

That’s why it’s hard to take a person at their word wrt these issues; women can talk a good game about wanting an “equal” relationship or a Captain-First Officer setup or whatever, but whenever conflict comes up still assert that theirs is the only view that should matter. Often it’s not that they overtly, logically think the relationship should work this way, it’s that whenever the chips are down, they viscerally turn to this one-sided ideology that popular culture has pumped into them – one where they are sweet and special ipso facto and the man should grovel for her approval. (People in general are just not very good at thinking in the heat of battle.)

It’s not that it’s young women’s fault, per se, but at some point they need to take responsibility for their own predicament and start to turn in the right direction – toss out Cosmo and actually come to view men as ends in themselves. The first step is recognizing toxic modes of thinking and setting yourself straight. That’s nothing more than we in the Manosphere ask men to do today – turn off the cultural nonsense being pumped into your head, throw away the pretty lies, and learn enough game to be an honest success in today’s SMP.

46 Comments

Filed under junk culture

Musings on Online Dating

One could write an entire blog about online dating. In fact, someone has. The Private Man has covered many details of online dating in great detail.

Online dating is not particularly different than dating full stop, and it is most like real dating in the most banal and frustrating aspects: constant rejection and flaking. It’s quite common that a dude will send out dozens of messages and get absolutely nothing in return.

In that respect, it’s worse than regular singles scene – you have zero feedback except being ignored. You don’t really know where you went wrong, and because you can’t see who they ARE responding like you can in a meat-market atmosphere you have no data to calibrate against.

There is one big win for online dating: unlike in-person pickup where you really have no idea where your target stands, everybody on the site actually wants to go on a date.

…or so I thought. Then I read TPM quoting the wise Workshy Joe who put forth this theory: “The real problem is that women are now using online dating sites as a gauge of their sexual market value rather than an actual way to meet men.”

PHOTO FURY

Don’t use too many photos. One source I read recommended at most five; I’d keep it under eight, and make sure each photo is different in terms of night/day, inside/outside, group/alone, and doing different things.

A fascinating OkCupid last year used empirical evidence to evaluate various (alleged) myths about online dating profile photos. I can’t do it justice here, so just read it.

Susan Walsh recently posted on a study indicating that when looking at photos of the opposite sex, women were most attracted to men who projected a visage of pride or of brooding shame while men found smiling women most attractive.

Upshot: women should cultivate an eager, happy or “flirty” appearance, while men should feature a photo looking away from the camera and not smiling, and both should be doing something interesting.

Early in The Game, Mystery tells Neil Strauss that the smile is a key trait of the alpha male. Does this contradict the photo studies? I don’t think so. 3-D interaction is much different than a photograph; smiling whilst moving around a nightclub or restaurant, making friends, cracking jokes, etc shows a natural comfort with the situation and conveys the tone of “amused mastery” that Roissy advocates. But a smile in a headshot photo, without context as to what you’re smiling about, looks goofy and beta. (The same goes for in-person interaction; if you are smiling when there’s nothing to smile about you look like a chump. You are the prize, so use the smile as a reward for women who are pleasing to you.)

PROFILE QUIRKS

Match.com has a user-interface defect that cuts off your tagline and profile text in mid-sentence, sometimes with maximal effect:

OkCupid markets themselves as a site for more intelligent people, and provides you the ability to back it up in your profile:

CLICHES

Online dating sites are rife with content-free profiles. One online advisor cribbed the top five:

  • “I love to laugh”
  • “I love to live life to the fullest”
  • “I’m up for anything” (Seriously? Pegging? Bondage? Riding down Woodward Avenue in downtown Detroit shouting racial slurs out the window just to see what happens?)
  • “It’s really hard to write about yourself.”
  • “My friends talked me into this / I’m skeptical of this whole online dating thing / Some other concession for their presence on the site. “

Another guy posted a satiric profile essay (be sure to click the link for the pictures):

I’ve never done the online thing before but here I am so we’ll see how it goes. About me. I’m not your typical girl next door. I love to have a good time, go dancing with my friends, but also stay at home and curl up with a good book and a movie and someone special in my PJ’s while cooking a good meal at home in front of the fire. I enjoy going to the movies, going to the beach, spending time with my friends, outdoorsy stuff, and having fun. I also love to laugh! I believe in having fun and I think laughing is so much fun! My life is measured in smiles, and right now I’m up to a mile of smiles! I also love flowers, holding hands, puppies, and the fun girly things that girls are supposed to love. That doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, but I do love romance and I’m waiting for my white knight to sweep me off my feet. I don’t really go to bars and clubs any more even though I used to a lot because I finally graduated and now I have a job. I’m down to earth and I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to travel and the color pink!

I used to think I wanted someone to complete me, but now I know I’m complete by myself. I’m not looking for anything serious, friendship at first, but if something serious develops then we’ll see what happens ;) I want someone who is honest, loyal, fun, witty, sincere, trustworthy, and doesn’t want to play games. (If you’re a player, please look elsewhere because I won’t have sex with a guy unless he buys me dinner at least three times.) Honesty is my biggest thing…you only get ONE chance with me so please pay attention.

My match would be a serious guy with ambition, but also tall, ambitious, intelligent, confident, active, really handsome, sexy, humorous, well traveled, successful, and make me laugh. Also must be able to hold a good conversation. I want someone respectful, independent, has a great family because family is important, and who treats me like I’m special. Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!! Also, please be taller than six feet, I’m not attracted to shorties, and make over 100k, or at least 75k, that would be good too. Thanks guys, drop me a email, I’ll look forward to hearing from you LOL!

He comes clean: “I just wrote a 400 word profile and it said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Believe it or not, I lifted parts of every one of those lines from actual profiles. Ladies, if your profile reads like this, you’re not marketing yourself properly. All you’re selling is your pretty face via pictures and we’re ignoring your profile because it’s total bullshit. If the pics are the only thing the guy can focus on, you’re only attracting on a sexual level. And you wonder why guys just wanna f*$# and run?”

GROUP REJECTION PARTY

The Private Man just posted this video of two young women perusing PlentyOfFish profiles and pointing out what is wrong with all the guys.

You don’t need to watch more than the first two or three minutes to get the idea, and to capture the lesson that applies to game, online dating, in-person dating and everything else in life: haters gonna hate. There are just simply going to be people who don’t care for what you are selling. Don’t listen to their criticisms; that they are not buying is the only information you need. Women who reject you for superficial reasons are doing you a favor by taking themselves out of your pool.

I truly believe one of the big reasons for dating failure is people being afraid they’ll be made fun of, and so instead of being unapologetically distinctive, they adopt a risk-averse motif designed to not offend anybody. As a result they are maximally pleasant but minimally attractive to everybody, instead of being distinctively attractive to a small subset of enthusiastic prospects. (These are the people who are absolutely dumbfounded when they are told that negs and qualifying work as attraction tactics.)

For dating success, men and women both need to get comfortable not being liked by everybody and with the idea that some chick (or dude) behind a computer screen might laugh at them on the comfort of their own home. Confident, successful people always have haters, and they show you are doing something right because haters are either rivals who are scared you will move in on their territory, or people jealous of your drive and accomplishment.

I mean, there are people who don’t find Giselle Bundchen attractive (incidentally, I am one of them.) That doesn’t mean she doesn’t make millions to be photographed or that her husband doesn’t want to put one in her end zone.

For what it’s worth, I’m not nearly as negative about these women as some other people are, because honestly we all judge partners we deem unfit harshly inside our own heads. What I do think is crass and without character is that they posted the video on the Internet with a disclaimer that reads “we know we are bitches.” In any case karma is coming and that right soon. They are young, reasonably thin and not busted, which brings a lot of male attention, but they are not particularly stunning and so are in for a big surprise when they hit their late 20’s and find that they can’t cop that attitude and expect to get the same flock of orbiters.

I also think this is a good example of how the female herd acts against the interests of its members. Viewing profiles alone, either of these women might find some of these guys endearing, quirky, or otherwise worth at least going on a date with. In a pair, they are playing an interlocking one-up game of rejection for sport, with a faint whiff of sick intrasexual competition trying to talk one another out of being interested in any of these men. It’s like the worst thing that could happen to either of them is that the other one gets a boyfriend and leaves her out in the cold.

A PROFILE I RECENTLY REJECTED

The woman is pretty, her top photo is of her shooting an AK. Quirkily interesting things on her profile. But she starts with an insulting disqualifier – “Ugh, so it’s come to this: I’m on a dating site.” And ends with this:

You should message me if:

  • You are single…no, I will not join your threesome.
  • You are a confirmed non-douchebag.
  • If my profile hasn’t scared you off.
  • You know what you want in life as opposed to bouncing around from one unrealistic pipe dream to the next.
  • Please don’t be a psycho

How charming. I don’t have a lot of time for women who fitness test before we’ve even met. Tough call but she didn’t get a message from me.

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Filed under beta guide, primary sources

Hot Lines For Your Next Date

The latest post here at the Hut linking an audio clip of a sloshed West Virginia woman calling a radio program was undoubtedly the source of much mirth for the readership.

However, there is real practical value in the clip as well. Roissy recommends taking a pose of “amused mastery” as a slogan for gaming the opposite sex. To that end, a man could do worse than to throw any of the lines used by host Tom Leykis to maintain the flow and focus of the conversation. Try some of these on your next date. Be sure to stop by and let us know how it worked out.

You don’t know what my first name is?

You could use a good spanking right about now, I can tell.

I don’t wear underwear.

Do you have a regular booty call?

You don’t like the way I think? Why not?

Cause you’re drunk!

Rrrrreally…

Are you horny right now?

You’ve already said that about four times now.

Listen to you!

What did I just say to you about my underwear?

What you need is my handprint on your ass, that’d wake you right up.

Come onnnnn!

Are you on medication or are you drinking?

You’ve been drinking tonight, it’s so obvious! (nice neg to use if you get booty called by a woman)

I don’t understand what you mean…

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Filed under off the donkey rails

Blogging Under The Influence

Over the past half-day the most successful thread in Badger Hut history became a one-on-one coffee klatch blog bomb between Laverne and Shirley. Watching the discussion develop, all I could think of was this:

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Filed under media, off the donkey rails, this is just funny

Regarding This Morning’s “Anything Goes” Post

Executive Summary: some of you were had, and might want to look up “sarcasm” in the dictionary.

In any event, the satiric point of the post was that there’s always a social cycle of decadence and morality. Social conservative and trad-con types seem to believe that pre-pill America was a uniform time of common morality and sexual continence (you could argue that feminists see an oppressive dystopia in the same uniform manner, that no woman ever had an orgasm or a job before 1960).

Even the most banal review of modern history shows the truth.

There were the booze- and sex-soaked roaring 20’s (Fitzgerald’s heydey),

the privation of the depression,

the patriotic war era,

stuffy postwar materialism,

then the societal adolescence of the 60’s,

the swinging (sexually at least) seventies,

then the decade of AIDS that shut off the spigot,

the safe sex era and “didn’t inhale.”

Now we’ve got the hookup culture and a bunch of boomer parents wringing their hands that their kids might be doing the same sexual adventuring they did in their young adult lives.

Now heaven knows, anything goes.

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Filed under history

Update To Friday’s Field Report

So Eastern Boy smooched the cougar chick at the bar Friday night. Good for him.

He asks me Saturday what his next move should be.

I told him to send her a text saying exactly this: “what are you up to tonight” (no ? mark). This sets up an opportunity for him to meet her somewhere or invite her to wherever he’s going to be, but also hints he’s not all that invested so she doesn’t have to feel bad if she turns him down.

Instead he texted something like “it was nice talking with you, let me know if you want to go out sometime.”

FACEPALM.

Why this response was wrong:

The woman made out with him within an hour of meeting him. That’s a nuclear IOI. The ball is in his court. She’s waiting for him to keep being the outrageously confident guy who stole first base; within reason, she’ll probably follow his next move.

Instead, he throws the ball (and his balls) back into her court. He forces her brain to consider the question “do I want to go out on a date – not just go out, but initiate it – with the guy I made out with at the bar last night?” He’s basically calling up her hamster from the minor leagues and telling it it’s pitching on one night’s rest.

Anything could have happened. They could have gone home with each other that night. They could have decided they liked each other and arranged a real date later in the week. They could have decided they weren’t a good fit, enjoyed a tasty beverage and gone their separate ways.

Now we’ll never know.

Men, lead. If she wants you to stop or doesn’t want to follow you, she’ll let you know (you better read that signal right, BTW). Until then,  don’t ask her; don’t tell her. Just lead.

13 Comments

Filed under beta guide, dating and field game, off the donkey rails